trade your porn for needy kids - a Q&A
September 26th, 2007 @ 12:25 pm
october 7 is national porn sunday. many churches (but not nearly enough!) are celebrating this weekend a little differently - by addressing the topic of pornography. i am preparing to speak at crosspoint community church in decatur, alabama on porn sunday. i was working on part of the message this morning…i have a great story about boobs i get to share. oh yes, indeedy.
anyway, i receive emails from time to time with people who are going through struggles with porn or sex. if you have a question about pornography addiction, questions about my own struggle [read it here] or anything along those lines, please email them to me by using the contact anne link under my goofy mugshot.
Q: Did you ever “relapse?”
A: Honestly, no - not in any consistent sense. There were durations where I was incredibly tempted for long periods of time but because of safe-holds we had in place (like no internet access at home, etc.) it was harder for me to fall. My journey hasn’t been perfect. I’ve goofed up a couple times in the last six or seven years. But just a couple. And with each “oops” came a very fast confession to my husband. It may seem impossible but I promise - you can be porn free for YEARS at a time. You just have to take it one day at a time.
Q: I am really struggling…even little parts in movies or TV will get my mind going….is that normal?
A: Absolutely. I have to really watch what I view. We have a no-nudity in movies rule that is VERY RARELY broken. That may not be the right answer for everyone but it is for us right now. There is so much crap on TV. You know what gets your mind going…We all do.
Q: Do i just need to fall off of the face of the earth? And the cell phones now a days does not help any either….you would be amazed at what you can find on YouTube….There is no way for me to take that off.
A: You’re right about finding stuff on YouTube…but you don’t have to visit YouTube now, do you? Especially when you’re really trying to cut it all out - sometimes you have to be drastic. I threw away my computer. THREW IT AWAY! When I felt I could have a computer again, we didn’t have internet. Not for the first couple years of our marriage.
I know many people need cell phones. Call your provider and turn off your internet plan! And heck, it will save you money. The $40 you are spending on internet at home or for your data plans can sponsor you a child through Compassion and give them the extra $8 for AIDS work. Trading porn for needy kids might be some good motivation…
Sex · Speaking · Travels
Paul said,
September 26, 2007 at 4:24 pm
Thanks Anne, that sounds an awesome thang for churches to speak about - i struggled with a porn addiction for yrs and never felt i could talk about it in a christian context - the last few yrs have been about being honest and not being so afraid to say heh i’m a porn addict in recovery - being able to be open, accountable and be prayed and supported in a community of peole who know me is awesome blessing and seem so much change in my life.
Jeff Green said,
September 26, 2007 at 5:09 pm
Once again I so respect your honesty and authenticity. I myself have struggled with pornography (I wonder who hasn’t) and I’m really enjoying the opening up of a conversation about this issue within many christian circles.
thanks again and I look forward to the series
Maya said,
September 26, 2007 at 6:06 pm
This conversation is great. I work with some individuals who are addicted in this way and it is so hard for them to speak openly with anyone about it. Clearly, the secrecy and shame keeps so many trapped in it. I’m glad you are speaking on this and keep posting. The more it is discussed openly, the more people will…WILL be freed.
And yes, sometimes I wish I could throw out my TV due to all the crapola, but I’d have a major mutiny on my hands here at home. My 79 year old father who lives with us due to a stroke only has his food and his Judge Judy. Oh G-d, save me.
Lynse leanne said,
September 26, 2007 at 6:06 pm
I am so excited that you are going to get to speak. you are going to be awesome….and i may still get to come see you….you know, being that i dont work at a church and all.
Thank you so much for being open and candid about things like this….it is much needed in this world where we have all learned to put on masks.
drliz said,
September 26, 2007 at 7:56 pm
I am coming to see you speak in Decatur! I am thrilled that this church is having a woman speak on this, and not from the “wife wronged by husband’s porn use” perspective. I’m not saying, obviously, that wives whose husbands are addicted don’t need help and support! But too many churches still operate under the assumption that this is strictly a men’s problem, like the internet hasn’t really changed anything. But the internet allows (and invites?) women who would never consider going to an “adult bookstore” to freely explore porn in secret.
Billy Chia said,
September 26, 2007 at 10:11 pm
Anne,
This post such a breath of fresh air.
Yeah, Porn, Homosexuality, Ted Haggard - I’m way more down with talking about the healing process more than the judging process.
daniel d said,
September 26, 2007 at 10:44 pm
Porn is by far that subtle vice that is pulling down far more people than who will admit it. I struggled with it for years. Looking at nudy sites, etc. Never really going so far as to “subscribe” to anything but I took my fair share of “free tours.” Thankfully that has all been behind me for some time now. Getting married and being totally open and honest with my wife and her having my back has been a huge help.
Stats are so scary that xxxchurch.com has on their site. Seems like many Christians are struggling with this same issue (and probably many more who just won’t admit it). Sad, in the case of Paul (comment above) who felt he couldn’t talk about his problem in a Christian setting. I imagine that is probably the case for a lot of people. Feeling fearful of being judged, seeming week or feeling dirty so rather than attempt to get help continue to fall into the trap.
Adult Internet Porn Statistics
Men admitting to accessing porn at work 20%
US adults who regularly visit internet porn sites 40 million
Promise Keepers men who viewed porn in the last week 53%
Christians who say porn is a major problem in the home 47%
Adults admitting to internet sexual addiction 10%
Breakdown of male/female visitors to porn sites 72% male - 28% female
More stats at http://xxxchurch.com/gethelp/index.php
James McLean said,
September 27, 2007 at 11:20 am
Thanks for talking about this Anne! Good stuff.
D Rho said,
September 27, 2007 at 12:42 pm
Hi Anne! Wow, that is so cool you’re getting to speak at Porn Sunday! I’m sure the mostly male audience will be astonished that women can and do struggle in this area as well - and I think it’s healing for men to get a female perspective on this porn addiction stuff. Kudos and blessings to you!
I think that people struggling to kick the porn habit fill our churches because of this deep longing to be loved and free. For some, like myself once, falsely believed that they were doomed to be unloved and shackled their whole life - as if it was some sort of deserved punishment.
There’s so much guilt, shame, ridicule, and alienation going on in the church over this stuff. It’s like the “don’t ask, don’t tell policy” (cause most are locked in it in some way, and are afraid of the guilt, shame, ridicule, and alienation from their church).
I always tell people I talk to and mentor about this stuff - the first thing, “I care about you. I really don’t care that you look at porn, I care about WHY you look at porn.” And then I tell them how brave they are to admit they need a hand getting out of the pit. This seems to give people a sense that they have value, that they won’t ever be judged by me - only encouraged, and that their habit is not permanent, and that issues may lie deeper than they originally thought - which 9 times out of 10 is the case.
Here are some questions for your future posts:
1. As a pastor, if your church fires people for using porn, what are your options for accountability and help? Should you be fired?
2. I know many people who haven’t actually used porn for years, yet they still struggle in other areas like over-eating, an overt need to lead in church, oversaturated with entertainment, masturbation or extreme abstinence (married couples)… What is really going on here?
3. I know many recovering porn users, who want to write a book or be a leader in this struggle - though they just began their recovery process… How do you know iwhen t’s time to begin helping others?
Thanks for being so real, so open, and so out there!
JessG said,
September 27, 2007 at 2:51 pm
Wow. This is something that I never would have thought would affect my life. My father is a sex/porn addict. He was in recovery for a while but eventually he left my mom and our family. This was something that had been going on since my brother (now 21) was a baby and we had no idea! When we found out we turned to our church and it seemed like there were no answers for us. No on wanted to talk about it. Everyone just felt sorry for us. When we started going to the church we go to now everything changed. The pastor actually addressed this from the stage on the weekend! We sat and cried and held each other. It was so healing to hear that 1.) we are not alone, 2.) people actually care enough to talk about it and 3.) God can heal.
Melinda Groth said,
September 27, 2007 at 4:28 pm
I am SO supportive of your boldness. I had not even heard about Porn Sunday. I reap such a wealth of good stuff to cover in prayer, by reading your blog!
I feel it is essential to have specific suggestions/examples listed, as you have, to make it possible for a person to break free of an addiction . . . as well as someone readily available,who is grace giving but willing to be an accountability person, as your husband is.
Great role modeling!
Tammy said,
September 27, 2007 at 10:27 pm
I just read your article over at relevant…WOW! What a journey. What boldness. And courage. I am praying right now for your upcoming talk on porn Sunday…
Faith said,
September 28, 2007 at 3:17 am
What about people who are in churches that don’t feel like safe places to share their struggle?
mike foster said,
October 1, 2007 at 8:06 am
anne, great questions and even better answers…as always i love your honesty and transparency…its so refreshing and so helpful….peace..mike.
Joe Louthan said,
October 1, 2007 at 5:55 pm
I got tired of this porn crisis only being talked about in men-only small groups. I notice when we take prayer requests and every single man in the room struggles with it, I figured that women struggle with lust in some form.
So I started being open and honest about my struggles with lust and pornography with not just men but with women, too. Every single woman I have shared this with is relieved just to talk about it.
I think it is high time that this subject is brought out in the open between men and women alike.
Like Craig Groeschel said, “You cannot beat this by yourself. If you could, you would have done it by now.” You have to call upon the strength of the Lord every single day. Not only that, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” (John 5:16)
You want to talk about struggling: I am out of the country on business in South Africa. I was watching television and I notice that the all curse words (major and minor) were bleeped out. I thought to myself, this should be pretty safe.
Yea, SA worries about cuss words but they don’t worry about nudity so much. Those are images that are burned into brain after being off of porn for several months.
Is there any doubt that I HAVE to pray every single day?
Rachel said,
October 4, 2007 at 5:07 pm
Really awesome of you to be so open and let God use you to speak out on this subject of Porn. I will be praying for you in Decatur on Sunday!
Nathanael said,
October 16, 2007 at 1:20 pm
What a great post, sister!
I remember reading that article on Relevant when you first posted it and praising the Lord for your boldness.
I also was addicted to porn.
As I was preparing for my preaching debut two years ago at the young adult ministry I used to be a part of, the Lord let me know very clearly I was to tell the congregation about it. At that time, there were 1000 young people coming to two services on Sunday nights. Needless to say, I wrestled with that a bit.
Up until that point, the only people I told were my best friend and my girlfriend (who is now my wife).
Here’s the link: http://www.thebridgeministries.com/audio
The message was September 4, 2005.
mat said,
December 1, 2007 at 5:42 am
thanks for the post
truth is i am also addicted to porn and mb. i got help, tried really hard at times to abstain from acting out and through god’s grace i really felt free!
but recently i stumbled and gave in to curiosity and complacency, naively thinking i could just browse through it and be gone. guess i was wrong.
There was just so much guilt and shame. told mum. family is quite concerned. (i am worried that i may be a stumbling block to them as well.) i noe that christ died for my sins. but sometimes i just get doubts as to whether i am worth god’s time…i always stumble!
yup, intellectually i noe that’s not true but i can’t help feeling the pain, the guilt and the lost of integrity…
to make things worst i sometimes still feel tempted and it adds to the guilt somehow.
yup. that’s my story. i still will fight for i know that nothing is impossible with god. anyone there can identify with me or have any advice? oh and does fasting help in this?
p.s. this is wierd but i actually feel better after writing this out…