1) Valentine’s Day

V-Day is a day for suckers created by the flower and candy companies. Yes, I’m married and yes, I’m a goober for all things mushy, but even for me, Valentine’s Day is silly. So, cancel your overpriced dinner reservations or angsty chick flick “girls nights” and get some free love at Blackdog Coffeehouse in Lenexa. Come see JT Brown, Chris Jackson (yeah, that’s my husband and yeah, he’s hot) and Daniel Cox acoustically tempt your insatiable desire for good music.

2) Working Out

We live 25 steps from a full fitness center that we get to use for free because of the apartment complex where we live. We have lived here since October and I’ve not used it once - until today. 1 mile on the treadmill and 1.5 miles on the exercise bike later and I have a hard time remembering that only a few years ago, I was playing basketball in school doing 2-a-days without effort. Goal = 4 days a week cardio, 2 days a week weights.

3) Crying

Today I cried. Usually I know ahead of time if I am going to cry or not - a funeral, reading a heartwrenching story, the usual. But today, Chris and I were talking about talents and passions. I started talking about something that has been on my heart for a while as far as what my soul has been longing for the last few months (read this post for details). Anyway, the tears just began streaming down my face as I spoke about it…and then I couldn’t speak about it anymore. Words couldn’t come. Only tears. They were suprising and refreshing.

So, there’s a dose of Sunday Randomness for you. Maybe tomorrow I’ll have something substantial to write!

Chris and I had a date night tonight, stuffing our faces with Boston Market & dessert at Beanology. Lots of great conversation about life, love, the future. My heart - his heart. I love being married.

We stopped by Best Buy on the way home. I felt a little too full to roll myself out of the car, so I stayed in, skimming through Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell. If you know me, you know I don’t like reading books (articles, blogs, anything short - thus the skimming.) However, I landed on a few pages that I felt I could have written.

I beg you to hang in there and read this post. I know it’s long. But as many of you have wondered what happened to Anne - her job, her life…these questions are all answered here. And more importantly, you need to read it. Not because Rob Bell wrote it, not because I’m copying it, but because it is so true. Please. Stay. Read.

Here are some excerpts:

“I had this false sense of guilt and subsequent shame because I believed deep down I wasn’t working hard enough. And I believed the not-working-hard-enough lie because I didn’t function like superpastor, who isn’t real anyway.

So I had one choice - I had to kill superpastor.

I had to take him out back and end his pathetic existence.

I went to the leaders of our church and shared with them my journey as it was unfolding. I told them if they needed to release me and find a superpastor, I understood. If we don’t know who we are or where we are trying to go, we put the people around us in an uncomfortable position. They are doing the best they can with what they have - but sometimes we haven’t given them very much have we?…”

I meet so many people who have superwhatever rattling around in their head. They have this person they are convinced they are supposed to be, and their superwhatever is killing them. They have this image they picked up over the years of how they are supposed to look and act and work and play and talk and it’s like a voice that never stops shouting in their ear.

And the only way not to be killed by it is to shoot first.

Yes, that is what I meant to write.

You have to kill your superwhatever.

And you have to do it right now.”

“…[sometimes] the talk seems so shallow. Like nobody is talking about what really matters. I think this is a direct effect of the state of the souls of many pastors and church leaders. So many leaders in Christian communities are going so fast and producing so much and accomplishing so much that they become a shell of a person. There is no space to deal honestly with what is going on deeply inside them…”

Before I go any further, know I am not talking about the environment in which I previously worked. I write these things as a reflection of my own experience - my own heart. I got wrapped up into producing for a short while…and after a few months, my super-artist-communications-director-look-at-me-I’m-a-superstar KILLED ME.

It killed me…almost.

Look back on My Xanga. Read back in August - hospital stay. November - headaches and tests. Each time, nothing was really wrong. Just my brain trying to kill my body and my body fighting my soul.

I couldn’t do it any more. And it showed. I talked about it with my leaders. And they talked about it with me. They needed a fast-paced producer. They needed a super person. I can’t force myself to fit that role. I could not be the superperson they needed. So I resigned.

AND THAT IS OKAY.

Fast Forward

While at Best Buy, Chris bought the Our Lady Peace Live DVD. He put it in as I started working on some freelance stuff I’m working on. One of my favorite songs happened to come on as I was working. It confirmed to me I need to write this…my journey of killing the superwhatever.

Do you worry that you’re not liked
How long till you break
You’re happy cause you smile
But how much can you fake
An ordinary boy, an ordinary name
But ordinary’s just not good enough today
Alone…
I’m thinking why?
Yeah, superman’s dead
Yeah, is it in my head?
Yeah, we’ll just laugh instead

-Superman’s Dead (Our Lady Peace)

Coincidence?

I think not.

For you to think on:

Close your eyes.
Think.
What is my superwhatever?
What is it that I need to kill?
(Before it kills me?)

Do it.

You have to kill your superwhatever.

And you have to do it right now.

I know it’s been a while since there was something of substance on here. It’s been a busy couple of weeks, and there are a lot of things happening…decisions to be made…feelings to sort through…and some freelance design on top of it all to keep me busy.

Yesterday I wasn’t feeling too great, so I canceled my appointments and just kind of sat around and talked to God a lot. During that time, I checked my email a zillion times, and in doing that, got some updates on some people I know. I realized something HUGE I’ve got to work through. Here’s my dilemma:

When there is someone in my life I don’t really care for (you know…sandpaper people) and something bad happens to them…I can’t help but feel a little bit happy. I know, it’s terrible but in a way I feel justified…like, “Yeah, you’re just getting what you deserve, sucker! It’s about time!” Awful, awful, awful. The feelings of “dog’h” arrive shortly after.

So…new goal for life (or at least for today, and then tomorrow. and the next day) - Try and look at people, especially the people I’m not so fond of, with the eyes of Christ. I think of how it is our crap he died for, bled for, and was beaten to a bloody pulp for, yet he never looks at us when something bad happens and thinks, “Yeah, you deserve it!”

Never.

Yes, it’s a parody. But it provided one of the best laughs I’ve had in a while!

(Click for full product description)

Tooth = fixed for now. Drilled down the sharp edge, put some bonding stuff in it.

Must get a crown later. No biggie.

Hung around with the awesome staff & volunteers of the Lake Pointe media team. Mucho fun! I’ve never seen a team function like a family the way they do. Truly amazing.

Met the parents and sibling for dinner. Quite nice. Haven’t seen them in over a year. I love my parents. And my brother.

About to go to sleep…early morning tomorrow! We’re having a ball though.

Just a quick note - free business center in the hotel! We arrived safely on a quick flight down, but not without a little random story.

So, I pop my gum in my mouth to avoid the imminent ear popping, and I bite down…hear a big “crunch” and feel a very sharp pain on the right side of my face.

Was it a bone in my gum? A finger? A chicken beak?

No…it was the back 1/4 of my right, bottom molar! I think I had a filling there but I don’t remember. So at 9am tomorrow, I will be meeting Dr. Nolte (I think that is her last name!) who is a loving member of Lake Pointe (the church we are visiting - Thanks, Christina!) to get that fixed! (Remember how at breakfast, Crystal, I said I thought I was getting a cavity? Turns out my tooth just wanted to break!)

Anyway, just a quick hello. Thanks for your prayers! Please keep them coming!