Old Vices
September 30th, 2006 @ 9:54 pm
I have been reading Erwin McManus’ “Uprising” today, and I’m about halfway through it. In it, he talks about integrity and how (my paraphrase) when the crap hits the fan, we will show what we’re made of with our attitude. Either we’ll be reflecting the grace of God or we’ll be showing our true nature.
Today has been a really crappy day. Let’s just say neither of our cars are working right (one isn’t working at all), we got stranded in San Marcos for a couple hours because our newest car decided not to start. We get back and the kitchen is totally infested with ants. Nothing really major in comparison to the really horrible things going on in the world, but still, really frustrating.
So, even after just reading this bit about integrity, I don’t even give it a second thought and retreat to my old vices. I get really pissed off and drive like an idiot with the radio blaring, and white-knuckling the steering wheel and putting both my husband’s and my safety at risk. I think how easy it would be to go home, drink a huge glass of wine to “relax” or medicate my attitude in some other way. That’s what I did in the past and it helped, so it would surely be okay now, right? Then, some guy emails me with a rude comment and I instantly snap back at him just as rudely and then I realize how stupid I am being (and email him again to apologize).
Anyway, all that to say, if you read my blog…please do not hold me up on some pedestal. While we were in Scotland, James was joking that I pastor a megachurch because of the number of people that visit this site in a month, and I want to officially let it be known to you that I am human, a woman of many faults & weaknesses and lack the faith to trust God in crappy times and instead rely on my own anger-management habits.
Now I am going to take a really deep breath and go to bed and hope my husband will forgive me for being dumb tonight.
Related posts:
Authenticity
Tim said,
October 1, 2006 at 12:29 am
I think the biggest misconception is that someone actually does have it together. If there is one, I haven’t met them. I am glad you can be honest. I hope your day goes better tomorrow. It is soo dang hard to rely on God in those crappy times, because for me, its in those times that I feel so far from God. I don’t want to pray, I don’t want to meditate, I don’t want to do anything but focus on myself. And yes I am selfish. How does one not focus on the crap in their life when thats all they see? I have had people in my life, who make the suggestion that I must “Practice the presence of God”. That I need to learn to see God in all things. Somewhere I just lose sight of anything but me. I’ll stop now, I have my own blog :-) Thanks Anne, for your honesty.
James Petticrew said,
October 1, 2006 at 12:42 am
Anne, pastors are human beings too, no honestly! We sin and do all sorts of daft stuff. You lived with us for 2 weeks, you know I am very human. We never grow out of doing sinful human things and what you have described above is a perfect example of what Erwin is talking about. You are not content to live with your natural reactions, you realise you have reacted wrongly and you have the desire to change. Where do you think that realization and desire comes from, the Holy Spirit, of course. If the above is an example of your human sinfulness, it is equally an example of your sensitivity to the Spirit. Sounds to me that you are describing the process of sanctification.
Its always a good idea for husbands to cut their wives some grace, because being male you know we are going to need some from them before too long!
Gwen said,
October 1, 2006 at 7:49 am
underscore, italic, underscore!
No one lives up to this standard Anne. The victory is in the conviction that we aren’t happy with our reactions when we respond in this way. It’s all about Grace, giving and receiving. I say, well done!
Tommy Watson said,
October 2, 2006 at 9:56 am
Anne,
I love your transparency! We all have faults.
West Wheeler said,
October 3, 2006 at 6:46 pm
Anne,
conviction sucks…..recovery sucks….but at least we’re recovering…..Keep at it! Funny thing was, I was bored and tried to download “Limewire” so I could find some free porn to get around any of the accountability software. Luckily, when it wasn’t available free any longer, I just went to X3 Church’s website and read the blogs……take care and keep going….West
beauty make tip up said,
January 31, 2007 at 9:33 am
beauty make tip up
Didn’t notice it before . . . quite clever.