I’ve always had leadership roles. In high school, in my career…whenever. I think I’m one of those people that when nobody else assumes responsibility, I typically take charge. Growing up, I took care of my little brother from a young age. It seems to come easily enough.

Recently, I’ve been struggling with what makes a leader a leader. I’ve been doubting my own gift mix and strengths. At least here in the Midwest, you have to be 30 or older, strong-willed, outgoing, sharp and have most of it - if not all of it - figured out. You have to wear suit outfits, wear pantyhose (for the ladies), or something business casual and keep your hair a normal color. You have to work a lot, and sacrifice downtime for “put in some extra hours this week” time.

I just don’t fit in.

I’m 25. I’m a little stubborn, but I won’t push to get my way. I’m introverted and an awkward speaker. I’m smart, but because I’m abstract, things that make sense quickly to some people…well, it takes me a while to catch on sometimes. I have nothing figured out. I wear distressed jeans with a T-shirt that says “G is for Gangsta.” I wear flip flops or ballerina shoes. I like making my hair all different colors. I will always take my day off, even on the busy weeks, because I love my husband and I’m a good wife. And I get pissed off if I’m expected to not take a day off.

Leaders sacrifice. That’s what I’m told. I am supposed to sacrifice the way I dress, if I get tattoos or red highlights. If I feel like I would be ashamed to be called a leader while wearing my G is for Gangsta T-shirt, I probably shouldn’t wear it. (I don’t feel ashamed, so I do wear it…except now I can’t find it…) Those are the little things, so it’s said, so what’s the big deal if you have to sacrifice them? If they’re so little, why does it matter what I do?

Sometimes you have to put in extra time. Sometimes. Not all the time. And that call will always be mine.

I feel like the things I’m being asked (not verbatim, in some job-endangering way) to put aside are the things that make me who I am. I think it’s the environment that I’m in. Granted, nobody is standing over me with a sicle threatening me to change nor am I getting hounded on by my church….and not to knock it, or anyone I work for or with, but I am super and uberly confused on what is sacrifice and what is too much when it comes to being myself.

Days like today, I want to throw in the towel and say, “You know what? If this is leadership, you can have it.” To be honest (and yes, I realize some of the people I work for and with read this, and I’ll probably print this out and attach it to my evaluation since I haven’t filled in the “is there anything else you’d like for us to know” section yet), at times, I really miss a lot of things in my old job as a youth assistant, working with Chad. Freedom to be who I was. Freedom to fail. Freedom to try new things. To work on my strengths and to use them, to grow them.

Now I feel as if I sometimes have that freedom, and then at other times I feel completely confined, wallowing in the mundane (I know not everything is going to be exciting and enticing, but I feel like I’m just checking off a to-do list. A maintenance list.) and when I feel like that…I want to run. I don’t know to where, but to just run.

Where’s the line? Where’s the balance?

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Oh goodness, it is way too early. I have to be at the church at 7:30 to drive up to the Leadership Summit in Liberty, MO.

Recent thoughts: Chris and I are working on not being so cynical on everything - especially the church. It’s easy to see the flaws and marks we, as imperfect humans, put on her constantly. It’s easy to talk about what’s wrong and how we’re not doing this or that. It’s easy to look at the exceptions and imagine they just got lucky with how many people go there, or how they do things, or maybe they’ve gone too far with all that fancy stuff…

When you try and change your mindset, it’s so easy to see the difference between cynicism and pessimism and love. True, unadultered love. Christ loves his Bride. That love is one of the most exalted and desribed examples of love in the New Testament. Or, if you care to look at Song of Solomon as a metaphor for Christ’s love for the church as well as a romantic love, it would be pretty eximplified there too.

I look at the way Chris loves me. I wake up in the morning with humongous hair, a wrinkled Tshirt and bad breath. He’ll still gently kiss me and laugh (with love) at how big my hair is.

What is so wrong with us today that we (mysef included) can’t see the beauty that’s in front of us, even with all the imperfections we, ourselves, have caused? What’s so wrong with us that we’ve taken an American mindset to success and applied it to her, calling her ineffective or misguided because she’s not as lovely as a supermodel? Why do we pick a part the very heart of Christ?

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Quick post on the Leadership Summit: Asking myself two questions…

1) What is it that stirs a holy discontent in me?
2) What do I have to give back to God?

On #1, in each of us something stirrs our hearts and souls - a holy discontent. When something just isn’t right and it begins to drive us to some sort of impassioned craziness if we don’t do something about it. Many times we try and shut it off or run from it, but we should be feeding it. If it breaks our hearts, it must be breaking God’s as well - so he’ll look all across the earth to find us and choose us to be his tool to bring healing to whatever that discontent is in. Biblical reference - Moses seeing his people being beaten, then fighting each other. (Exodus 2) - God calling him to lead them out (Exodus 3)

At lunch, our pastor asked the people at our table, about 5 of us, what our holy discontent is. For once I knew exactly my answer (that never happens.)

Honestly at first I hesitated saying it. I don’t know why. I thought if I gave some canned answer I would “typically” give about equipping artists or engaging them in community (which I do feel strongly about)…I could just medicate it…one more time.

But I couldn’t. I had to say it. And I am so glad I did.

Mine is seeing broken and struggling churches, seeing those churches not getting help they need, and instead being beaten by the progressive and overextended church culture pressures that surround them. I see and weep for the effect that it has on church pastors and leaders and their families…knowing also the impact this has on the community around it - the people who are searching…..

I love my job. I love doing communications stuff. But that doesn’t keep me up at night. That doesn’t brew around in my head at 3am. THIS DOES.

I realized how much of this is tied to my past. In my comment at lunch, I said that this stirring was a new thing, within the last month - but as I reflect, it has been there for about 10 years. I saw members of my dad’s church (when I was 15 years old) attacking him and another one of our pastors. It burned a hole so deep inside and so quickly - I flipped open my bible (which being 15, I didn’t read it much) and instantly found Ephesians 4:3 - “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” I stood up in front of the church (keeping in mind I am extremely introverted in groups of more than a handful) and read the verse. I said something to the effect of, “I can’t believe that you guys call yourselves a church when you ignore a clear desire of God that’s in the Bible” and I walked out - having to pass by everyone as I went down the aisle and out the heavy wooden door. I climbed on the fire escape in the back of the building and wrote a letter to God that I still have today - pouring out my questions and asking for understanding of why we are so flawed - why so unjust to those who we are tied together with - bound and yoked to - as the body of Christ.

I never went back to that church. The next week, my dad and the other pastor resigned. Every time I would try to go to church, as soon as I saw the way they treated the leaders, or the way the leaders would lie or misuse trust, I would run. I couldn’t stand the way that my heart was breaking. After having my heart broken one last time by a youth pastor I looked up to so much - I said forget it, and didn’t go back for almost 6 years.

Now this pain - this, “Dark Night of the Soul” as James put it once and Hybels reiterated today - I know what it is.

I have no idea what to do about it.

I want to help these pastors, these churches - but who am I? A 25 year old girl with too many emotions, weaknesses, frailties…trying to understand and enter the world of a 45 year old man? (generally speaking….)

I have no idea what to do.

I just know I must.

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