FlowerDust.net

What are two things that just get you fired up? That make your heart rate soar and your adrenaline flow when you are confronted with them? The things you would fight for regardless of how foolish you looked, or how alone you stood?

Mine are injustice and disrespectfulness.

What are yours?

It’s time to do this again…I am bumping this post to the top on the account of “meeting” about ten new people this week who have either been lurking a while and have just started commenting, or have just recently found this little corner of the web!

So…I am wondering who else is out there!

Without further adieu…please introduce yourself if you already haven’t below…and read through the list of FlowerDusters (did I really just write that? YIKES!) who often drop by my humble abode.

who are you?
where are you?
whaddya do?
how’d you get here?

anything else on top of that is icing on the cake!

I rarely post actual journal entries on my blog, but i was feeling very Jerry Maguire last night as we drove to a screening of the movie first snow (which, by the way, was so-so). You know the moment when Jerry wakes up in a cold sweat and composes his mission statement [not memo]? I had one of those moments last night. It is very rambling (thus the reason i rarely post journal entries) and hopefully by some miracle you will make it through….Here goes:

Unity. Something I have been seriously testing my heart on lately. Unity within the Church is so hard to come by lately it seems. From internally (my perspective as a PK growing up, and spending collectively seven years in full time vocational ministry)…it is so easy to tear down individual people with whom you work, to get frustrated with a certain department or ministry within the organization.

And externally: gossip, lying, betrayal; the Body of Christ beating up other members without a second thought. Generally speaking, local church congregations are competing instead of partnering to impact the communities in which we all are placed to be the Christ to those around us.

While there is always room for constructive criticism, iron sharpening iron per se, it should be handled with love, and Biblically, face-to-face. Not behind closed doors (or behind backs).

In the area of communication within a local church, something I have been a part of for the last two years, we especially are ever-so-fierce (without intending to be, I’m sure).

I have both been on the giving and receiving end of other church’s communication pieces, being hypercritical of their design and mistakes. I have also been hypercritical of ministries within the congregation where I serve.

What is troubling is the ease of which I have done this, and also have seen it done. When I truly reflect, I feel such conviction about conversations in which I have taken part, grumbling about this person, this ministry, this church…and how desensitized many of us have become.

These rants (subtle or obvious) litter our everyday conversations, blog posts, emails. And if we are so vocally open about them, what is truly the condition of our hearts concerning unity?

What is the condition of mine?

We tear apart the Body, piece-by-piece, oblivious to our actions…or their consequences. Again I quote the great Colson: Unity is the single most effective form of evangelism. I am learning how important this unity is. For the sake of believers…but also for the sake of those who don’t yet believe.

there are only 36 blogs to which i subscribe. i check out probably double or triple that on any given week, but i am only subscribed to 36. some of them haven’t updated for a while. i’m getting bored.

who should i read? why?

(by the way, i’ve added some easy options if you don’t subscribe to flowerdust.net and would like to. they are over there on the right…see ‘em? very well.)

last week, i got to meet with published author, lake pointe member, and overall amazing woman, mary demuth. and recently, we added to our staff the knowledgeble kurt bruner, who was previously on staff at focus on the family, and an author of several books.

both mary and kurt graciously read over the articles i’ve written in the last year, and responded with encouragement and feedback. something that has impacted me the most was something kurt noted:

I encourage you to try telling a few uplifting stories to test your craft. Strange as it may sound, it is easier to write about evil characters in drama, murder in fiction and painful situations in non-fiction than it is to portray the good and beautiful as truly appealing. That is why Tolkien is considered by many to be the greatest writer of the 20th century – he managed to portray the heavy darkness of evil without blinking, yet makes you yearn for the light of goodness.

Yeah, he totally nailed me on that one. So has my husband.

I have a little over a month until my next article is technically “due” and at this point, I know I must venture into the realm of uplifting. Easier said than done. I am by default a melancholy soul, and although consider all things joy, and realize God wants to give me abundant joy, it is easier for me to write about my mistakes and shortcomings (because they end with redemption).

I would really appreciate your prayers as I listen to the Spirit’s voice while determining what I am supposed to write about next month. And if any of you have advice or encouragement or even writers you love that have a more positive slant to their writing, feel free to share their links or articles.

should i hat?

or should i not?

the other day, chris and i were wandering around urban outfitters at mockingbird station before seeing a movie. i fell in love with a particular pink hat. however, as one would imagine, i can not afford to spend $24 on a hat i would only occassionally wear.

upon discussing this dilemma over dinner with our friend and coworker andrew, andrew mentions he has a few similar hats at home, brings them up to work today, and below is a shoddy camera phone shot of me in said hat.

i have never been a hat-wearer. i have big ears, so maybe i should have been one. last year, i had you vote on my glasses. this year, it’s the hat. i ask again. should i hat? or should i not?

Relevant has posted a new article by yours truly. I hope you enjoy, and thanks for all your support!

The Little Green Monster — Anne Jackson

frail…
hanging on by a thread
[strong, quiet, red]
yet barely attached, and reflections
of the past cause envy in the present
soaking and swimming in thoughts
[to prove that i'm not worthy of this task before me]
as if you didn’t already know
fear of their expectations
my slavery to them
actually hold some value
disappointed me, you
but hidden behind a wall of enamel
i’m still protected from their knowledge of the truth
not yours, mine
ends justifying the means
presumably
at least at this juncture
and here
i wait.

i have been an extreme girl over the last few days: being emotional, making myself sick on chocolate truffles, wearing pointy-toed shoes and watching bridget jones 2. so, although most of my readers are guys, and i wouldn’t expect for you to post (but hey, if you feel you can contribute, please do…) i wanted to post a girly post about some of my favorite girl things i can’t live without. maybe guys, you can post your manly things you can’t live without. and if you can, link to the product so those of us who might be interested in exploring it further can do so!

my list:

[food]

hershey’s chocolate truffles (65%)
any chocolate pudding
italian food (sans mushrooms)
diet dr. pepper
decaf mochas
sweet corn

[clothing and accessories]
gap curvy jeans (which are on sale!)
camisoles to go under everything
ann marino pointy shoes (as featured in the profile picture)
beaded jewelry
tattoos (#3 will be coming soon!)

[skin/hair care]

Kose Seikisho White Mask (it’s really black!)
Boots Botanics Conditioning Clay Mask
Oil of Olay Regenerist Line
TIGI products (After Party, Superstar)
Fructis Sleek & Shine (Shampoo, Conditioner, Leave-In & Hairspray)

What little luxuries must you have?

i wrote about this several months ago, but i read this again today and decided to repost it.  I think it fits in with some of the stuff we’ve been discussing, and to be quite honest, my mind has been completely empty the last few days.

Cheap grace is the deadly enemy of our Church. We are fighting today for costly grace.

Cheap grace means grace sold on the market like cheapjack’s wares. The sacraments, the forgiveness of sin, and the consolations of religion are thrown away at cut prices…

Cheap grace means the justification of sin without the justification of the sinner…

Cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance, baptism without church discipline, communion without confession, absolution without personal confession.

Cheap grace is grace without discipleship…

Costly grace is the treasure hidden in the field; for the sake of it, a man will gladly go and sell all that he has…it is the kingly rule of Christ, for whose sake a man will pluck out the eye which causes him to stumble.

Costly grace is the gospel which must be sought again and again, the gift that must be asked for, the door at which one must knock.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer

if you haven’t read the most recent comments on being the body (part 1), i recommend you do so before continuing onward. there are a lot of good thoughts, examples, and truths shared by so many of you.

two common themes which showed up and i’d like to discuss further are:

1. we live in a consumeristic culture, so it’s difficult for the church to reach people in ways where they don’t feel comfortable or justified in “going” to church. some questions brought up in the book: since when is the gospel of christ comfortable? since when is confronting sin comfortable? grace is all encompassing and forgiveness covers all sin, as well as the fact we serve and worship a loving god, but the truth is god cannot stand to look at us if it weren’t for the cross. does this message get watered down? not necessarily from the pulpit or platform, but from the layers the church (local) adds in order to “bring people in” so they may be reached?
2. the church’s call is to go and make disciples. in what ways do you see local churches obeying this call? is there too much emphasis placed on “saving people” and as RobP said in the comments, once any sort of commitment is asked or sacrifice is required, people bail out because they have been conditioned by society to get something out of every investment. do we also condition them by the bells and whistles and programs and not communicate the necessary sacrifice in being a christ-follower?

thanks for all your thoughts & prayers. i am in my layover and KCI and enjoying a very slow but free wifi connection. i thought i’d take this chance to start a discussion on here. i hope you’ll participate.

our teaching pastor, wes hamilton, let me borrow a book by chuck colson called “being the body.” if you have even the smallest bit of your heart that you love the church with, i strongly recommend you getting this book. it is almost 500 pages long and a very deep read, but it has been one of the most intriguing books i’ve tackled in a while (I’m only on page 130 287).

i have been taking notes throughout, and thought i’d post a little bit about what i’m learning and hopefully open up some discussion. the first part of the book is about how the current church is in the midst of an identity crisis. here are some bullet points i took out that i’d love for you to think about and discuss.

Misconceptions of the Church/Identity Crisis

-The Church is a building

1. The word church is from the Greek word Ekklesia, which means gathering of people. It really was used more in a political sense in the New Testament times but believers began using it to describe their gatherings
2. Instead of an abundance of “go and tell” it has become “come and see”

-The Church goer is a consumer

1. What’s in it for me?
2. Go where you “feel” good - where you feel “led”
3. Many churches aim to provide support over salvation
4. Help…over holiness
5. And convey the sense of “spiritual equality” and not God-ordained authority
6. Many churches also unintentionally encourage spectators instead of participators
7. People are invited to “discover themselves” in churches — and self realization and God realization are diametrically opposed
8. Consumerism works against the unity of the universal Church. You know you have heard conversations about people church hopping because of better programs, and I know it may not be the heart of any particular church to “steal” these people away, but let’s not be stupid here. It happens. And unity is the single greatest evangelical tool the church has — It shows that Jesus is who he claimed to be.

-Ending Thoughts

It’s no surprise people who aren’t religious or don’t go to church don’t understand its identity and mission. In fact, I am sitting in front of several ladies who are talking about the fact they have no clue about anything religious (They also think Kwanzaa is an Asian holiday). But when Christians don’t know what the church is…it’s a CRISIS.

your thoughts?

(next topic: fellowship)

my grandfather passed away early this morning. it was expected; in fact, he was supposed to pass away two years ago…what a fighter!  anyway, his memorial service is tomorrow evening, and i will be out traveling a lot the next few days.

i will be leaving dallas at 6:30 am monday morning and have a layover in kansas city for three hours (so if any of my old kc friends want to come party at the awesome KCI, i will be there from 8 am to 11 am…just call or email me!)  then it’s off to LAX where i pick up a car and drive to san diego (it is much cheaper to do that than to fly into SD).  then the memorial service, sleep, and leaving SD tuesday morning at 9:30 am to head back into LA where i hope to catch up with some old friends and maybe…just maybe…meet mr. carlos whittaker face to face…

tuesday night i crash on a couch of the generous martinez family, and wake up early for my 6:40 am flight back to dallas.  i get back in dallas at 1:30 pm and head into work to send some stuff to print!  whew!

(i think i really typed all this out so i can know what i’m doing and if i forget i can check my blog…)

aside all the crazy/hectic aspects, please keep my family in your prayers as many of us are traveling to and fro, and that we will be able to give my grandfather the wonderful and sweet memorial he deserves.

he was the first guy to give me a really “girly” outfit (i was a tomboy) and always encouraged me to show my feminine side (now, i am a bit too girly, but i thank him for that).  he would always bring me books when he would visit and we’d go on walks together.  he was a very sweet man, who became a christian in his late 80’s.

thanks for your thoughts and prayers…

i was suddenly inspired to give my blog a makeover.  play around and let me know what you think or if you find any problems.  when letting me know of an issue, please let me know what platform you use (mac or pc) and what browser (firefox, safari, internet explorer, etc.)

i hope you enjoy!

lately, i’ve been wondering so much about the history of my faith. i’m not questioning the inerrant truths of the bible, but my soul is lacking the rich past of the christ-followers who journeyed centuries before me; their traditions (and most importantly the meaning behind those traditions), their ideals, their loves, god’s glorification through them.

my soul is lacking the mystical and unexplainable aspects of my faith.

i think sometimes we try too hard to explain the unexplainable and in doing so, we somehow lessen the power of the mystery and beauty of our heavenly father has; and unfortunately we confine our existence on the earth to glorify him into a neat little box.

although biblical application to our lives is necessary for our survival, not to mention our very worship and communion with god, why must we always have an answer for everything that happens in life? why must we justify everything?

we drain the wonder out of all things wonderful.

and then the only thing we are left wondering about is why our lives lack the spark and mystery we had as children…in a time before we knew it all.

in a time where all we did was wonder.

And I’ll slip out a back door
I was looking for a fire escape
And I’ll be rippin’ up the floorboards
Just trying to get away
From this sleeplessness
Sleeplessness, sleeplessness

‘Cause my mind just can’t stop movin’, I think I know why
Oooh, I know why
It’s sad, but I’m a sucker for a kind word
And I’ll just hurt until I find one
I’ll just hurt until I find one

(*currently most played album on my iPod over the last three weeks…what’s yours?)

To be honest, I was afraid to weigh myself today. Two and a half days eating nothing but big, heavy meals in Austin (plus having a dessert called “Big Chocolate Cake” delivered via room service) and no working out in the last five days is enough to make any girl trying to lose weight fearful of stepping on the scale of truth.

But, I was very, very surprised.

1/1=162
1/8=159
1/15=158
1/22=156
1/31=154
2/6=152
2/13=150
2/27=149
3/7=146

Total Weight Lost in 2007: 16 lbs
Total Weight Lost since Scotland Trip (9/06): 21 lbs

That seems SO unreal!  I don’t feel like I look any differently, but I do notice my pants (jeans for you Brits) are fitting a little more loosely.

How in the world did I lose 3 pounds eating cake and greasy nachos and extra cheesy pizza? I would guess that it was all the walking we did around town? That is the only thing that I can imagine. Either way, I am happy, and only one pound away from the high end of my goal weight range (140-145).

Woohoo!

How are you fools? :)

$9.95/day for wifi in a hotel room. (which, if one were to pay full retail value of this room, two nights of staying here would cost more than one month’s rent). thank goodness for friends with connections as with the discount we received, it would actually be more expensive to stay in a days inn than at this trendy, north austin marriott. really, is any room worth $359/night?

the driving time, plus the reflecting time, plus the massaging shower head time, has made me realize many things that are fighting for my heart’s affections now. most of them not being good. i never was one to let envy or discontent take up considerable amounts of my thoughts, but lately i have been almost consumed by them. ironically, a few weeks ago, i wrote an article on envy and contentment for our church magazine.

lately, my spirit has been encouraged and affirmed in the way god is using me by several people. sometimes in very unexpected ways (or unexpected people) that one could only know it was the holy spirit guiding the people who have said these kind words.

however, despite the constant encouragement, i still feel my heart lacking, wanting and empty. i suppose a lesson in wanting man’s confirmation and not god’s is being learned?

I found this verse last night, shortly before going to bed.

Accept the way God does things,
for who can straighten what he has made crooked? (Ecc 7:13)

And I thought…how funny.  Here I am, trying to be perfect, when I know I’m weird and crooked. Chances are, you are too.

i often find myself wondering (but at the same time knowing) why in the world god would put someone who’s borderline anti-social (me) in a huge local church. our entire paid staff hovers somewhere in the upper 200 range i believe, and every weekend over 10,000 people (including the wee ones) are drawn through the doors of our building.

some of you who read this know me (as in personally) and probably wonder why i say i’m borderline anti-social. i may not seem that way, (most of the time). i talk to everyone i run into in the halls, have recently started hanging out with some high schoolers, and can even get into deep dicussions with the waiter at Friday’s.

but to the few who read this that know me very well (also the ones who may barely know me yet can see right through me) you would probably agree with that statement (my mother included…i know you still read this, mom).

lately i have been fighting these issues. it’s extremely easy for me to withdraw from people (ironically, as much as i love them)…not out of laziness or a lack of compassion - but out of the undue pressure i place on myself…the desire to be perceived as having all my crap together. to be perfect. perfect-thinking. perfect-looking. perfect-acting.

last night i began analyzing this and realize that in some capacity (self-induced) i am unable to actually progress in forming relationships. i am great at meeting people. i am great at listening to people. and sometimes, i am even alright at sharing opinions or ideals or some parts of my past with them. but that’s as far as it goes.

why?

i live in a box.

it’s not a solid, confining box. over time, i’ve made a few holes in it where people can reach in or i can reach out. so, most of the time, there’s an arm or a hand sticking out. but regardless of how much i realize i need to get out of this box…i can’t.

or to be quite honest, i wont.

over the past few years, i have encountered a handful of people whom i’ve instantly connected with. most of which live at safe distances, so climbing out of the box was never necessary…it’s easy to control what i write in an email, or say on a phone call, or over the occassional meal when passing through.

however, some of the people in those relationships had life-changes, and they moved to where i lived. as an example, a couple of years ago, two good friends who lived in california moved to kansas city. within the first couple of weeks of seeing them on almost a daily basis (as compared to once or twice a year), the anxiety of “i can’t pretend to be who i’m not when i’m around you…” set in. instead of dealing with it, in hindsight, i admit i started slowly withdrawing from interacting with them as much.

if i wasn’t around them, then they couldn’t see the big ugly box i lived in.

as fate would have it, chris and i moved to texas. so it was easy to continue to withdraw from them. but the cycle continues with my old friends here (i spent 1996-2001 in dallas)…as well as with new ones. as soon as someone reaches this certain “intimacy” point with me…i begin the process of withdrawing, creeping back into my box.

i really don’t like this box. but in the same way i am desperate to break out of it, i’m desperate to stay in it.

i know i’m safe in here.

(and i know that safety isn’t what’s important).