Truth and Sex

I am posting a two-part post today. I decided to break it down into two parts since it’s kind of long and also to give you some background of the reason I am posting part two, because it’s pretty heavy. I probably won’t post for a few days just to give people the chance to read it. I know it’s long, but I feel as if it’s something we keep in the dark far too often.

Quick Intro: I wasn’t going to write about this today, but after a series of events, I felt like I had to. I’m going to warn you ahead of time that this (really, part two) is a pretty adult topic that I am going to be tackling from a woman’s point of view. You have been warned.

This past week, Kyle Reese (aka TheReeser) had a good discussion taking place about redemption and alcohol and sex. Of course many of the comments talked more about sex than they did alcohol, but what else can be expected? Sex intrigues us. This morning, I got an email today from a friend who said, “I don’t ever recall hearing a woman saying they have a porn addiction, have you?”

Last night, I didn’t feel like I had much to add to Kyle’s discussion, but this morning I feel differently. And instead of turning his comments into my blogging space, I am going to post these thoughts here. Steve (aka BreatheFire) said this in the comments responding to how Christ-followers struggle just as much as the next guy (or girl) when it comes to sexual stuff. So, this is what I am responding to…by example I suppose.

“…a stark realization to all of us that we need a clear cut awareness of how to deal with this so we don’t lose additional leaders or possibilities for ministries. Calling it bad and saying ‘don’t do it’ obviously isn’t working.”

There are two verses in the Bible that have come to mind while thinking of all of this today. First, Kyle’s post encouraged me to ask myself, “What is redemption anyway?” so I looked it up.

One defintion is to set free, rescue or ransom.

Hmm…Freedom.

From there I was reminded of the scripture, “Then you will experience for yourselves the truth, and the truth will free you.”

Ok…Truth

One of the values Chris and I live by in our marriage is honesty, so this is one of the key verses that supports that, “But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.”

Alright. Finally. Something is clicking.

I think one way that we can bring redemption (freedom) to this area is by truth…and bringing things into the light.

Several times througout the scripture, we are shown how darkness flees when there is light. (Don’t believe me? Go in a room with no windows and the light off. Turn the light on. There ya go.)

Now after walking down this path of thinking this morning, it would be easy for me to say, “Well, there you go…there’s one possible answer.” And I wouldn’t be doing a lick of good. Maybe that’s the problem…when we get a revelation about something we just say it and never talk about the problem, just the answer to it… So now it’s time.

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So now it’s time to act on this. Bringing things to the light. My friend’s question about women and porn addiction really hit me. I mean, here is this really intelligent guy who has experienced a lot in his life and he’s never heard of a woman struggling with a pornography addiction. I know from experience that it’s because women don’t like talking about it. So here goes.

When I was a junior in high school, I overheard a conversation about some guys looking at naked pictures on the internet (keep in mind the internet was only a couple years old at this point.) Being raised in a sheltered, conservative home as a preacher’s kid, I don’t even think I knew what a real, live penis looked like… so my curiosity got the best of me. And that was the first time I saw internet pornography.

I didn’t start out as an addiction. I mean, it never does, right? I moved out the next year when I was 17 and had my own space with my own computer. All of the years of not knowing how things were done or what really happened when someone had sex got the best of me and I began exploring. It was a cycle that continued for the next three years…looking at stuff, feeling guilty, repenting as much as I could, and then getting caught up in it all again.

Why couldn’t I stop?

Of course I never told anyone about it. I mean, I was a woman. A girl. Was I gay? Bisexual? A pervert??? There were pictures of both guys and girls….Why did I enjoy this so much and hate myself so much for doing it?

One of my biggest fears became, “What if someone finds out?” So, I bought a new computer, trashed my old one and said, “No more porn. Not on this machine!” and mainly out of the fear someone would find out.

That’s when I realized it was more than just looking at pictures. Because when I abstained from it, I still felt like I needed to. Like I had to. That showed me I was addicted to it.

By some miracle though, I didn’t look again. My fear of being caught was finally greater than my desire to look at porn. That was five years ago, give or take.

The temptation still rears up. I hear voices trying to justify it…saying something like, “Well, I’m just going to look because I can’t believe the stuff that they put on the internet these days.” Like I have to prove to myself it’s as bad as it says it’s going to be. And my gosh, all the dating ads with scantily clad women with breasts hanging out of stringy lingerie (if you have a MySpace account, you know exactly what I mean.) I’m completely straight, don’t get me wrong, but there is something about a woman’s body that is beautiful and mysterious and even forbidden, and that toys with our psyche and I believe tempts us to look.

I’m happy to report that only by the grace of God, talking about it with my husband (who has also battled with pornography addiction in the past), and also with other females who have been brave enough to share their struggle with me, I’ve never clicked through since the purchase that computer five years ago. Yes, inappropriate thoughts have crossed my mind when I see ads or sometimes even photography or art that is nude. That is never going to go away. It’s a matter of stopping that thinking as soon as I can. Do I always succeed at that? No. But I try. I really do try.

Why do women struggle with this? I think partially it is seeing something…visually, but at least for me, it fed a huge emotional need I had. I was able to put myself in the role of what I was seeing and it made me feel beautiful (by the world’s standard)…to have a perfect body, to be sexy, to be desired and wanted. Living vicariously through someone outwardly flawless. I could escape my own flawed physical appearance and be transformed in my mind to this perfect woman. I think that’s why I did it.

So..I know this has been a really scary thing to write about. Honestly, I’m still debating whether I should post this or not. But I don’t think I have a choice. This is a real problem and if we keep hiding it - like I did for so long - we will always be a slave to it.

I want anyone who reads this to know they can email me using the email link to the left. If you’re a guy reading this and would like to discuss, please feel free to email my husband, Chris via his Xanga. Comments are extremely welcome too. Kansas & Westside girls, you know where you can find me at the church or please call me if you want to talk about this…I know not everyone is going to feel comfortable sharing publicly, but if you can, please do. I think it will help…no, I know it will help shine light and truth on this.

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Money, money, money

A few months ago (June 29th) my spirit was struggling some with how local churches spend money. Today I read (and re-read, and re-read) Alex’s post on “A Reversal of Kingdom Capital” and over the last week, some of my emails with James have also discussed the struggle between supporting valid needs of local churches and using money in more practical ways by helping people meet their everyday needs financially.

For me, personally, some of the struggle comes with the fact that I am employed full time at a church. I feel so fortunate to have a steady and generous (not exuberant) salary, health insurance, dental, vision, retirement, paid time off, conference time and money, and even a small amount for growth (books, magazines, etc.). Also, our church makes our financial reports very public and we have several people in the church, as well as outside accountants keeping a watchful eye on spending. So, my struggle isn’t in the integrity of how our church handles money specifically.

However, Alex’s post, for some reason, really struck a chord with me that sort of resonates back to an earlier post from last week where Kyle and I talked about how sometimes, the church culture seems to almost segregate by denominations and by something as simple as a building…”What church do you go to?”

Now, let me tie these two together - Although I know local churches are often doing incredible jobs at reaching their neighborhoods and the world, I am personally questioning if it would be wrong (I can’t think of a better word) for one to give financally to other areas instead of giving to his or her local place of worship.

I mean, it’s not just about my church - it’s about The Church… Right?

Before you comment, I know the easy answer would be giving to both - a place of worship and above and beyond that, give to the poor or help meet other’s financial needs - Trust me, I’ve heard that one my whole entire Sunday School life…

And I don’t want an easy answer.

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