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Pardon this interruption to the “Power of Human Need” discussion. It is so beautiful outiside today and I am becoming more and more restless…more and more nervous.

Some job possibilities are in their final stages and all are up in the air. This is the last week I can afford to not be working. I actually don’t have health/life/dental insurance as of tomorrow (but have some starting up next week through Chris’ job.) I don’t know if we are going to be staying here in Kansas City, or moving somewhere. I’ve put my eggs in two baskets - and maybe that’s not wise to do - but I am getting more anxious by the day that either of them might not work out - Thinking worse-case scenario of course. I’ve never not worked for this long. I’m thankful we could afford me taking the break I have, but I’m beginning to feel a lack of purpose in my life. I know there is a reason for this holding pattern…I just don’t know what it is. I thought everything would be figured out a couple of weeks ago and nothing is figured out. Each time my phone rings I hope that when I see the number, it would be something that will show us direction. It’s usually a sales call, which I ignore and let fall into voicemail.

Last night I got sick to my stomach. It was probably a bad combination of spicy Thai food, a late Starbucks run and worry.

I know…I know He has things under control. I know he holds my tomorrow and he’s holding my hand. I just wonder if I am not listening….if I am missing something….or not being obedient in some way.

It’s beautiful outside…I can’t keep sitting in front of this machine…my escape into the outdoors is imminent…and prayers are appreciated, although I couldn’t tell you exactly what I need prayer for.

I don’t know how many times I have tried to write this post, but it’s in the double digits by now. This is a lot harder than I thought. Sorry for keeping everybody waiting (not that you’re on pins & needles or anything) but I promise, I’ll kick something out by tomorrow.

It’s been a good couple of days evaluating many things. Lots of reflecting, praying, talking and making tough yet wise decisions. I think that’s what’s making it so difficult to narrow down what to write.

The learning never stops.

Thanks for your patience.

This week, I’m going to be taking my blogging topics in a new direction. Before I start posting, I wanted to preface this some, so that is what I’m writing about today.

Many of you all have commented about how “open” I am posting stuff so “personal” and how much “courage” it takes. While I do appreciate those words of affirmation, to be quite honest, for the most part (for whatever reason) sharing those things isn’t difficult for me.

Something that I have been reflecting on a lot in the past couple of weeks is mine & Chris’ marriage. We’ve been going through a very rough few months as husband and wife. I’ve wanted to post about some of our experiences, but really didn’t want to throw that part of life out there. So, I’d only write about the good stuff.

I realized in a way, I’m sort of living a double standard. Proclaiming the importance of sharing openly (yet wisely) in the blogosphere in hopes to connect and help others (and to get some help myself!) but at the same time keeping hidden a very important part of life – not only our individual lives – but for other people who are married, or will be married one day – being able to walk through this and live this stuff out in the open.

It’s time to peel back another layer.

Chris is okay with me writing about our marriage openly. Is this the last layer – the deepest darkest parts of my soul I could possible bare? NOT EVEN CLOSE. As open and personal as even this week’s postings will be, there are still very many layers to go, most incredibly shameful – some past and yes, even some present - I’m not ready to put those out there yet (if ever.) There are layers I’m not ready to share with anybody.

But this layer I am. We are. Stay tuned.

It’s cold, windy and all around not fun in the Kansas City metro today. Flurries blowing around in the gusty, frigid wind.

But not even Jack Frost himself could keep me away from my hair cut.

And I must say, it was completely worth it.

I love you, Jerry Jackson. Thanks again for another fabulous hair cut.

(Go visit his website linked above - He’s not only an incredible hair dresser, but amazing photographer and overall creative genius!)

[[edit://Per Kristi Fair's request - a photo of the new do. Pardon the camera phone quality, lack of makeup and overall gooberness of this shot - It's Friday. The cut's kind of a shaggy euro bob with pixie bangs. A mosaic of style and creativity I owe all to Jerry.]]

I’m starting a landslide in my ego.
Look from the outside to the world I left behind.
I’m dreaming, you’re awake.
If I were sleeping,
Once I’d say
A day without me.

What are the feelings I’ve been feeling?
What are the feelings to let me out?
Today’s a day without me.

I just got off the phone with my friend Wes at Lake Pointe. Wes, Christina, and all the other media family at Lake Pointe became fast friends with Chris & me over the last few weeks. I have appreciated their unconditional love, wisdom, grace & acceptance through the process of interviewing for a position with them.

It was not an easy call to make. Not a single red flag presented itself. Everything pointed to yes. But something in my spirit kept saying “This is a season for you to be still.” The counsel I sought outside confirmed “Don’t feel like you have to take the job.”

So, it was with much procrastination that I called Wes today to let him know of my decision not to move in that direction. He only called me a couple bad names after I told him no…(Just kidding, Wes!) He understood completely and lovingly our decision. And now, we have more friends to hang out with when we visit Texas. To all you LP people who have found your way here to my blog - thank you. We enjoyed meeting you so much! We are blessed to count you friends (and JJ, I know you’re reading this…so quit your lurking and leave a comment! You have been found out!)

What’s next? I don’t know. Checking into some local possibilities for employment and freelancing to keep the gas bill paid (it’s supposed to be freezing this weekend!).

Thanks for your prayers and tracking with me. If you’re reading this, I love doing life with you.

1) Valentine’s Day

V-Day is a day for suckers created by the flower and candy companies. Yes, I’m married and yes, I’m a goober for all things mushy, but even for me, Valentine’s Day is silly. So, cancel your overpriced dinner reservations or angsty chick flick “girls nights” and get some free love at Blackdog Coffeehouse in Lenexa. Come see JT Brown, Chris Jackson (yeah, that’s my husband and yeah, he’s hot) and Daniel Cox acoustically tempt your insatiable desire for good music.

2) Working Out

We live 25 steps from a full fitness center that we get to use for free because of the apartment complex where we live. We have lived here since October and I’ve not used it once - until today. 1 mile on the treadmill and 1.5 miles on the exercise bike later and I have a hard time remembering that only a few years ago, I was playing basketball in school doing 2-a-days without effort. Goal = 4 days a week cardio, 2 days a week weights.

3) Crying

Today I cried. Usually I know ahead of time if I am going to cry or not - a funeral, reading a heartwrenching story, the usual. But today, Chris and I were talking about talents and passions. I started talking about something that has been on my heart for a while as far as what my soul has been longing for the last few months (read this post for details). Anyway, the tears just began streaming down my face as I spoke about it…and then I couldn’t speak about it anymore. Words couldn’t come. Only tears. They were suprising and refreshing.

So, there’s a dose of Sunday Randomness for you. Maybe tomorrow I’ll have something substantial to write!

Chris and I had a date night tonight, stuffing our faces with Boston Market & dessert at Beanology. Lots of great conversation about life, love, the future. My heart - his heart. I love being married.

We stopped by Best Buy on the way home. I felt a little too full to roll myself out of the car, so I stayed in, skimming through Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell. If you know me, you know I don’t like reading books (articles, blogs, anything short - thus the skimming.) However, I landed on a few pages that I felt I could have written.

I beg you to hang in there and read this post. I know it’s long. But as many of you have wondered what happened to Anne - her job, her life…these questions are all answered here. And more importantly, you need to read it. Not because Rob Bell wrote it, not because I’m copying it, but because it is so true. Please. Stay. Read.

Here are some excerpts:

“I had this false sense of guilt and subsequent shame because I believed deep down I wasn’t working hard enough. And I believed the not-working-hard-enough lie because I didn’t function like superpastor, who isn’t real anyway.

So I had one choice - I had to kill superpastor.

I had to take him out back and end his pathetic existence.

I went to the leaders of our church and shared with them my journey as it was unfolding. I told them if they needed to release me and find a superpastor, I understood. If we don’t know who we are or where we are trying to go, we put the people around us in an uncomfortable position. They are doing the best they can with what they have - but sometimes we haven’t given them very much have we?…”

I meet so many people who have superwhatever rattling around in their head. They have this person they are convinced they are supposed to be, and their superwhatever is killing them. They have this image they picked up over the years of how they are supposed to look and act and work and play and talk and it’s like a voice that never stops shouting in their ear.

And the only way not to be killed by it is to shoot first.

Yes, that is what I meant to write.

You have to kill your superwhatever.

And you have to do it right now.”

“…[sometimes] the talk seems so shallow. Like nobody is talking about what really matters. I think this is a direct effect of the state of the souls of many pastors and church leaders. So many leaders in Christian communities are going so fast and producing so much and accomplishing so much that they become a shell of a person. There is no space to deal honestly with what is going on deeply inside them…”

Before I go any further, know I am not talking about the environment in which I previously worked. I write these things as a reflection of my own experience - my own heart. I got wrapped up into producing for a short while…and after a few months, my super-artist-communications-director-look-at-me-I’m-a-superstar KILLED ME.

It killed me…almost.

Look back on My Xanga. Read back in August - hospital stay. November - headaches and tests. Each time, nothing was really wrong. Just my brain trying to kill my body and my body fighting my soul.

I couldn’t do it any more. And it showed. I talked about it with my leaders. And they talked about it with me. They needed a fast-paced producer. They needed a super person. I can’t force myself to fit that role. I could not be the superperson they needed. So I resigned.

AND THAT IS OKAY.

Fast Forward

While at Best Buy, Chris bought the Our Lady Peace Live DVD. He put it in as I started working on some freelance stuff I’m working on. One of my favorite songs happened to come on as I was working. It confirmed to me I need to write this…my journey of killing the superwhatever.

Do you worry that you’re not liked
How long till you break
You’re happy cause you smile
But how much can you fake
An ordinary boy, an ordinary name
But ordinary’s just not good enough today
Alone…
I’m thinking why?
Yeah, superman’s dead
Yeah, is it in my head?
Yeah, we’ll just laugh instead

-Superman’s Dead (Our Lady Peace)

Coincidence?

I think not.

For you to think on:

Close your eyes.
Think.
What is my superwhatever?
What is it that I need to kill?
(Before it kills me?)

Do it.

You have to kill your superwhatever.

And you have to do it right now.

I know it’s been a while since there was something of substance on here. It’s been a busy couple of weeks, and there are a lot of things happening…decisions to be made…feelings to sort through…and some freelance design on top of it all to keep me busy.

Yesterday I wasn’t feeling too great, so I canceled my appointments and just kind of sat around and talked to God a lot. During that time, I checked my email a zillion times, and in doing that, got some updates on some people I know. I realized something HUGE I’ve got to work through. Here’s my dilemma:

When there is someone in my life I don’t really care for (you know…sandpaper people) and something bad happens to them…I can’t help but feel a little bit happy. I know, it’s terrible but in a way I feel justified…like, “Yeah, you’re just getting what you deserve, sucker! It’s about time!” Awful, awful, awful. The feelings of “dog’h” arrive shortly after.

So…new goal for life (or at least for today, and then tomorrow. and the next day) - Try and look at people, especially the people I’m not so fond of, with the eyes of Christ. I think of how it is our crap he died for, bled for, and was beaten to a bloody pulp for, yet he never looks at us when something bad happens and thinks, “Yeah, you deserve it!”

Never.

Yes, it’s a parody. But it provided one of the best laughs I’ve had in a while!

(Click for full product description)

Tooth = fixed for now. Drilled down the sharp edge, put some bonding stuff in it.

Must get a crown later. No biggie.

Hung around with the awesome staff & volunteers of the Lake Pointe media team. Mucho fun! I’ve never seen a team function like a family the way they do. Truly amazing.

Met the parents and sibling for dinner. Quite nice. Haven’t seen them in over a year. I love my parents. And my brother.

About to go to sleep…early morning tomorrow! We’re having a ball though.

Just a quick note - free business center in the hotel! We arrived safely on a quick flight down, but not without a little random story.

So, I pop my gum in my mouth to avoid the imminent ear popping, and I bite down…hear a big “crunch” and feel a very sharp pain on the right side of my face.

Was it a bone in my gum? A finger? A chicken beak?

No…it was the back 1/4 of my right, bottom molar! I think I had a filling there but I don’t remember. So at 9am tomorrow, I will be meeting Dr. Nolte (I think that is her last name!) who is a loving member of Lake Pointe (the church we are visiting - Thanks, Christina!) to get that fixed! (Remember how at breakfast, Crystal, I said I thought I was getting a cavity? Turns out my tooth just wanted to break!)

Anyway, just a quick hello. Thanks for your prayers! Please keep them coming!

Tomorrow at 2pm, I will be turning in my laptop. She’s been good the last 2.5 years…has traveled all over the country with me, and has the battle scars to prove it. There is no “0″ key…just a little nub of rubber where it was once attached. If you bump the DVD/CD slot just right, the cover falls off.

I bought another laptop on eBay yesterday. I sooo wanted a Mac, but the software I have is all PC, and I already have 4 or 5 freelance projects lined up for the next couple of weeks (a girl gotta make money somehow!) so I did the responsible thing and got a really juiced up HP notebook. It actually already has the new Adobe CS2 installed (I only have a disc for v.7) and the latest Macromedia 8 (I have MX), plus Office & XP Pro and a huge, 100g hard drive. CD/DVD-R/RW, wireless (of course), and more…it’s juicy.

Anyway, there is a slight chance it will arrive tomorrow before we leave but more than likely, it will show up after our trip meaning I won’t be able to email or blog for a while (Probably Tuesday). So…

*Please pray for us - our health & safety (Chris is still fighting his cold)
*For clarity on our next steps
*For the relationships we’ll develop further in Texas

Thanks everyone… Much love.

We have two cats. A gray one named The Flop, and an orange one named Wicket. We got Flop around Christmas 2003 and Wicket, Thanksgiving 2004. I remember seeing his picture online at the shelter, after browsing through hundreds of kittens. Something about him stood out…and I knew he was the one. We went to the shelter to “meet” him and make sure we connected, and I’ll never forget how, when the lady opened his cage, he literally jumped right into my arms and started nuzzling my face.

Yup, he was the one alright. We took him home and he rode the entire way nuzzled up into my neck, purring like there was no tomorrow.

So, we’ve had Wicket for a little over a year. We don’t let the cats sleep in our room, and every morning without fail, Wicket is waiting for Chris to open the door when he leaves for work…just trying to sneak by him and jump on our bed to start his morning affection cuddle. Usually, I’m still asleep and Chris does a good job at keeping him out, but now and then he slips by, barrels across our bedroom and leaps on the bed, motor running and head going straight under my neck.

So, by now you’re wondering…what the heck does this have to do with God? I mean, you did title your post “Cats & Abba”)…Well, this morning was one of those mornings where he snuck in and leaped over the bed, right on top of me…meowing and purring and doing the little nuzzle thing with his head. It kind of struck me today though, that he has ALWAYS done this…it wasn’t the initial high of getting adopted…it’s every morning.

I began to wonder why I am not more like my cat with God. He has given me so much…the necessities, but also a few toy balls, and some cat treats to eat too. He has blessed me so abudantly, but typically in the morning I roll out of bed and complain how bright the sun is (I don’t really like the sun) or how 8am is too early to wake up (knowing how good I have it to be able to come in a little later to the office.)

My cat taught me a lesson today…about gratefulness…and love. Regardless of how many times I’ve shot him with the water gun to stop him from doing something bad…or stepped on his tail (accidentally, of course)…he is always ready to show he loves me at the first possible second in the day.

See…cats aren’t all bad.