FlowerDust.net

sorry for the absence of my website. the host i use, which is normally insanely reliable, had a few glitches. so, i wanted to let everyone know i am okay.

i still need to catch up on yesterday’s post, “ask me anything” - so if you wanted to ask but couldn’t get on because of the downtime, please feel free to ask away!

so, i am hitting a creative block at the moment and thought i would take this time to see if there are any questions you, the flowerdust faithful, have for me…anything you’ve ever wanted to know? i will answer in the comments section. nothing’s off limit! so, ask!

also, if you are an RSS fan, i have changed the look of my blog, so click over and hit refresh to see the latest. i also added a new feature on my sidebar, “anne’s current thought.”

enjoy!

in the year 1999, i gave up a home phone line. only cell phones for me. when chris and i moved, the only internet available was DSL, so we had to get a phone line. we got all the blocks on it for sales calls, but yet we haven’t given the number to anyone. and about once every two days, the phone rings.

it has to be a sales call.

a smile slowly creeps up on my face. why do i get so much enjoyment out of sales calls?

because i answer them in espanol.

my mom was a missionary in venezuela and has been teaching children of mexican immigrants how to speak english for the last 15 years. i’m not uber-fluent in spanish, but i can sure hold a conversation with a sales person.

bueno?

ha.

Words cannot describe the way Chris and I have been blessed and loved over the last week. And to keep such blessings and evidence of God’s sovereignty and miracles would be nothing short of wrong. So please, rejoice with us…

Our car broke down a couple weeks ago. Two weeks before that, we had just emptied our savings account on a trip to Kansas City to support some friends who were going through a rough time. A week after that, we moved, and that drained what little money we had left.

Blessing #1 came through a friend and coworker who offered to fly us up to KC in his plane on his own time. We wouldn’t have been able to make it up without him.

So…back to the car…needing to come up with a nice chunk of money we simply did not have…the situation looked hopeless. Dropping my pride, I emailed a bunch of people asking for prayer.

Blessing #2 came when 70 flipping people replied saying they are praying over our situation….WOW. Most of whom, I will note, we don’t even know.

Blessing #3 came within moments after sending that email, a sweet sister sent us part of her bonus to help us pay for it.

Blessing #4 came at various points during the week in my mailbox…a freelance payment here, and there, and a refund from our last apartment….they all added up.

Blessing #5 came today when I was on the phone with the service guy. He knew we both worked at a church and gave us a 10% discount which ended up saving us about $60.

Blessing #6 came a little later today when someone I don’t even know, who I’ve never met or had a soy peppermint mocha with (that’s kind of an inside joke I hope he will appreciate) sent us the rest of the money. To the dime, we have been provided for without a strain on our budget.

And that is just ONE situation…on top of that, last week I feel as if some significant conversations with new friends (again, who I’ve never met!) have taken place, and have been God-ordained and blessed…for His glory, and for His church.

I know I usually don’t get so churchy-sounding on my blog, but I had to share the amazing things God has done…Thank you all for praying and sharing and encouarging us through the last couple of weeks.

The note in the last gift said this: They will know we are Christians by our love for one another.

Thank you for loving…

Psalm 9:1
I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart;
I will tell of all your wonders.

chris and i just started watching LOST this weekend. we just finished disc season 1, disc 2. man, do we have some catching up to do…

there are a couple “categories” i haven’t addressed here in a while, and some of you have emailed or myspace-messaged me asking questions, so i thought i’d put it out for all to see….

1) fat ragamuffin. my goal weight was between 140-145 (i’m 5′6″…almost) and i have stayed in that range for the last two months. i’ve been putting on some size 8’s again, which i haven’t done in four years. it feels good. i just need to tone up, and stay away from my mom’s brownies tomorrow.

2) depression. last i wrote, i dropped the wellbutrin which turned me into crazy lady, and was on paxil one single day until i quit. i’m not on any anti-depressants, but i still have some bouts with anxiety which are usually helped by upping my sleeping medicine (it’s really an anti-seizure medicine (20mg), but used in really low doses for insomnia (1mg) and anxiety (4mg)). when i get a little edgier, i just take 1.5mg and it seems to help balance me out. i’ve been feeling pretty good lately.

i don’t plan on being on medicine forever, but until i can heal from some things in my past (which i see a therapist for), it is aiding me in becoming a little more centered. i’ve had a few breakthroughs in my marriage and other areas and that has been INCREDIBLE. exercise (although i haven’t officially worked out in three weeks) has been another big help in this area, i’m sure of it.

so there are some updates on the not so pretty things. it’s easy to write about the good things or the questions, but hey, we’ve all got our warts.

This weekend is going to be long, and dare I say, relaxing? All I plan on doing is reading a few books and a tackling a little bit of freelance. Friday I was only in the office long enough to check my email. Today, I have no plans; tomorrow, no plans; and Monday, my family is coming over for a little memorial day cookout and to experience Chris’ and my new digs (we moved a couple weeks ago).

I have 3.20 books I plan on completing this weekend. Have you read any of them?

1) Finish “Being the Body” by Chuck Colson. I have about 80 pages left.

2) “Confessions of a Pastor” by LifeChurch.tv Pastor Craig Groeschel. This book landed on my desk yesterday, courtesy of Terry Storch. [edit: done.]

3) The Organic God by Margaret Feinberg. This book also landed on my desk yesterday, courtesy of my boss, Bill. She has spoken at some conferences he helps organize, and I get the privledge of meeting her in the fall.

4) I Sold My Soul on eBay by Hemant Mehta. You can meet Hemant at FriendlyAtheist.com, but after skimming this book, Chris’ impression of it (and his actually conversing with Hemant some), I am really looking forward to reading an intelligent and respectful view from an atheist on the American Church.

So, those are my plans…How are you spending your Memorial Day weekend?

You probably don’t know this man. His name is Clark Adams. Who is Clark Adams? Allow me to quote a blog I found which described him quite well.

Clark was a long-time board member of the Internet Infidels (and for many years its public relations director) and a frequent speaker and attendee at atheist, freethought, humanist, and skeptical events. He was a jovial, funny man whose talks about atheism in popular culture were always crowd-pleasers. He was not particular about what label to put on his nonbelief, and was supportive of all groups that promoted rationality and critical thinking, including the “brights”–though he did not care for what he called “religion without the god stuff.”

I found out yesterday afternoon via my feed to FriendlyAthiest.com that Clark had committed suicide.

Something mentioned amongst the condolences on the post caught my attention, and saddened me. Someone named Holly wrote (emphasis mine):

I noticed some posts about clinical depression on that board and realize that clinical depression can and sometimes does lead to suicide, but what people seem to be overlooking is how prejudice against non believers can cause distress to people who do not believe in God. I don’t think many people realize how distressing this can be. Non-believers are a stigmatized group and I remember Clark mentioned experiencing this stigma personally. Thus, I think it’s important to look at broader societal attitudes and behaviors toward non-believers rather than just trying to get inside of Clark’s head and diagnose him with a psychological illness. Even if Clark experienced clinical depression, I’d be shocked if the prejudice toward non believers didn’t play a major role in his depression.

I have to admit. Holed up here in my little office perched on the third floor of one of America’s biggest churches, this isn’t something that crosses my mind very often. It’s easy to think that as the church, we are making such a difference in the world and no doubt, we are, and almost daily I hear of or read about something positive that churches are doing in the lives of people or in their communities.

But let’s not play dumb here. Holly has a very valid point. Aside from the extreme “turn or burn” preachers in our day, we “modern, contemporary” Christians probably do an equal part of stigmatizing those of different (or no) faiths. The “unchurched”…the “lost souls we must save!!”…I have far too often encountered the almost immediate and disapproving looks and attitude that so many of us habitually carry around when discussing someone who is a “wayward child” or “bless his heart, he’s just so lost.”

I am ashamed that I have not made it a bigger priority in my own life to be more sensitive and less prideful in my faith. And as the title of this post says, I pray for mercy and forgiveness because we know not what we do.

The only thing is…we should.

We should know. And we should love.

“Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one.” - Quote by Stella Adler

[HT: Randy Elrod]

about every three to four months, i run solid. 110%. i am an unstoppable force. and do not dare stand in my way. my husband, close friends, and newest officemate andrew can attest solidly to that portrait. i think i need to be the heroine that saves all…

and at the end of those three to four months, i crash. i hit a wall. hard. physically, i can’t sleep, eat, my heart starts doing these weird fluttering beats and the thought of even moving the clothes from the washer to the dryer is overwhelming.

i hit that wall over this past weekend. working carefully and diligently on a side project, i convinced myself my work was too important to let something physical hinder my ability to tackle the task at hand. which only threw me harder and harder into the wall.

[if one were to visualize this, one must also visualize the outline of a 5'6" medium framed female impressed into such a wall.]

i arrived at work tense monday, fluttery and wanting to hide under my desk. noting something off-kilter, our lovely department admin michele comes in with some encouraging words:

go home.

that is all it took. i finished a few things and went home at 10 am. chris, who assisted me (as we are down to one working car), on his way back to work took my laptop.

he took my heroin.

i was forced to rest. he made me solemnly vow not to do anything (because i really wanted to vaccuum) until at the earliest 4 pm.

and i did.

and i hated it.

it is so difficult for me to relax (sans medication). anyone else have this problem?

there are several conferences going on this weekend for those of us who seem to live, eat and breathe church and leadership and creative stuff. i personally have sworn off conferences for the time being as i need to refocus where and how i get my information. but i was reading about some of the sessions at the daybreak conference (which i attended in 05) over at tim steven’s blog. pretty typical leadership conference bullet points, but this one kind of gave me that “alarmed” feeling in my spirit.

i realize i am not there, and quite possibly some of you are, so maybe the reason i am misunderstanding this statement is because it’s a bullet point taken out of context. if that is the case and someone can explain this further to me, please do.

but alone, i kind of find the content disturbing. tim noted:

This morning at the Creative Infusion Conference at Daybreak, I enjoyed a breakout session on Creative Leadership by Terry Woychowski, and executive with General Motors. Some notable quotes…

* The single most important element in your ministry is leadership. More important than worship, discipleship or missions. Because without good leadership–you can’t do any of that.

you can read the rest of the list here

i left a comment on his blog and said:

Some good stuff on leadership, but my heart kind of screeches and shoots up a thousand red flags on #1.

Maybe I am just being overly concerned with semantics but somehow I think obidience to and communion with Christ should replace the word “leadership” there.

That is why so many pastors get themselves in trouble…leadership becomes their God.

[[steps of soapbox]]

what do you think? taking this at face value, do you agree or disagree with this statement? i lovingly encourage any thoughts and opinions. i know very well that maybe i just don’t get it…but it sounds really off-base to me.

[[edit: as a result of a comment questioning the faith of Dr. Woychowski, his bio from the conference website reads:

Dr. Woychowski has been active in civic and volunteer work. He developed and led the efforts of his community’s involvement in setting up refugee camps in Albania and Kosovo during the conflict in the Balkans, making three trips to the region during that crisis. He has served his community as a paramedic and is the lead elder at his church.

well?

i never go anywhere without even a little make up on. never. ever. after moving this weekend, i just didn’t care and went three whole days without make up. that included my saturday night journey to my office so i could work on a little freelance given our internet at home wasn’t connected yet. and inspired by mary demuth’s “morning face” challenge, i kind of modified it and now challenge you.

below is me. with make up, and without. with doing my hair, and without.

here i am. nothing to cover up anything. nothng to make my eyes look bigger or my cheekbones higher or my skin not as pasty as it really is.

[am i really putting this online?]

yes. i am. we always make sure we put our most hip or creative or artist or professional photos on our blogs so that others whom we will never meet can form some kind of impression of us.

today, i remove that barrier between you and me. here it is. here i am. and i challenge you to do the same.

have you ever just had one of those seasons in your life where your spirit has a great expectancy of what god is doing in and around you? last week started that season for me. at least in my own eyes. i’m sure, no, i know god has been starting it for years. the more and more i look back, the more and more i can see how this step lead to this place, and this turned into this, and saying “yes” here meant this, which lead to this…

it creates a stirring energy inside me. an eagerness i haven’t had for a long, long time.

i have no idea what in the world is going on, or what all of my current circumstances, feelings, thoughts, hopes, and dreams will lead to, or when, or even why (except the obvious reason of all glory to thee)…even though i’m not physically going anywhere, i know spiritually and mentally i have jumped on a crazy ride.

and i really covet your prayers. for discernment. creativity. inspiration. pure-heartedness. meekness. compassion. hope. faith. courage.

you, although most of you i have never met - are a giant part of my life, my community, of showing god’s grace, passion, and love.

will you join alongside me by praying for me specifically those things daily over the next month? (and i won’t stop you there, feel free to go longer).

i would really appreciate it.

H R Niebuhr suggests the following contrasts between movements and institutions with regard to the church.

INSTITUTION
Conservative
Passive and yielding to external influences
Looks to the past
Anxious
Guards boundaries

MOVEMENT
Progressive
Active, influencing rather than influenced
Looks to the future
Risk-taking
Crosses boundaries

what do you think?

HT: My English-turned-Scottish friend, Geoffrey

this morning, i get an email. it reads:

Ms. Jackson,

I was wondering if you would be interested in having a butler and driver. I can also go-fer and handle administrative matters. If interested please drop me a note.

Thank you,

John

i laugh. a lot. i wonder if movies like 13 going on 30 happen in real life, that really i have become some famously wealthy person and someone actually wants to be my butler, driver, and assistant. i reply:

John,
I would totally love to have your assistance, however, I can barely afford to keep my cats fed and keep my car payments made on time…if
I ever hit the jackpot though, you will be the first person I call.

so, i continue laughing for about half an hour as i unpack. then i think, “wait…maybe i am suddenly rich and famous…” i seriously opened my front door and waited for the camera lights to flash and microphones to be shoved in my just-woke-up-and-have-been-moving-for-three-days face.

i was met by the quietness of an early sunday morning.

John writes me back and realizes that i am not the actress anne jackson, best known for her part in the movie the shining.

bummer.

chris & i are moving this weekend to live a little closer to the church. our phone & internet were supposed to be turned on thursday and we didn’t have time to check it until today. nothing. nada. but fortunately, at&t does service calls at 8 am sunday morning. although i am going to hate waking up early, i want me some internet.

needless to say, i write this from my office. i had to finish a freelance project tonight and it was just going to be easier to do it from the confines of my dimly lit office. sans whiny cats. sans stacks of boxes. sans stress.

the thing with my office, and all the offices on the third floor, is that they are freezing. when we first moved up, it would hover around 58-62 degrees. even now it’s still around 67. i plugged in my space heater and put it on my desk to have a more intense effect on defeating my goosebumps. it is now 75. and i am happy.

what does it for you? hot or cold?

have you ever just looked at something, no matter how silly it is, and been given a revelation? i have been organizing files on my computer, as well as working on a design project called “getting to know jesus.” that project folder, named “jesus” is on my desktop, as well as my own folder which i emptied in order to organize its contents.

i saw this today, and it made me think…”when i am empty, jesus has plenty to give.”

corny but true, aye?

yes, i am a graphic designer…but i have a challenge out there to those of you who dabble in the arts. if you are interested in mocking up a book cover for a top secret but very valid book project, please use the contact me link on the right or email me here for the details.

hush hush.

one of my favorite bands for a long time has been the band ours. frontman jimmy gnecco’s voice is as close to perfection as one can get on earth. he is certainly influenced by jeff buckley, but far more poetic and spiritual (although i am not sure of his specific beliefs).

chris and i saw them on valentine’s day at the curtain club in dallas. i documented it obscurely here. ours is returning to dallas on may 24 at the house of blues and i will be there.

there is something in his voice, his words, his mood, his stage presence and his passion that allows me to shut off the surrounding word and somehow it all meshes together in my heart and i am able to converse with god so freely through whatever it is that i am feeling inside. each of his songs somehow defines a point in my life - past, present, or future - and somehow my soul just is able to breathe through it all.

probably the most influential song in my present time is this song called “i heard you singing.” you can actually download a free legal copy (and i suggest you download as many songs as you can).

here are the lyrics to “i heard you singing:”

I Heard You Singing
Jimmy Gnecco
Unreleased

Stop thinking it’s ok
Things are gonna change
You can’t go on like this again
You can’t avoid the day
You’re the star that blasts away

I heard you singing
Heard you sing, you sang to us
You sang Hallelujah
How we’d lose ourselves, ourselves

Stop drinking it’s a waste
Things have lost their taste
The light that circled ’round you face
Has gone and now replaced with a darker tone again

I heard you singing
Heard you sing, you sang to us
You sang Hallelujah
How we’d lose ourselves, ourselves

Are we better on our own?
Are we better on our own?

Was I good?
Was I brave?
Did I throw it all away?
There’s a light in the crack
He’s never coming back
I got lost in the wind
And I messed up everything

Till I heard you singing
I heard you sing, you sang to us
You sang Hallelujah
How’d we lose ourselves??, ourselves?

I heard you singing
I heard you sing, you sang

anything sparking your soul lately? music? a book? something you’ve seen?

My wonderful husband turns 26 today. The only guy younger than me I ever dated and I end up marrying him. Although his presence online is a quiet one, his presence in my life and support he gives as I process all of these things you read is more than words can describe.

have you ever played the fortune cookie game where you pull out the little piece of paper, read it aloud to your fellow diners, and add the phrase “in bed” to whatever it is the fortune says?

For example…“You will have great success in your journey…in bed.” Or…“Don’t give up! Follow your dreams…in bed.”

Sophomoric, I know, but it can be pretty fun.

During our trip to Kansas City, we got to spend some time with our friend Justin. Justin has spent the last 11 years leading worship at a few churches here in Kansas and in California. We talked about how when we do certain things in the church, we tend to add something similar to whatever it is we do.

The phrase being “but it’s for God.”

For example…“Yes, I spent 70 hours this week at the church getting ready for service. It was a sacrifice alright…but it’s for God.” Or…”This new building sure did cost a lot of money, and most of it we still don’t have…but it’s for God.”

The word “but” is a word that justifies. It negates the preceding statement. The dictionary describes it as “But…[is a word] implying opposition (with a possible concession). But marks an opposition or contrast, in a casual way.”

What do you think? Overanalytical semantics? Or when we say things like this, are we subconsciously trying to justify something that is either opposing or not confirmed as God’s plan (but, in a casual way, of course)?

so, bad weather has finally come to a head here in kansas. wes was supposed to fly us home today but it has been storming since sometime early this morning. we’ve had about two inches of rain where we are staying, and on our way to meet a friend for coffee early this morning, it was raining so hard you couldn’t see in front of you. i honestly don’t think i have ever seen it rain so hard!

since wes didn’t think he’d be able to get up here until possibly wednesday, we booked two tickets on southwest for monday evening. it wasn’t the best fare in the world, but honestly for a last minute flight, i can’t complain. and they can fly high above all these silly storms!

our time here has been a mix of many different emotions for many different reasons. from grieving with our friends who have lost some things very dear to them to having a blast with our old friends…you can see some more pictures of our trip & our friends here.

we are in kansas city…we left around 7:30 am from the rockwall airport, i popped a klonopin and dozed off most of the flight. it got a little bumpy and we had to change which airport we landed at, but we are safe and sound. here are some photos from our trip so far!

GO MAVS!!!!

chris and are leaving this thursday to go to kansas city to hang out with some old friends and family and former coworkers from westside family church. we have been hoping and praying that our friend and lake pointe’s media pastor, wes hartley, would be able to fly us up in his plane so we could avoid airline travel as well as avoid the dreaded 9 hour drive.

it looks like the weather will be rainy, but okay to fly in on thursday and sunday. i ask that you pray for the weather to be great flying weather, and for safety for all of us as we travel to and fro.

the cool thing is, you can actually SEE where we are when we’re flying. on thursday or sunday, just go to flightaware.com and where it says “Flight/Tail#” enter in “N7379K” and it will pull up a radar of his current flight (if we are flying) or a log of his last flight. pretty sweet huh?

anyway, we are so thankful for wes and his generosity to take time out of his busy schedule to help a couple of kids out.

and if you live in kansas city and can pick us up from (probably) the airport in lee’s summit to take us to get our rental car on thursday (not sure what time yet…maybe lunch time or a little after??), we will be thankful for you too. (hint, hint)…we’ll buy you a starbucks or something!

to see our most recent flying adventure with wes in a quick little video, you can click here. there are some cool downtown fort worth & downtown dallas skyline shots.