FlowerDust.net

i have to be honest. when i got to the assassin of amped emotions chapter, i thought, “ah…finally, something that doesn’t apply to me.”

except for some very fleeting moments, i am a very calm person. i don’t throw tantrums. i hate yelling. i rarely get angry. i’m not much of a grudge holder and i am typically not a vengeful person.

and then i got through a couple more pages and read this:

DEAR FREAKING IDIOT!!!
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!!???!! DO YOU HAVE A BRAIN!!?? I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS!!! PUSH ME AGAIN, YOU SCUM SUCKING PENCIL-NECKED GEEK, AND I WILL MAKE YOU PAY!!!!!

i don’t know how mike and jud hacked into my email account and found that email, but oh boy, am i embarrassed!!

there have been times where i have sent that email. there have been times when i have posted that comment on a blog when i disagreed with someone. i have used the ALL CAPS and the !!??!! many times before.

and as the book says, it’s usually over really tiny things that don’t matter.

there was a time, just a few months ago, when i read an email that i wasn’t supposed to. i wasn’t snooping around or anything; it just got sent to me on accident. and there was a very snippy remark in it, which i assumed was about me.

i was FIRED UP. livid. super, duper annoyed and just flat-out ticked at the people who were involved in the conversation.

i wrote one of those kinds of emails and right before hitting that send button my boss came in my office.

he instantly knew something was off (as i mentioned earlier - i really don’t get visibly upset) and we talked (meaning: i vented) about the situation. i (proudly) read him my response to their supposed immaturity and he said,

“you probably shouldn’t send that.”

he was right.

that’s when it really hit me: i can let my emotions get the best of me.

i closed out the email and spent a lot of time thinking about the entire situation. even if my response seemed justifiable (there’s that word again)…i was lacking SERIOUS humility.

a week later, i got the word “grace” tattooed inside my right wrist. a little drastic, perhaps, but it is now a constant reminder of the grace i have received and the grace i need to give.

it’s also really hard to flip someone off in dallas traffic when you see the word “grace” as your hand’s flying up to shoot them the bird.

anger, jealousy, bitterness - they can all get the best of us. this assassin moves quickly and wrecks our common sense.

deep breath. deep, deep breath.

there you go.

breathe.

today, meet the assassin known as zi qi qi ren.

zi qi qi ren is chinese for “self deception while deceiving others.” although we talked a little bit about deception yesterday, this is a much more intentional covering up. a concealing. completely hiding.

my favorite part of this chapter:

one of my friends was a pastor of a large church. for a number of years, he was living a double life. on one hand, he was a terrific pastor, inspiring leader, amazing husband to a beautiful wife and great father to a plethora of children. that was the only way i had ever seen him. however, he was secretly having an affair with another woman - for years.

and like the book says, the truth eventually came out. everyone was shocked.

chris and i still keep in touch with him. and after his confession (although it took a long time) he said he has never understood grace so deeply than how he understands it now.

we live in a society where we are scared to talk about our deepest struggles and our biggest mistakes. we think as long as it’s hidden, we’re safe.

were my friend’s life, family, ministry, his job…were they safe as he kept his sin concealed?

it sure seemed that way. fear had entangled him into secrecy. but none of those things were really safe.

why?

truth wins.

god is a god of grace. HUGE, gigantic, ENORMOUS grace. i pray we can only become more like him. as leaders, we need to create a culture in which transparency is valued and grace is extended.

also from the book:

You can suffer in secrecy for a long time. Or, you can start being the leader you were, and are, meant to be.

if you are reading this and you’re thinking, “oh crap. oh crap, oh crap, oh crap. i have this thing i need to confess…”

DO IT.

do NOT live in the shame any longer. do not be self deceived. don’t deceive others.

it could totally jack up your family.
it could totally jack up your ministry.
it could totally jack up your reputation.

but confessing it will SET YOU FREE.

What are your secrets that you are afraid might come out? Is it better to live in fear or freedom?

shame and fear are from satan who wants to keep you in the dark.
conviction and confession are from God who wants to bring you into the light.

do it. own up to it.

there is amazing grace waiting for you on the other side.

i got a copy of my friend mike foster’s and jud wilhite’s new book, deadly viper character assassins. something i have always appreciated about mike is his cut-and-dry honesty, and the deadly viper book is no exception of that trait. over the next few days, i’ll be hitting briefly on some of the things that stood out to me personally in this book (aside from its amazing design and layout).

today, i want to talk about the assassin of character creep. in summary, character creep is the killer who knocks us out in the small details of our life.

it’s the temptation to not claim all my contract work on my taxes because i know not everyone who hired me is reporting me to the IRS. it’s the temptation to blame traffic when i’m late for work when in actuality, i didn’t want to pull away from watching maroon 5 on the today show. it’s the temptation to justify why i am really watching maroon 5 on the today show (it wasn’t just the music…)

these have been some of my real, honest-to-god temptations.

a million little thoughts like this have always crossed my mind, and have probably always crossed yours too. we are always looking for the small ways to justify little missteps. when we’re searching for ways to find justification, chances are we probably shouldn’t be doing whatever it is that needs to be justified to begin with.

one of my favorite lines from this chapter is,

“we must acknowledge whether we are cutting corners and identify where we are vulnerable. when the pressure comes, will we be able to stand the force, or will our hull be compromised?”

it’s the little things. the little things nobody will ever know about.

we think we’re safe.

we think we’ll never be found out.

but the truth is when we make these little compromises, we’ve just been taken down by the assassin of character creep.

get dirty:
where are some of the areas in which you are tempted to fudge the details? your turn. spill it.

It might not be
The prettiest thing that you’ll ever see
But it’s a new day, oh baby, it’s a new day
And it might not look like
A beautiful sunrise
But it’s a new day, oh baby, it’s a new day

(Robbie Seay Band)

prayer.

i want to know how can i pray for YOU this week? how can WE (this community of bloggers) pray for you? just knowing we are all interceding on each others’ behalf is really, really cool. so…

what’s going on in your world that we can pray about for you?

evidently, i have been keeping a really big secret from you guys.

my name is not anne jackson.

i don’t live in texas.

and i work in a tattoo parlor.

this blog uncovers my true identity.

and now you know.

these people were searching for something…and somehow ended up here. thank you awstats for providing me with search keywords. i just can’t believe the stuff people want to look up:

do not disturb on forehead drawing
pictures of evil leprechauns
dallas diabetic cat sitters
david crowder does drugs
how much poop in my intestine
nose snot porn
catbutt
why do i still have fat in my middle
shaving armpits
ball passing hidden gorilla
does a body smell after an autopsy
redneck cold cures
infrequent booty calls

wow, if you have a way of doing this for your blog - i suggest you take a look.

let me know what you find!

so, if you are part of the facebook group “fight mad church disease” or you’re subscribed to the mad church disease blog, this news is about a week old. but with the new job news last week, i thought i’d wait until now to let you guys know that mad church disease officially has a publisher!

i’m going to wait a little bit to reveal what publishing house it is as the MCD website is going through a bit of a lipstick makeover, but i couldn’t be more excited. after hearing their enthusiasm for the book, some of their design/marketing ideas, the choice was clear.

the release date is set for february 2009 - i know - it seems forever from now, but we are going to be coming up with some really cool stuff in the mean time that will start the discussion…

if you haven’t yet, sign up here to be notified when the book is available for presell.

thank you guys so much for your prayers and help in spreading the word about this book. i found out earlier in the week that whenever the website launched and you guys blitzed the internet, msnbc’s “clicked” (a part of msnbc that picks up things that are heating up the web - it’s about a quarter of the way down) had taken note! who knew?

they didn’t exactly get the concept of the book right (ok, they got it entirely wrong and i emailed them to explain the idea), but it goes to show you that there is a huge need and people are responding to it! that couldn’t happen without you, so thanks!

i need your thoughts - is this sad?

i have restarted the diet that helped me lose weight over the last year [read about it here]. not because i need to really lose any more weight, but because i know the holidays are coming and i will be eating like a freaking pig. i’d like to lose say, five to eight pounds before thanksgiving simply so i can be gluttonous carefree in my eating habits for two months.

peppermint mochas (an anonymous blogger sent chris and me a starbucks gift card - to you, i say thanks! to the rest of you, i say let that be an inspiration…i kid, i kid.) christmas cookies. christmas cupcakes. anything with red and green sprinkles i will pretty much devour.

it’s just preparation, right??? please say yes.

I’ve been staring at this screen for an hour trying to think of some clever way of announcing this.

I’ve got nothing. So I’ll just say it.

We’re moving to Edmond, Oklahoma on January 3, and I’ll be working at LifeChurch.tv beginning January 7.

I will have the great honor of working alongside the great Bobby Gruenewald. Fetching his Chick-fil-A; scavenging for Diet Cokes, and hopefully taking all that great stuff his brain creates and putting it into action. At the moment, We are still exploring title options…ninja was already taken, so we’re on a quest….Any suggestions? :)

So how’d all this happen?

A few months ago, you couldn’t have paid me a million bucks to move to Oklahoma. I am a city girl. I am a Texas girl. Oklahoma has horseshoeing schools. And red dirt. And Sooners.

But in June, all of that changed. It started as a simple trip to help with some copy writing for YouVersion.

We had no plans on moving. No plans on changing jobs.

But three days later, we knew our lives would never be the same.

We knew we’d end up there.

We just didn’t know when. Or how.

And it all worked out.

And we couldn’t be more excited.

And we can’t wait to see what the future holds!

yeah. i’m totally kidding.

but my husband sent me this story.

Pittsburgh-

(AP) Change for a million?

That’s what a man was seeking Saturday when he handed a $1 million bill to a cashier at a Pittsburgh supermarket. But when the Giant Eagle employee refused and a manager confiscated the bogus bill, the man flew into a rage, police said.

The man slammed an electronic funds-transfer machine into the counter and reached for a scanner gun, police said.

Police arrested the man, who was not carrying identification and has refused to give his name to authorities. He is being held in the Allegheny County Jail.

Since 1969, the $100 bill is the largest note in circulation.

Police believe the $1 million note seized at the supermarket may have originated at a Dallas-based ministry. Last year, the ministry distributed thousands of religious pamphlets with a picture of President Grover Cleveland on a $1 million bill.

if you’ve been around a while, forgive my redundancy. i’ve been on a sleep/anxiety combo medicine since january and a “stress” medicine (did you know they made those?) as well. you can read about some my attempts at medication through some stressful transitions here.

a lot of people - christians in particular - have questions on whether or not medication for depression and/or anxiety is biblical. shouldn’t you just snap out of it? my personal experience with taking my doctor’s advice, and working with a therapist as well as discussing all of this with my husband led me to decide that going on medication temporarily as i worked hard core through some issues in counseling would probably be best. and i think it was. if i felt healthy enough, i would be off the medication in a year.

so because of the kind of medicine i am on, i have to gradually wean off. over the next eight weeks (beginning last night) i will be cutting back by eighths on one medicine, and thirds on the other.

how do i feel about it? i am so looking forward to what’s on the other side. my emotions have never felt more stable, my sleep is back to normal, and i’m not stressing out a ton. it may not seem like the best month to start this withdrawal, with all of the stress of current events, but i really think i am in a good place. with the support of my friends, family, husband, therapist, YOU GUYS and undoubtedly resting - really resting - in God’s promises of truth, justice, confession, and provision; i am not too worried about it.

my final week of medication is november 26. i’ll occasionally post updates of how i’m doing if i think about it, but i am really looking forward to taking this next step!

on a side note, this weekend in alabama went great. it was all a little bit of a blur to me but after speaking with several people after the message or getting emails from them over the last few days, i know God did a great work through everyone - the volunteers, the band, the teams that set up, dave, and even myself. i love seeing god move!

that’s about all from flowerdust land. i hope you all are having a great week!

i just got settled in my cozy hampton inn room here in decatur, alabama. the flight was smooth, not too many travel hassels, and i’ve met mr. and mrs. moviepastor.

despite my only being here for, at this point, a little over an hour, so far i have encountered some very southernesque things:

1) on the way to baggage claim, i was asked out on a date for tonight by a stereotypical nascar fan who was here to see some races at the talladega speedway.

it was not ricky bobby. i politely declined.

plus i think i freaked him out when he asked me why i was in town.

“to speak at a church about porn.”

that’s gotta be a conversation killer…

2) passed a truck on the highway for a company named “bubba dump.”

3) i saw a real scarecrow in a real corn field. the real corn field was across the highway from a real cotton field. you don’t see much of that in dallas.

4) the hotel receptionist uses “don’t” instead of “doesn’t.” because of the drawl, i think that makes it grammatically okay.

i’d appreciate your prayers as i continue to prepare for tomorrow! and to those of you coming to visit, thank you so much. you guys are awesome!

i am almost 28. long gone are the days where staying up until 3 am, waking up at 7 am, and working productively were no big thing. last night i stayed up until almost 1. i could barely drag myself out of bed by 7:30…

but today will be good. i love fridays because i get a day’s head start for next week. so when i come in on monday, i’m not suddenly overwhelmed with the week ahead. tonight is date night. and tomorrow, i head out to decatur, alabama. i have to tie up a few loose ends on my message but i am really excited about getting to teach this sunday. it will also be my first time speaking in a movie theatre church so i think that whole experience will be awesome.

i covet your prayers. the messy-ness of this week’s news hasn’t really affected my focus for the weekend much. if anything, you have inspired me to keep on going, keep on trusting. this is totally in god’s hands and being distracted isn’t going to do me - or anyone - a lick of good.

anyway, on the getting old thing, that makes me curious - how old are you?
don’t be shy…

again, thank you all for your support. also you lurkers who have sent me emails - thank you. sometimes i hear the words, “i’ve gone through that too - what you’ve said means so much to me” and now i am the one getting the emails from people sharing that they have been through this before, allowing me to have the “me too” moment. so, thank you for sharing your stories of peace, healing, and restoration.

i thought we’d come up for some air and have a little fun. chris bought a new cd and it had a coupon for three free iTunes songs in it.

so, what should i get?

ryan from next steps leadership thought it would be fun to get inside my head about church and leadership. i’m the first female they’ve interviewed and you’ll notice that i am twice as wordy as the guys. guess that whole “women talk more than men” adage is true.

anyway, if you’d like to see the interview, go here!

thanks, ryan, for the opportunity.