FlowerDust.net

(ht: friendly atheist)

Ok, so by now you’re probably sick of this whole Mad Church thing…sorry. As my husband and dear friend Andrew will tell you, it has been consuming every waking moment I have to get this site up and running correctly by July 2! They have been most tolerant of me and my “excuse me, I have take this call/email/whatever from my ‘database guy’” escapes from our outing tonight.

Anyway, this weekend I have about 50 people testing the three surveys and they are all really complicated surveys as far as database stuff is concerned. A few prayer requests…

-Please pray we can work through the errors we get and that this will be ready to go with no problems on Monday! Some are going through great but for some reason, others aren’t.

-My database guy is working tirelessly on this so he needs your prayers too. It keeps storming here so that has also been affecting connectivity.

-Please pray for the healing that will come from this book and for those who will take the surveys.

Other than that, I appreciate your feedback and support! I am going to take a blogging break this weekend to rest and organize some things. I hope you all have a lovely weekend and I know your prayers will cover and protect this project!

alright, so a few times in the last week, i mentioned i am working on a little project and was planning on telling you about it on friday. well, i can’t wait to tell you anymore!

there is one condition - and that is that YOU must keep it a secret (via means of blogging and email) until July 2, and then that is where i’ll need your help.

deal? … okay.

i am writing a book. not “oh, i want to write a book” but in the sense that things are already written, interviews are being scheduled and conducted with people, some art direction is complete, i am in some very early discussions with a couple of publishers, and there’s even a website that will be launching on july 2.

the book is (currently) titled mad church disease, and discusses the ministry burnout epidemic that is killing church staff, volunteers and their families left and right.

(why is it called mad church disease? read here.)

it will also have insights from pastors (and not just “famous” ones), but volunteers, families, and stories of redemption and healing. THIS EPIDEMIC HAS TO BE STOPPED!

as i mentioned earlier, the website will be publicly launched july 2. but what i am really looking forward to, and WHAT I NEED YOUR HELP WITH is this…

a big part of the book is research. there have not been any comprehensive, indepth studies that take the temperature of “ministry burnout” for all three groups: church staff, families/spouses of church staff, and volunteers.

on the mad church disease website, these three surveys will go live and it is my goal to get 5000 respondants to the surveys.

(you can read more about the surveys here.)

what god brought to my attention the other night (here) about getting the “right people” to help drive people to the survey site on july 2 was that although there may be some made up “A LIST” of bloggers and leaders - how BLIND i was for not telling you guys about this project.

why would a pastor of some top 100 listed “well known” church who doesn’t know me get involved (and why should i care if he doesn’t care?) when right in front of me i have YOU…you who have prayed for me, laughed with me, challenged me, encouarged me? YOU are MY “A LIST” people. so i apologize to you for being blinded by my own desires!

this is the deal. i am asking anyone that would like to fight mad church disease, to sign up as what i call a “trailblazer” - pretty much these trailblazers are people who are committing to blitzing their universe (by posting a link to the site/survey on their blog on july 2, emailing their friends, etc.).

to read more about becoming a trailblazer, you can go here to this link and if you want to, sign up.

on sunday, i will send everyone who’s signed up some graphics, text, and links to use (as much or as little of) so you can help direct people to take the surveys. it would me SO much to me if I had your help!

i know that’s a lot of information, and i do ask you wait until monday, july 2 to post anything or write anything but if you have questions or comments, i’d love to discuss them with you so feel free to comment below on this post.

and for your quick reference:

Book Site

Trailblazer Page (it’s hidden)

phew! now that it’s off my chest, i really look forward to your feedback.

today, chris and i celebrate our fourth anniversary. june 27, 2003 we were married at 6:30 pm and spent the following days in a huge cabin in green mountain falls, colorado playing xbox, watching harry potter, and white water rafting. and duh, other stuff too…

i still get picked on by some of our friends on my OCD wedding planning - color coded schedules for everyone involved, timed out to the half minute. no joking. but i knew things wouldn’t go perfectly, and they didn’t…

-i felt a little athletic during the rehearsal and jumped down all the stairs at the front of the church and sprained my ankle. walking in 4″ heels the next day was not fun.

-i refused to start the wedding until my friends from oklahoma arrived. so we started probably closer to 7 pm.

-we accidentally blew out our unity candle. so while we were supposed to be praying, we were doing our best not to bust out laughing. our pastor kindly relit it.

-the wrong song was played as our recessional song. ironically, the wrong song was also played the night before. however, the rehearsal song talked about drinking and getting lit up. the one played at the wedding was at least a love song (both were frank sinatra.) the correct song, was “here goes” by frank.

-on the way to colorado, we almost got sucked up in a tornado and had to take shelter in the back of a random gas station somewhere in west kansas.

love is not perfect. marriage is not perfect. these four years have been anything but perfect. but i wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world.

i am learning how fickle i am. how easy it is to sing praise and rejoice when an email filled with good news arrives; and then how only hours later, with the news of a road block, my heart crumbles and i allow all the joy to be replaced with despair.

like getting an oil change; only backwards. i drain out all the clean oil, the oil that makes my engine run smoothly - with dirty oil, which will only clog all those moving parts and cause them to freeze up.

some people take things as they come and can keep a great attitude about them. i can…but it is really hard for me to do that. each time one of these obstacles leaps in my path, i choose to pour in some more dirty oil.

god, give me the faith to understand the trials which face me now, and will continue to come…and help me keep my eyes focused on you, your blessings…and to consider it pure joy.

some of my favorite people over at lifechurch.tv announced an amazing thing today!

one of the greatest things i love about lifechurch.tv is their vision for the global church, not only the local church. they see far beyond the walls of their campuses and out into the borderless world wide web, already with things like their internet campus (which i’ve attended three out of the last five weeks) and their island in second life.

well, their latest endeavour is called YouVersion.com. briefly…

YouVersion is a revolutionary online Bible that enables community and collaboration like never before. Choose from various translations and read Scripture in a fresh, new way. Take personal study notes, and discover and contribute audio, video, text and images. With YouVersion, you will find communities of people exploring and interacting with God’s Word.

You can read more about YouVersion on Bobby’s post today on the Swerve blog.

usually, I am really cynical when churches try “new” stuff - because 9 times out of 10, it isn’t new- it’s just rebranded or redesigned. YouVersion is completely revolutionary and I can’t wait until the full site launches!

every once in a while, i check my stats to see what people are searching for and how they end up on flowerdust.net. my husband and i sorted through all the recent key phrases, we decided these were our ten favorite searches.

-levitation pills
-disposing of cremated remains
-taboo story about a hesitant aunt
-i got rid of my bleeding ulcer myself
-anne jackson cakes
-porn cake toppers
-athletic butt
-how to take all the crap out of heroin
-flickr women hairy armpits
-anne jackson dead or alive

WOW. that is some interesting searching. and just in case you’re wondering…i’m alive. thanks for checking.

five days away from my normal routine, meeting a bunch of really cool people, and having a lot of alone time has inspired me to do one thing.

simplify.

chris always says i need to slow down, but i never agree with him. removing myself from my normal activities for a few days really does show me how much i have overcomplicated my time.

i have a full time job, and at current time, i am working on four websites with two on hold. i am screening 1-2 films a week for movie reviews. i am consulting with four churches on some level in regard to communication or identity. i have three books which zondervan has asked me to read and review, as well as interview the authors within the next few weeks. i have another three books i just want to read. on top of this, i am working on the project i mentioned below, which as faithful flowerdust readers, i have decided to come clean on this friday…so you all will know before the rest of the world. oh, and then there’s being a wife. doing laundry. and sleeping.

listed out, my stomach tightens up a little bit (or perhaps my nachos from taco cabana aren’t sitting well?), but more than likely, it is proof-positive that my husband is correct. i don’t know how to say no.

all of this i have decided, has got to change. the biggest part of this change will come by saying no to some current and potential clients. by saying no to opportunities which distract me from my passion (writing). what’s difficult for me in all of this is i hate letting people down; disappointing them. and i know that i am going to have some very hard conversations this week. i am going to have to start budgeting our finances without the extra freelance coming in. i am really going to have to manage my free time more effectively.

have you ever gone through a season of simplification? what worked for you? what didn’t? i’m not quite sure how to go about doing this, so i really would cherish your thoughts.

for the last three days, i’ve been trying to find words to confess to you that i, anne jackson, am a sell out.

naturally an introvert (although as of late, i’m beginning to question that) and easily embarrassed, i’m usually the last one who would volunteer to speak up in a room or have attention drawn to me. i turn bright red on many occasions, so it would seem logical that i am a behind the scenes, don’t need any kind of recognition kind of girl.

i tell you the truth my friends. that is a complete lie.

although i’m not the life-of-the-party type, i am very passive-aggressive and strategic about popularity. a small but ongoing example is the reason behind why i don’t have a blogroll. it became to be a popularity contest and people would be upset to not be on it. yet when i’m not on someone’s, i get upset about it.

most recently, i’ve been working on a project (which some of you may know about already and for those of you who don’t, keep watching for a big announcement on july 2). anyway, i’ve been trying to keep it kind of under wraps on a public scale, but privately have been working behind the scenes to make sure the “right” people know about it so they can use their “influence” to help promote it.

now, some of these connections that have been made have been great, and i have no doubt that some relationships have either been established or strengthened because of god’s timing and his plan. however, initially i was honestly a little pissed that some of these “influential” people haven’t responded in a way that i expected.

then i asked myself, why am i upset about this? i prayed about it and yesterday morning in the silence of my hotel room i realized that IT DOESN’T FREAKING MATTER.

yes, the business world is the business world and it is “all about who you know,” and by no means am i lessening the help, advice, and encouragement that some people have given me over the course of the last month.

i realized i have absolutely NO control over this project - that it is COMPLETELY in god’s hands, and i discovered how my own intentions of getting the “right” people “on my side” in order to help me further this is a completely man-made and futile effort, not to mention selfish and inconsiderate of them. i doubt any of these people even read my blog, but if by chance any of you do, i am sorry for wanting to use you to get ahead.

and to those of you who do read my blog, i am sorry for being a hyprocrite. for not living what i preach. it was a big realization yesterday for me, and it actually makes me sick to discover how in my most hidden places, i do exactly those things i despise.

always in progress…thanks for baring with me.

i had lunch with a very good friend today and over the biggest chicken taco salad (ever, really), we discussed different aspects of our history with various churches and the search for community.

during our talk, we compared some notes: we both have been in “forced” small groups, we both have had trust broken in extremely close relationships (who hasn’t?), but mainly we both wondered whether it was our own hang ups that stop us from getting in really authentic relationships, or if it was the way most churches today have small groups or fellowships structured, or perhaps a combination of the two?

on the drive back, we went a little farther with the thoughts of true, raw relationships. we wondered if each one of us is part of a tribe. you know when you have that very rare connection with someone; it’s like you’ve known them for years. sometimes they live near you geographically, and sometimes they don’t. our train of questioning even went down to wondering if we should search for our tribe - like a lost soldier separated from his battalion, he tries desperately to locate them. he is a part of something - something beyond himself - intertwined with others…others he MUST rely on, who rely on him…for life.

i realize the “christian walk” isn’t all about finding happiness and an easy road to easy relationships. that isn’t the focus here, but, i do believe personally, i am finally realizing that i do need a tribe…and somewhere out there, a tribe is needing me.

i guess i’m just not sure what that looks like.

your thoughts?

father, forgive me - it has been since yesterday’s rush hour since my last confession.

today, the vatican issued an unusual document - the “ten commandements of driving”

from CNN.com

An unusual document from the Vatican’s office for migrants and itinerant people also warned that automobiles can be “an occasion of sin” — particularly when they are used for dangerous passing or for prostitution.

It warned about the effects of road rage, saying driving can bring out “primitive” behavior in motorists, including “impoliteness, rude gestures, cursing, blasphemy, loss of sense of responsibility or deliberate infringement of the highway code.”

The “Drivers’ Ten Commandments,” as listed by the document, are:

1. You shall not kill.

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.

6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.

7. Support the families of accident victims.

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.

10. Feel responsible toward others.

the pope has obviously not driven in dallas. to live up to these standards would prove impossible!

insomnia has been a dear acquaintance (unwelcomed, mostly) for the last four years. i’ve finally found some medicine which actually helps me sleep…usually.

this morning at about 3:58, i’m awakened by our wonderful, adorable, fuzzy cats playing with one of my (formerly) beaded (now the beads are scattered all over our bathroom) bracelets. i take care of the mess, and try to go back to bed.

current time: 4:00 am.

about half an hour later, after unsuccessfully attempting to find the place where my dreams await, i feel something tickling my shoulder and my neck. at first, it think it’s probably a pulled thread from our comforter.

until it starts crawling.

without thinking, i reach back and crunch whatever it is in my right hand. i tell chris, who has already been awake now for a good 5 minutes, that i’m turning on my lamp, even though i really don’t want to see what was violating me so early in the morning.

yes. a spider. probably not a brown recluse like the one shown in exhibit a above, but it was the only brown spider google images would provide me.

not willing to touch it (as i am terrified of spiders), chris gets a kleenex and throws it away.

so here at 5:13 am, i sit awake on our couch. my cats are asleep. my husband is asleep, but my pulse is averaging about 105 bpm.

maybe this morning i’ll exercise and get into work early.

we just have crickets at work.

no spiders.

no spiders.

no spiders.

(assumes rocking position with her arms wrapped around her legs and eyes wide open)…

have you ever wanted to get your butt kicked? chuck norris is the first person that came to mind when i thought about getting a can opened up on me.

no, i’m not a masochist. but there are some areas in my life (specifically today, fear and lack of faith) where i wish someone would just put me in a room, lock the door, and do whatever it takes in order to purge such things from my daily life.

one memorable butt kicking was when i was 19 and one month away from marrying the wrong guy. my best friend of seven years drove up to dallas from abilene, sat me down, and refused to be my maid of honor because she knew this guy wasn’t “the one.” several hours later, i had faced up to the fact she was right (even though i had known it all along, but was too afraid to call the wedding off). it still took a couple of weeks, but i did call off the relationship. but it literally took a butt kicking for me to allow the walls to fall and for me to do the right (and scary) thing.

the second major butt kicking i had was in 2005. in august, i was hospitalized for what they thought was appendicitis. i was in the hospital about 6 days and on serious painkillers the entire time. the hospital staff weren’t the brightest and didn’t help me wean off the meds, so i went into a minor withdrawal, and resorted to “ER hopping” to get weekly fixes of prescription painkillers; they practically hand them out like candy for any sort of ailment. anyway, chris caught on and one early october morning (2:30 am) physically restrained me from leaving to get more medicine. i enrolled in therapy and took a several week leave of absence from work in order for my body to go through the withdrawal process and become healthy again.

confession
the last couple of weeks, i guess with the down time of being sick and intentionally laying a little lower than normal has caused me to reflect on this area in my life. fear and anxiety have always haunted me since may 6, 2001 - the day i was in a crazy car accident. at times, the fear is debilitating and completely occupies my mind. i know this is hurting many of my relationships, and i totally let it control my life at times.

next week, i’ll be revisiting the site of my wreck (outside oklahoma city, photo below, thanks to this okc friend who snapped this for me last week.) This is the grassy area about 150 feet off the I-35 North where our SUV landed after spinning several times across the highway, and down a small hill. we landed in that fence.

i’ve felt god really nudging me to meet Him at this spot while i’m in OKC next week, and i wonder what will come out of our meeting.

so, i am praying for a good butt kicking. it may not be chuck norris (although, that would be rather humorous), but this fear crap is something i have GOT to get over.

if anyone out there feels like locking me in a room and yelling at me…drop me a note.

the other day someone asked me, “how come so many people comment on your blog?” then, someone else mentioned it to me again today.

i really can’t answer that because you guys are the ones commenting…

so, what about this little blog here inspires you to react, to comment?

i think i’d kind of like to know too! :)

It’s true. You know it.

[courtesy: nataliedee.com]

i’ve been officially blogging since early 2004, so, a good three and a half years. i’ve met people through this medium, probably at least ten or fifteen. most recently, i met our good friend los whittaker (ragamuffin soul) back in february when i was in california (afterward, incidentally i slept on another blogging friend’s couch [one who i met in 2005 during another trip to LA] before catching an early flight to LAX.)

last month, a new feed-friend of mine, portland’s own matt singley, was in the area for a conference. upon realizing our close proximity, he brought a group of about six or eight (i think we lost some on the way) down to lake pointe church where they graciously endured an hour and a half tour of our facilities.

matt and his team were such fun people…we hit it off right away. they felt comfortable making fun of me, and in return, i probably got a few jabs in edgewise.

matt is doing something really cool, and i had to spread the word. here’s a little bit from their website, 51weeks.org:

On June 18th, about 100 people from 5 churches will be traveling to Northern Mexico to build houses for the very poor. While there, we will camp in the desert and provide all of our own food…we will not have running water or electricity available to us. Heck, we’ll barely have portable bathrooms nearby!

During the day we will drive into the colonies that surround the South side of Tijuana and we will work throughout the week to build 11′ x 22′ homes. This year we should build a handful of homes plus a double-wide. It’s hard work as we do everything by hand, including mixing the concrete and pouring the foundation.

now, it is no surprise that many of you out there have shown your generosity in the past. FlowerDust.net readers helped chris and me raise close to $1000 for our trip to scotland last fall. you’ve given to broken down cars before. to friend’s trips to africa.

so, today when i learned that matt and these 100 incredible people still need to raise $5000 for their trip, posting this on here wasn’t a hesitation.

if you wanna help them out, i know they’d appreciate it. you can give online by going to 51weeks.org. and i won’t preach what i don’t practice, so…chris and i donated some spare change. whaddya say?

stuff like this is proof positive that “church” isn’t bound by walls or zip codes or demographics…that we are all one body…doing one good work together!

[sidenote: next week, i'll be meeting a couple other bloggers face to face for the first time...stay tuned!]

my friend sarah wrote something on her blog yesterday that really resonated in me. those who know me well, know my tendency to lean towards not only excellence, but perfectionism. this manifests itself in so many ways; holding unreachable expectations for myself, and also for others. at its ugliest, it becomes an obsessive quest in which i know there is not a realistic (or pretty) end.

she writes:

My perfectionism creates a demand for the unattainable…This perpetuates my self-hate and tendency to isolate - because if I can’t be perfect, no one will accept or love me, of course. Our society demands perfection. Everyone I encounter is “puttin’ on airs,” as my dad would say. (Southern for pretending to be something you’re not). Image is everything. I loathe my imperfection. I wish I was pious enough to embrace it as a reminder of the abundant Grace which covers my imperfection. But I can’t claim to be anything of the sort. Imperfection to me spells disaster. On the one hand, I do seek to be transparent in some areas. What an oxymoron. Partially transparent.

for both sarah and me, a lot of our habits now were formed when we were children by external circumstances. a few glowing moments in my own life:

1) i got busted in the first grade because i would throw away any schoolwork that was returned to me with less than a 97 on it. i was a straight-a student pretty much my whole academic life, but anything lower than 97 wasn’t good enough. my teacher finally found my 94’s, 90’s, and 96’s in the trash and had a conference with my mother.

2) until i was in the fourth grade, i sang. i was in school plays. i took lead roles. i was in a bluebell ice cream commercial. i was even in a children’s touring group called “the little texas singers” (we’d wear cowboy hats & red bandanas). my mom would always encourage me to rehearse hours a day. that wasn’t the problem - i loved it! however, simply offering some constructive criticism on my vocal rehearsal, “you’re a little flat there, honey”…i stopped. if i couldn’t be perfect, then what was the point?

these minor decisions and thought processes i adopted when i was young have formed a full-on issue now. i’ve posted about it a few times (demolition of things not mortar, the power of human need) but i wonder if these feelings are an addiction of some kind. a control issue? definitely a trust issue. lots of fear involved. fear of disappointing. fear of being a disappointment.

hmmm.

my husband is great in that regard. he’s not out to prove anything. and he’s a lot less stressed because of it. me? i’m out to prove it all…to the world, maybe. but to myself as well.

anyone else feel this pressure?

yin and yang. balance is essential. what makes me ditch your feed was so…yesterday.

today, a more positive spin: three reasons blogs end up in my google reader. but a confession? most new blogs go into a “just testing” folder…i am totally afraid of commitment.

anyway…on to the list!

3. you had me at hello. if i can skim over whatever is on the front page of your blog, read about you, and maybe even put a face with a name in under a minute, more than likely, i’ll spend a couple more minutes exploring. but those first few seconds are essential. what kind of vibe does your blog give off? i’m not saying you have to be a professional graphic designer or writer, but you know what its like to feel something and connect to it.

2. one of these things is not like the other. do you have conservative political views? are you an atheist? are you gay? have kids? it’s easy to find people who think like me, who write like me, or work at churches. i lived in a blogging bubble long enough. i love finding people who have nothing in common with me because i simply want to see what it’s like to live in somebody else’s shoes.

1. interact. again. i can’t stress how important this is. if i leave a comment or email you, will you respond? how do you treat other people who comment on your blog? how do you write about others — when you hat tip someone or disagree?

respectfully? often?

good.

have your say…what turns your RSS reader on?

being sick and homebound since wednesday evening has left me a lot of time to do nothing. i’ve actually been able to read most of the things that come up on my google reader, add a few feeds, as well as remove a few feeds. i’m not one to talk about the “dos and don’ts” of blogging, but since i have some free time, i thought i’d give you three reasons why i’d ditch your feed.

3. posting a lot of content frequently. posting frequently is one thing. posting a lengthy but well thought out blog is another. posting six novels a day is absurd. i wish i had time to read it, but i don’t. when i have 12 new feeds and 10 are yours and they’re 1000 words a piece, i can promise you i won’t read them.

2. the polar opposite of number 3. not posting. ten of my feeds haven’t posted content since may. three of those ten haven’t posted since january. sionara.

1. don’t interact. this is my biggest blogging pet peeve. to me, blogging is interactive. personally, i do my best to send a thank you email to new people who comment on my blog, to interact in the comments, or to write back to comments that are especially witty or interesting and thoughtful.

i’m not sure what it is, but some people give their blogs the appearance of a discussion format, and then don’t acknowledge or interact with any of the people who comment. if you don’t want to interact, turn off your comments. at least that way it’s somewhat apparent that discussion is not on the forefront of your mind when it comes to blogging.

not even acknowledging people who comment, or not answering people who ask specific questions is like walking by and ignoring someone who says hi to you on the street. it’s just rude.

what are reasons you say farewell to feeds? anything i could do better?

over the last few weeks, unbeknownst to me, i was developing an infection throughout my abdomen. pleasant sounding, isn’t it? before knowing of this illness, despite feeling a little sick to my stomach, my main concern was that chris and i would be surprised by our own little bundle of joy (not of the feline descent).

wednesday afternoon i was busy in my office when i felt like someone had stabbed me in the stomach. i doubled over in pain in my chair and tried to catch my breath. after the sharpness of the pain resolved, i informed my coworkers i’d be heading over to the doctor. after a CT scan to make sure it wasn’t my appendix (and also learning i was not pregnant…big sigh of relief!) they found some funky results on one of my other tests and given my symptoms, diagnosed me with a general infection that had taken over my lower abdomen.

so, i am still around. i’ve gotten a couple emails and IMs begging for an update but honestly i haven’t had much energy. the antibiotics are wiping me out and tearing apart my intestines. poor chris has been the dearest man, fetching me gatorade and movies and listening to my tantrums. i am not a fun girl to be around when i’m sick.

i have to be on these dumb pills (note the affection in my tone) for the next two weeks; which, by the way, contains one of the strangest instructions i have ever read: DO NOT LIE DOWN for 30 MINUTES after taking this pill.

seriously? what am i going to do? explode? levitate? that would be really cool i think (the levitating, not exploding)…if there are any doctors out there that could tell me why doxycycline will disrupt my very important nap schedule, i would really appreciate it.

so, sorry there has been a lack of blogging the past few days. whereas i am relieved we are not expecting any babies, i am enjoying the rest that me being a big baby is bringing.

much love…and i hope you all have a splendid weekend.

chris told me about this church sign that he saw while driving around yesterday. i begged him to snap me a photo today.

ummm……? i really don’t know what else to say about that.

Anyone, anyone?

describe:

trust is not a four-letter word.
[at least, that is what i keep reminding myself]

i think you know the place of which i speak.
the small area
[approximately the size of a quarter, i'd imagine]
which rests in the center of your chest:
between the cages of your ribs
beneath the muscles and tissues
of your heart and of your lungs

this is the place we feel trust
[or lack thereof]

at its most intense times
[when betrayal is fresh]
the pain and discomfort
radiate across our entire being

the tension in the neck
the pressure on your stomach
nauseated
[imagine the tire of a texas-sized truck
running over your torso
repeatedly; repeatedly]

arms folded
trying to protect the emotional;
the spiritual;
the mental;
using physical means
survival.

logical redemption?

with grace
and time
forgiveness chosen
the once overwhelming
sensation of suffocation
retreats back into
aforementioned quarter-sized area
and quietly refrains
from causing disturbances

emerging and unsuspecting

hibernation
by definition
conserves energy in
those frigid winter months

but once the warmth of the sun
touches the air
[touches my being]
instead of spring
the fear of feeling
those things that have been
felt before
[crushing me before]
[shredding me before]
emerge

questioning this new light
[or this one? or this one?]
is real; shining; radiating?

perhaps another fluorescent clone
which will project
a washing out of my skin
[grey
lifeless?]

i find myself
staying…

…buried

still afraid
and unable to find it.

[to find trust]

and as a poetic man
expressed similarly
i find truth in his art:

remember the words
of someone
someone I used to know
love everyone
but keep them
far from your soul.

i’ve never ridden in a limo.

you’ve never __________________?

i have slowly been making my way through the nearly 500 page chuck colson book, being the body. yesterday, while battling a bit of a stomach bug and at the same time enjoy the amazing thunderstorm which was ripping through dallas, i sat down with mr. colson’s big green book (and a fat orange cat) and dove back in.

the topic on this particular day was evangelism. my entire life, i have felt guilty for not being an evangelist. no, not your typical big haired, super-gunked eyelashes, put-me-on-tv-and-send-me-money kind of evangelist, but the one we are always taught to be in sunday school. the one who witnesses to her friends and shares the miraculous story of how she came to christ.

for one reason, i don’t have some amazing conversion story. i was five years old. finally old enough to sit quietly in a church service with my mom and dad. they had an easter play on sunday, and i had questions. my dad led me to accept christ later that night (and tape recorded it secretly: something i’ll always treasure).

the second reason is that i’m fairly introverted. especially around people with whom i’m not familiar. when i worked in student ministry, we did a beach evangelism trip. the sole purpose was to go out on beaches and witness to those we encountered. some of the high schoolers were great at it. honestly, i was a big fat chicken and spent most of my time chasing them down or encouraging them (oh, okay, really i spent most of the time sitting on the beach reading, okay? there, i said it.)

but i still felt so guilty that i just couldn’t go out and witness.

colson brings out an interesting point in his book; one that had never crossed my mind. whereas some people are given the spiritual gift of evangelism to witness (ephesians 4:11), regardless of your spiritual gifting, we are all called to be witnesses (acts 1:8).

notice the verb changes? one is to witness. one is to be a witness.

i am no bible scholar, and at best, i will define this exposition as simple theology, so please forgive any errors. however, i think it is important to note these differences as the line between witnessing and being a witness has seemingly been very cloudy, at least to me.

the call for all belivers to be a witness is compelling. and how do we become witnesses? by loving. accepting. obeying. you may not be shouting from the rooftops or the street corners, but sometimes the adage silence speaks louder than words is true. as saint francis of assisi so directly stated, “preach the gospel at all times — if necessary, use words.”

seven years ago this week, my friend matthew died on his 31st birthday. i was about to head to bed the night before, but saw him come online on my instant messenger and told him happy birthday. he said he had bought a new bike and if i ever made it up to tulsa (he came to dallas a lot), we’d have to go riding.

the next day, after a late night work meeting, i came home to an answering machine full of messages from our mutual friends. evidently matt had gone for a ride on his new bike and his heart stopped. they were unable to revive him. and he passed away.

i remember standing in center my living room alone. it felt like the world had come to a standstill. all of my surroundings became sucked away like i was in a black hole.

what was crazy about this was there were so many things about matt nobody knew until after he died. the places and how frequently he volunteered. the tattoo he had. matt was the first close friend i had who had died.

i flew up to tulsa for his funeral. i sat on the second row, behind his family, in a group of his closest friends. i wasn’t sure how to react. on the flight back, a flight attendant offered me a glass (well, plastic cup) of wine. even though i was underage, she said it looked like i needed it. i didn’t argue.

i unfolded my slightly damp napkin and scribbled on the back my recollections of the day:

silhouettes of black pass by and
flowers fragrant overwhelm
the heavy air of sadness for
you’re gone and in this madness
i close my eyes, remember
when we met upon that december
day and now you’re gone
(not far away)
for on another day we’ll see
each other and embrace just
like there was no other time that
had come between now and the minute
when we said our last goodbye

and now i start to cry

standing for one last time
i gaze upon your face and say farewell
until we meet again, my friend
close your eyes so peacefully rest
your hands folded upon your chest
as silhouettes of black pass by and
flowers fragrant overwhelm

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three years ago this week, my dad’s sister, my aunt, also passed away. she had an undiscovered brain aneurysm. it had ruptured, and despite several attempts to save her, she eventually passed away too. chris and i lived in kansas city, but i got on the first plane i could and flew down to dallas.

my aunt was crazy. literally. she was loud, and caring, and animated. she loved holidays and every summer when we’d visit my cousin, i would swim in their pool. we’d play pinball, pingpong, and watch cowboys games on their tv.

christmas isn’t the same without her, or her nacho cheese sauce.

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matthew & sharon…i miss you both. i love you both. and i am remembering you both fondly this week.