wow.

i have so much to learn.

so many habits to let go of…

ways of thinking to change.

a new lens to look through.

being the same is making me sick.

i feel like i am watching our culture…our time in civilization depreciate.

culture (in all aspects) is like biology. a living, breathing cycle….but filled with the fingerprints of humanity’s interpretation of life.

it seems as if we are going in the direction of cloning everything, music. art. religion. methodology. ourselves.

why can’t we be different? why can’t we be authentic - to ourselves. to others. to our world. our world deserves nothing less from us.

personally speaking, my Father deserves nothing less from me. how can i glorify Him with what he has given me…set me apart to do…if i am just like everyone else? He is singing to me. a unique melody. just like he is singing to you.

but if we continue in this cycle of reproducing each other’s “songs,” it will eventually lead to the destruction of all things sacred. glory in it’s fullness will not exist. how can it?

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An evolution in shopping presents itself to me. I must say farewell to my denial.

I can no longer wear juniors clothes.

You have been a good friend these last 13 years.

Gone are the days when your cute slogans and inexpensive prices inticed me.

For now, I am changed. Your curveless seams can no longer hold me in.

“Welcome to womanhood” - at least in clothing - “Anne Jackson,” the stores beckon to me.

A new beginning arrives. But I must warn you…”mom jeans….” you have no place here.

=====

For those of you (most of you) who still shop the juniors section..I can see how this impacts your self esteem. Sizes in the juniors are about labeled about 6 sizes too small. Meaning, if you are really a size 9/10, in the purest sense of clothing (let’s go by Gap standards)….you will have to wear a 15/16 in juniors. How ridiculous is that?! Just say no. Don’t believe the lie! :)

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silenced by this skin that covers
screaming out into this shell
lost track of feeling empty
overtaking i know well
back again
reappeared
laying dormant
all this time
thought you vanished
hibernation
is your sole disguise

~aj

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i need you to come
and rescue
what’s left of me
i need you to come
and empty
all that you see
i need you to come
and break
what i believe
is making me not be
anything

-aj

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Philosophy behind Mowing the Yard

I just got done talking with our lead pastor, Dave, about mowing yards. He was on his way out and mentioned he was going to go home and finish cutting the grass. I replied with my longing to have a yard of my own to mow (we live in a maintenance provided area, so they cut the grass, shovel snow, the whole bit) to which he said if I wanted to, I could always go and mow his yard.

I told him about how when I was in middle school, we had a huge front yard. It would take me 3, maybe 4 hours to mow it. I’d grab my kool-aid and put on my red sony walkman and mow away. I daydreamed about riding horses, going on drug busts, or my current crush.

Thoughtfully, he came and sat down on my filing cabinet retracted his offer. “Actually, forget about it. I could have any one of the boys do it, but I don’t.”

“Because they won’t, or because you don’t want them to?”

“Oh, I could make them mow it. Especially if I paid them to. But there’s just something theraputic to it. I get such a feeling of accomplishment from seeing it get done.”

We began to discuss about how so many things we do in our lives aren’t tangible. It seems like we serve and teach and relate time and time again. Sometimes you see a payoff in that, but many times you don’t.

Not that being in ministry promises a payoff - at least in this life - nor do we expect one. We know the things we do are for the Glory of Him - not us - but in our humanness we long to feel that sense of accomplishment. That feeling of completeness.

Mowing a yard, you can go strip by strip, line by line and see the progress you are making. You know there is a bag that is collecting all of the grass you are cutting off. It is easy to see how your hard work is paying off.

Imagine that feeling you get when you mow the yard. When you finish that paper. You complete that final. When you walk across the stage and get your diploma….

God has given us the pleasure in feeling that sense of accomplishment. On the eternal spectrum of things, imagine how amazing it will be once this life is over and all of the things we have accomplished for Him will be put through the fire and revealed. For His glory. Imagine how much praise we can give, and how we will feel when we see it all come around.

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Our walls in the office are very thin. There is a girl on the worship team getting married this weekend and she is talking to Clay (who has the office next to mine) about wedding music for her ceremony.

I remember planning for my wedding. Not counting the time I spent from when I was 5 years old until we got engaged…soley after that fact, December 2002 until June 2003 was wedding planning crazy. I got all the magazines, the books, the samples, the planner. I went on a diet, tried growing my hair out. I dyed it brown. The got it highlighted. I got makeup tests done, I got a facial. A massage. My eyebrows waxed. I listened to song after song, made sure the red in my roses matched the red roses we were using on the pews and the bridesmaid dresses. Wrote out 20 page schedules for all of the wedding party with a detailed timeline of the wedding day. I ate, slept, wept and was all things wedding.

Not that our wedding day wasn’t marvelous. Not that every little girl shouldn’t have the wedding of her dreams. I am a firm believer in that. It was magical. I won’t forget my dad crying before we walked down the aisle. I won’t forget the look on Chris’ face as I got closer and closer to the altar. I won’t forget the way he rubbed my hand nervously during the ceremony. Or the smile he had when he said his vows. Or how it was really hot and I almost passed out. How I could feel the sweat trickling down my arm. How the wrong song was played when we recessed.

Was it the perfect wedding? Not at all. Did everything go as planned? Nope. And did I remember it all? Except for what I just wrote, not really. It was a huge, magical blur. And then it was over.

Last night, Chris and I got in a fight. I had been selfish, and he had been unappreciative. I wish I would have spent more time in those six months getting ready for our marriage and not our wedding. We did 6 weeks of premarital counseling - which taught us so much - but sometimes I wonder why I focus so much on the things that really aren’t that important.

Just makes you think.

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