FlowerDust.net

october 7 is national porn sunday. many churches (but not nearly enough!) are celebrating this weekend a little differently - by addressing the topic of pornography. i am preparing to speak at crosspoint community church in decatur, alabama on porn sunday. i was working on part of the message this morning…i have a great story about boobs i get to share. oh yes, indeedy.

anyway, i receive emails from time to time with people who are going through struggles with porn or sex. if you have a question about pornography addiction, questions about my own struggle [read it here] or anything along those lines, please email them to me by using the contact anne link under my goofy mugshot.

Q: Did you ever “relapse?”

A: Honestly, no - not in any consistent sense. There were durations where I was incredibly tempted for long periods of time but because of safe-holds we had in place (like no internet access at home, etc.) it was harder for me to fall. My journey hasn’t been perfect. I’ve goofed up a couple times in the last six or seven years. But just a couple. And with each “oops” came a very fast confession to my husband. It may seem impossible but I promise - you can be porn free for YEARS at a time. You just have to take it one day at a time.

Q: I am really struggling…even little parts in movies or TV will get my mind going….is that normal?

A: Absolutely. I have to really watch what I view. We have a no-nudity in movies rule that is VERY RARELY broken. That may not be the right answer for everyone but it is for us right now. There is so much crap on TV. You know what gets your mind going…We all do.

Q: Do i just need to fall off of the face of the earth? And the cell phones now a days does not help any either….you would be amazed at what you can find on YouTube….There is no way for me to take that off.

A: You’re right about finding stuff on YouTube…but you don’t have to visit YouTube now, do you? Especially when you’re really trying to cut it all out - sometimes you have to be drastic. I threw away my computer. THREW IT AWAY! When I felt I could have a computer again, we didn’t have internet. Not for the first couple years of our marriage.

I know many people need cell phones. Call your provider and turn off your internet plan! And heck, it will save you money. The $40 you are spending on internet at home or for your data plans can sponsor you a child through Compassion and give them the extra $8 for AIDS work. Trading porn for needy kids might be some good motivation…

always do the right thing.

it seems obvious. but sometimes it is HARD. really, really hard.

so hard you can’t eat and you just want to throw up.

so hard it may take you a while to get there.

so hard your mind could be filled with what-if and consumed by fear.

so hard your life as you know might never be the same.

the old adage is true - the longer the agony, the deeper the pain.

don’t wait. do the right thing. do it as soon as you can.

and surround yourself with loving, caring people who will hold you up when you start to double over, who will encourage you, pray with you, pray for you, pray that people will bring you cookies to cheer you up, people who don’t mind when you cry, people who are brave enough to tell you to kick the negative thoughts far away, people who will travel thousands of miles to make things right, people who don’t laugh when all you order is mashed potatoes because you can’t think straight…

people who care. simply care.

[to those people, today, i say - thank you].

something chris and i have been praying about over the last couple of years is living with less. i remember shortly after we were married, we moved into an 1800 sqaure foot, 3-level townhome with all the bells and whistles in a nice subdivision of olathe, kansas. in our basement, we filled up the area under the stairs with boxes of stuff.

stuff we didn’t touch the year we lived there.

when we decided to move to shawnee to be closer to our church (employer), we got a crazy idea. let’s downsize. we had always lived in two bedroom places…let’s see if we can make a one bedroom work. we lost about half of our square footage, a basement, garage, half bathroom, and a fireplace…but gained so much freedom.

those boxes of stuff that were under the stairs? we didn’t even open them. we hadn’t touched them in a year so obviously we didn’t need them. one chilly october afternoon, i took box after box to our dumpster. honestly, to this day i still have no idea what was in those boxes. and we haven’t missed anything yet, two years later.

when we moved to texas last march, we kept the one bedroom apartment thing going. and lost another 400 square feet. we sold chris’ car and whatever didn’t fit in the uhaul or our other car didn’t make it to texas. we moved a few months ago to save gas and live closer to the church where we work. another one bedroom. in an area that probably isn’t the safest at night. but we actually gained 100 square feet but saved 70 bucks in rent.

chris and i had a great conversation over lunch today. in the last six months, we have been considering what we need versus what we want. we traded our billion stations cable for whatever comes through the wall - i think we have 10 english channels and 3 spanish ones. we bundled my cell phone with our internet and home phone and got the lowest plans. the only stuff we have in storage is a bookshelf, some blankets, and our christmas decorations. one small closet.

we are looking at other ways of being more responsible with what we’re given. we rarely eat out. we eat a lot of cereal. i make it work with my so unhip cell phone (honestly, i do lust for a blackberry pearl). since we both do contract work on top of our employment, we keep meticulous track of expenditures that can be tax write-offs. a few more months and there won’t be any credit card debt. or medical debt. and in a couple years, we’ll be able to move from the basic membership to the chrome membership of the junky car club. we have decided to very rarely do the starbucks thing and when we do, it’s usually from gift cards (woot!)

confession: in my heart of hearts, i am a big, spoiled brat. [you can read my struggle with the little green monster here.] this has not been easy for me. but in the last few months i have seen the benefit of spending less and giving away more. we are sponsoring a new compassion child from ethiopia. we are able to give to random causes as god leads us to give. and sometimes even go a little bit above that.

i say all this not to flaunt charity. but to share the incredible excitement and joy that comes with giving. i was challenged even more this last week to see the world not through my eyes of want, but through others’ eyes of need.

give something up. see what happens. then share…

i dare you.

that is my husband chris. yeah, i know i married way out of my league. he is patient, understanding, and at the moment, having to put up with his sissy of a wife.

i never get sick. sure, i get a little cold or a stomach virus but nothing too crazy. and nothing nearly as serious as shaun’s son (kawasaki disease) who is doing much better, by the way.

i woke up early today to meet somebody for breakfast and felt pretty sore. i chalked it up to doing some physical labor yesterday as i helped set up an interactive prayer-type area for a conference. that or the fact i haven’t slept much in the last two nights.

but after coming home from breakfast, i just laid on the couch and fell asleep. i woke up freezing and took my temperature. 100 on the nose. even when i am sick, i less frequently get fevers.

so now i am cranky, cold, and achy. does it sound like i’m complaining? take that and multiply it by a thousand. that is what my dear husband has to tolerate. so pray for him, pray for me…

i am a big poop face when i’m sick.

jordan, chris and i are somewhere in the collision of small town texas and the middle of nowhere. we just got done visiting with shaun groves and brody at one of shaun’s concerts.

if you follow his blog, you’ll know that his little boy has been really sick lately. tonight they were getting updates and trying to decide if and how to get back to nashville to be with him.

please say a prayer for shaun, his family, and his little boy. i’m typing this from my phone so i can’t really link over but his site is shlog.com. i am sure he could use the encouragement.

something he said tonight (which we all did) was that churches don’t just stop and pray for each other in the middle of it all…we all stopped and prayed with those around us. in colossians, paul writes that even though he hasn’t seen most of the letter’s recipients face to face, he is with them in spirit. even though most of you may not know shaun, we can all unite to pray with him through the same spirit.

today, abbi zeliff was a guest blogger on one of my favorite blogs, swerve. she had a great post on simplifying. i know it has been a while since my “weekly installment” of attempts at simple and that is for a good reason…i have totally been sucking at it lately!

the last two weeks have been crazy: traveling to nashville last wednesday-saturday, recovering from a plane-borne cold on sunday and monday, about five zillion (yes, i exaggerate) phone calls regarding book things (which is GREAT, don’t get me wrong!), a bunch of meetings and a long phone call about another more personal thing, driving with some friends to athens to see shaun groves tonight, helping my boss out at the fusion conference tomorrow, and meeting with a literary agent who’s in town for breakfast saturday…not to mention i am on a HUGE fall cleaning kick and have been a tornado of swiffer and mr. clean at home the last couple of nights. then there’s preparing to speak three times next month (wooo!) in alabama and arkansas…i can’t wait!

oh, and then there’s this thing i have called a job which has a big magazine deadline of tomorrow (thank you to pinkhairedgirl for offering up some freelance skill and helping us out), and we have two big fall festivals next month for which i get the privilege of managing communications…a LOT of communications…oh, and some freelance here and there.

the good thing about all of this is i have realized something i’m actually good at - managing projects and time. it is a ton of stuff yet there is a place and time for it all and i’m confident in the people i have fortunately been able to delegate to and my own progress on these items.

the horrible thing about this i realized today when my friend/accountability girl called me and asked me if we were still doing lunch today.

sccreeechhh…halt….brake noises….wha?

i looked on my calendar on my computer and my phone (they sync)…nothing. i KNOW it was on there - i had sent her the invite and it’s reocurring…somehow all of our bi-weekly lunches were deleted and because i didn’t have it on my phone or computer, i TOTALLY forgot about it.

i am relying way too much on this piece of technology and not my own brain.

today, i realized…i need to just take five minutes…retreat…and BREATHE.

when i get in seasons like this i LOVE it. i love being busy and it’s sick, but i kind of get a rush from having an overwhelming amount of stuff to do…i love problem solving and figuring out how it’s going to get done, then seeing things getting done, and meeting new people…all of it is great.

but i need to step back…away from my starbucks and five zillion diet cokes (not exaggerating)…and breathe. slow down. smile.

and simplifying?

let’s try this again, okay?

my web hosting service has been a piece of…poo…lately. so i am moving my business. evidently my site’s back up for now but i am going to be moving it just as soon as i can. if you run into random downtime, just know it’s for the betterment of humankind. or at least the betterment of my sanity.

thank you, dear ones, for bearing with me. let’s call them growing pains, shall we?

and if anyone out there has a host that is wordpress compatible that you would recommend (aka doesn’t go down once or twice a month) please feel free to let me know…and if you can’t refer a host, please leave me a hug. i need it today. :)

sometimes, a little al green is good for the soul.

what’s playing in your ears?

i am hanging out in lifechurch.tv’s internet campus this morning after a roller coaster week. i woke up late from crashing hard last night but not late enough for god to speak some amazing words to me…at the end of the message, craig was reading this quote:

May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart. May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace. May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain in to joy. And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done. (From a Franciscan Benediction)

this brought tears to my sleep-crusted eyes as i feel these exact words have been circulating in my spirit the last several months. i think it probably started when we went to austin in early march, and only intensified through each step chris and i have taken since then. last night, sitting alone in the chapel at the airport in dallas for several hours, i was reading and journaling and i promise you half of those words i scribbled down; yet more in question form than answer.

so to hear these words today as a confirmation of what our hearts (both mine and chris’) have been burdened with is both terrifying and exciting. as a couple, we are both slowly, prayerfully reconsidering and reevaluating so many assumptions we have made in our lives - what it means to die to ourselves, our wants, our so-called needs. what it means to find your tribe (please read that post if you haven’t). and to be honest with ourselves about what god is stirring up in our hearts, sacrifices he is requiring us to make.

what’s god been saying to you lately?

do not disrupt a mainly simple, vegetarian diet with nashville/bb king/bbq/soul food.

reflection #3: washed away

i think in some of the comments in previous posts, people have said they don’t like taking baths because in essence, you’re sitting in a pool of your own dirty water. i agree. completely. which is probably why i haven’t taken one in 3 years AND why i showered after the bubble bath.

as i let the water out of the tub, my feelings of baths were only confirmed by the ick left after the water had drained.

“all that was on me?” i wondered as i looked down at the bottom of the tub. personal hygiene is pretty important…even with my daily habits, i still had all this dirt left on me. turning on the shower, i watched it all wash away…never to be seen again.

i thought i was pretty clean, pre-bath. i do shower every morning, so how could i not be? well, i was wrong. and many times in my life, i’m operating in routine mode, my spiritual disciplines often becoming spiritual to-do’s which i must check off. dirt slowly and discreetly collects on my soul, and in my mind.

it’s still mind-boggling to me how we are promised are sins are removed as far as the east is from the west, never to be seen again. taking the time out to sit and soak and i guess really clean off was essential. it revealed the dirt i didn’t even know was there. but with a quick shower to rinse down all the ick, i never had to see it again…and in my spiritual life, i know his forgiveness is like that final shower - cleansing, purifying, and recharging.

[the end]

reflection #2: warm water cools

japanese relaxation theorists think the ideal temperature for a bubble bath is 100-104 degrees fahrenheit. i am thinking mine was closer to 400 degrees, as my skin went from its normally pasty white to a lobster red fairly quickly. a little too hot.

i let some of the more scalding water out and turned on the faucet to straight cold water until the water was no longer boiling. however, for some reason the cold water wouldn’t turn all the way off, and trickled down the place where i laid my feet.

instead of being a normal person and putting my feet back in the comfortable, bubbly water, i kept my feet set underneath the faucet, allowing my senses to feel the tension between the warm water which enveloped most of my body, and the chill of the cold water which trickled down my toes.

just like this little sensory experiment, it is so easy to want to be surrounded by the warmth and peace all the time. in our spiritual lives, oswald chambers refers to it as the mountaintop experience. god’s presence is completely felt and seen. we are enthralled by his beauty and our hearts leap knowing we’re safe. i’ll let ozzy take it from here in a beautiful description of the warm water…and the cold -

After every time of exaltation, we are brought down with a sudden rush into things as they really are, where it is neither beautiful, poetic, nor thrilling. The height of the mountaintop is measured by the dismal drudgery of the valley, but it is in the valley that we have to live for the glory of God. We see His glory on the mountain, but we never live for His glory there. It is in the place of humiliation that we find our true worth to God - that is where our faithfulness is revealed. Most of us can do things if we are always at some heroic level of intensity, simply because of the natural selfishness of our own hearts. But God wants us to be at the drab everyday level, where we live in the valley according to our personal relationship with Him.

eventually, my bubblebath would have gone cold, and probably a little sooner than i would want assuming the cold water would have kept dripping out of the faucet. and a lot of the time, i’m not on that mountaintop. but where it’s a little colder in the valley, a little foggier, a little less pleasant…this is the place where the father truly works through me…and in me.

so, the reason i wanted to know how many guys vs. girls read my blog was so i wouldn’t be surprised how much my readership might drop this week. :) i understand reflections from a bubble bath isn’t the most masculine sounding title…

the last time i had a good, relaxing bubble bath was june 2004. three years is far too long, so i put most of our candles in the bathroom, poured in the bubbles and put my iPod on a sigur ros playlist. after relaxing a bit, my mind started to wander. the next three posts will be about the three things i learned amid the bubbles.

reflection #1: we are meant to float
as i slowly became less aware of my surroundings, i noticed my arms went from two, dead-weighted limbs at my side to floating on top of the water. remembering that humans float naturally, i tried to see if my legs would do the same (thank goodness for large, garden tubs). sure enough, the more i would breathe, release tension, and relax, the more my body would begin to float to the top.

however, i started thinking about the process. i would try and mentally force my body to float, but would actually begin to slowly sink instead. it was only when i truly let go of my muscle control when i would start floating again.

lesson learned? we are meant to float; only the support of living water holding us in place. the more we try and do things our way, the more we sink…and even when we try to make ourselves float, we are unsuccessful.

we must completely let go in order to experience the movement, motion, and freedom floating brings.

please humor me a moment and vote. are you a boy? are you a girl? i’m writing a series for next week, and want to know my readers a little better. i know 1300 of you visit this site a day…so if you’re a lurker, please do me a favor and vote!

if you are a rss reader, just click the link and the poll will show up. and if you want to go the extra mile, answer me this - what sex do you think dominates flowerdust.net readership?

i’ve gotten a lot of email lately asking me advice on how to write a book and get it published. well, here is a post dedicated just to that topic.

the answer?

i don’t know.

but i’ll let you know as soon as i have it figured out :)

just another day in the office. designing random signs for our children’s ministry. a powerpoint slide for our skate church. returning phone calls.

opening my browser of choice (firefox, if you were wondering), my google homepage greets me. i skim across my google reader, the weather, and the headlines. first on the list - AP: Ohio Congressman Dies.

“it’s rainy outside, so why not play in the sad realm of death for a bit,” i wonder. i click on the link. the article doesn’t go into how he died…so, probably nothing too traumatic (read: gory). he was old…so maybe that’s why? leaves behind a wife and five kids. wow.

as i started to click the little (x) to close out that window, i couldn’t help but stare at his picture a little bit longer.

i looked in his eyes.

this man is dead.

being the internalizing person that i am, i begin to wonder…did he know love? did he love? was he happy? was he depressed? did he like jesus? the church? did some girl in starbucks ignore him while she was working on some freelance writing?

lots of people die everyday. that’s life (so to speak). but staring at this completely unknown man’s face tugged at my heart and revitalized my desperation, to do what we are all ultimately called to do.

here. look him in the eye. stare into his eyes.

this man is dead.

how do you feel?

i’m not shy, but i hate confrontation. i can be extremely blunt (dare i say tacky?) with those i am close to, but to complete strangers, i admit - i allow myself to get walked on a little bit.

two of my last four trips to starbucks to work on writing-type-things, i have encountered unexpected company. both times, these gentlemen came and took a seat next to me. both times my iPod earbuds were firmly planted in my ears and my eyes focused on my screen. yet both times these men began a conversation.

assuming these strangers only had honorable and friendly intention (one was married, one old enough to be my father), i usually unplug one of my ears and engage in small talk. i hint at the fact i need to get back to work, but that only seems to provoke a more indepth conversation regarding whatever it is i am writing about.

tonight i had to use the emergency escape call, quickly IMing an online friend to come to my rescue. i just want to get my work done. yet i don’t want to be a jerk to random people. i should take time to listen, to learn…right?

drawing that line for me is hard. how do you do it?

you have to love michael w. smith songs. oh, the fond memories of childhood camps. funny thing is, i dont even remember 99% of the people i met at camps…those people i was soooo heartbroken over on the last day as we held hands and sang that song.

i digress.

things are a little busy for me right now, so my blogging might be sporadic in the upcoming weeks. i apologize. speaking at community of hope sunday went great! i love love love speaking. hopefully they did too. and appreciate the prayers you sent my way. once i get my hands on an mp3 and decide it doesn’t suck too badly, i’ll try and post it! if you want to see me in action, complete with britney spears headset (i had to resist singing “hit me baby one more time”) you can see a snapshot here. it was the first time i had ever used a headset and i thank the sound guy for helping me get it on without messing up my hair.

since i am obviously not blogging interesting things right now, you should go check out this post on the lifechurch.tv swerve blog…

bobby asks, “is community broken?”

i wrote about some of my thoughts on this churchy buzz word here and here (for those of you who are new)…but i would love to hear your thoughts on his question…i’m keeping up with the comments, so please dive into the discussion over there!

is community broken? what do you think?

i have been having some weird dreams lately, including one friday night where everyone was wearing white sheets. hrrrmmm….

so, today is sunday. today is the first day in six months that i’ve spoken in front of an audience (not on the radio). i slept GREAT last night which is a miracle; and i’m not TOO nervous (a little!) - so for those of you who have been praying, thank you!

my clothes are already ironed and laid out and i’m about to get ready, go get a big thermos of african autumn rooibos at texas roast and hopefully not run into any traffic problems on the way across the metroplex.

thank you all again for your prayers! i’ll write about how it went sometime tomorrow or tuesday.

have a happy labor day!