seven years ago this week, my friend matthew died on his 31st birthday. i was about to head to bed the night before, but saw him come online on my instant messenger and told him happy birthday. he said he had bought a new bike and if i ever made it up to tulsa (he came to dallas a lot), we’d have to go riding.

the next day, after a late night work meeting, i came home to an answering machine full of messages from our mutual friends. evidently matt had gone for a ride on his new bike and his heart stopped. they were unable to revive him. and he passed away.

i remember standing in center my living room alone. it felt like the world had come to a standstill. all of my surroundings became sucked away like i was in a black hole.

what was crazy about this was there were so many things about matt nobody knew until after he died. the places and how frequently he volunteered. the tattoo he had. matt was the first close friend i had who had died.

i flew up to tulsa for his funeral. i sat on the second row, behind his family, in a group of his closest friends. i wasn’t sure how to react. on the flight back, a flight attendant offered me a glass (well, plastic cup) of wine. even though i was underage, she said it looked like i needed it. i didn’t argue.

i unfolded my slightly damp napkin and scribbled on the back my recollections of the day:

silhouettes of black pass by and
flowers fragrant overwhelm
the heavy air of sadness for
you’re gone and in this madness
i close my eyes, remember
when we met upon that december
day and now you’re gone
(not far away)
for on another day we’ll see
each other and embrace just
like there was no other time that
had come between now and the minute
when we said our last goodbye

and now i start to cry

standing for one last time
i gaze upon your face and say farewell
until we meet again, my friend
close your eyes so peacefully rest
your hands folded upon your chest
as silhouettes of black pass by and
flowers fragrant overwhelm

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three years ago this week, my dad’s sister, my aunt, also passed away. she had an undiscovered brain aneurysm. it had ruptured, and despite several attempts to save her, she eventually passed away too. chris and i lived in kansas city, but i got on the first plane i could and flew down to dallas.

my aunt was crazy. literally. she was loud, and caring, and animated. she loved holidays and every summer when we’d visit my cousin, i would swim in their pool. we’d play pinball, pingpong, and watch cowboys games on their tv.

christmas isn’t the same without her, or her nacho cheese sauce.

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matthew & sharon…i miss you both. i love you both. and i am remembering you both fondly this week.

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