FlowerDust.net

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I’m found
Was blind, but now I see

‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

My chains are gone
I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

i got this error message today while trying to go to somebody’s profile. flashbacks of myspace flooded my mind.

Do you prefer Facebook or Myspace or….?

out grocery shopping with chris:

anne - “so, i think we need to get….OOOH…sparkly christmas tree!….i think we need to get milk and maybe some….WOW!…is that lady’s eye all swollen?….we also need to get some bread.”

chris - “i’ve got a new nickname for you.”

anne - “oh yeah? what….do we still have cheese?….what’s that?”

chris - “distracto.”

yeah.

that’s me.

love,
distracto.

(bonus points for whoever can tell me who sings the song with the title of this post as one of the lyrics - no googling!)

a couple of months ago, i wrote about my gradual weaning off my sleep/anxiety medication (it’s one pill - a really strong sedative). i was a little nervous. one, i didn’t know what kind of withdrawal symptoms i’d have and two, i didn’t know who the person on the other side of this journey would be.

i’m still not completely finished with the withdrawal, but by this time next week i will be. i am so very happy to report i’ve only had some minor symptoms (mainly headaches).

i think that probably the biggest surprise is the fact the non-medicated version of me is SO MUCH DORKIER than the medicated version. i say that with as much emphasis as possible.

even though i had only been on the meds for almost a year, they were very emotionally numbing, and i didn’t even realize it. frequently over the last seven weeks, i kept getting these weird looks from my husband, like, “who is this woman?!” in a good way though (i hope)…at least he was laughing. hmmmm….

anyway, just wanted to update you all. if you want to read a little bit more of the journey over the last year, you can here.

thanks for your prayers & support!!

if you are on medication for anything, don’t make up your own plan for getting off of them. talk to your doctor. work out a plan. don’t just stop. my doctor has been great at helping me through this, as well as talking to friends and a counselor. disclaimer over.

i’ve never had the flu.

i’ve never had the flu shot either.

do you get a flu shot?

i love time off and away from work. especially after an unusually hectic monday and tuesday, it was nice to relax with chris, my family, and have some alone time as well.

on the flip side, sometimes it’s difficult for me to have that alone time because i end up over thinking. do you ever do that? one thought leads to another, then to another, and another and soon you have all these thoughts piled up in your head.

as we spent time with my family (who live on the fort worth side of things) it reminded me of times past. i lived over that way from the time i was sixteen until i moved to kansas city when i was twenty one. lots of memories. some good. and some i wish i could forget.

on saturday when we were back at our place, we started packing our boxes. all of our decor is now packed away, as well as all of our books. i am so excited about moving! i only have four more weeks at lake pointe, then a couple of weeks off until a new chapter at lifechurch.tv begins.

even though i feel a little overwhelmed with memories of the past screaming at me from behind, and hopes for the future shining so brightly in front of me, this moment right now is the present.

and as quiet as it seems, it’s just as important as the things which have shaped me before, and the things that have yet to come.

painting: jordan isip/my middle name

i am still yet completely befuddled on what i am bringing to my cousin’s house for our thanksgiving meal tomorrow. last night i thought of making thanksgiving burritos. all the thanksgiving classics wrapped up in a tortilla. it couldn’t be that bad, could it?

chris thought so.

as with most people, i probably won’t be blogging too much until next week. we are wii-sitting for some friends who have a dog. and no, i didn’t switch the words “wii” and “dog”… :)

five things i am totally grateful for:

1) gentle, passionate grace
2) my husband (and his ability to cook)
3) amazing friends and family
4) people who are willing to take chances on me, believe in me
5) you

happy thanksgiving!

my wonderful (and VERRRRY sexy) husband just showed me this:

wow.

since i am still in my brain funk, i thought i’d share some good news with you guys before the holidays!

as you know, the book i am working on, mad church disease, will be released in february 2009.

i haven’t publicly (via blog) announced WHO the publisher is…

but why not today?

i am officially a zondervan author! woot!

the team there is amazing and they ooze creativity. they truly see this book as something that is needed in the church today! their excitement about the project keeps refueling my excitement about the project. i am so pumped to have such a strong partner for this adventure.

i am also VERY grateful for my agent beth jusino from alive communications. without beth’s knowledge of the industry, her passion for young writers and fresh ideas, and her willingness to hand-hold a rookie author, i would probably be neck-deep in things i don’t understand.

so those are a few things for which i am very thankful!!

what are you thankful for?

my brain has totally locked up. i have been trying to bust through as much mad church disease writing as possible, as well as finishing up some things for our move (we found a place downtown and it is totally smashing…and quite reasonably priced!)

brain-is-frozen!

texas, on the otherhand, is NOT frozen. it has been in the 80s for the last week. yet i have decided not to let the temperature outside reflect my clothing decisions. it is fall, and i want to wear a sweater. so i am today. and here is a goofy photo of me at-this-moment posing with my african autumn rooibos tea in said sweater.

that as about as interesting as it’s going to get here today. (and for you people who swear i look like kat von d…proof i really dont!)

what’s it like in your world?

just when my head and all of its grey matter gets consumed by thoughts about pastors and cars and planes and houses and what i am going to bring to my family’s thanksgiving celebration and should i attempt another cake this year and i’m happy both the mavs play tonight as well as 30 rock and the office and my 20″ screen looks so much better when there aren’t fingerprints on it and how much i didn’t like rilo kiley but now i do and where is my ipod exactly anyway…?

i am stopped dead in my tracks, my brain locks up, my heart crumples. my friend shaun is in ethiopia right now. read about his trip here. watch his video below:

chris and i sponsor a little boy in ethiopia named abdukerim wejo. i wonder if he’s in this video somewhere? i can’t wait to meet him someday. and somehow my $32/month doesn’t seem like enough when i just spent that much on makeup yesterday.

do you sponsor a child?

(Thanks, Deana).

if you watch family guy (’fess up, sinners) you’ll know where my title comes from. and yes, i do watch family guy.

anyway, i really don’t have a lot of hot buttons, but one thing that really grinds my gears is when people pick on pastors. even if i don’t know them. i think it has a lot to do with being a PK myself, and it is really easy for me to get defensive…

there have been a lot of news stories both nationally and locally about how some pastors “live” - and whether or not they lead lavish, luxurious lives (this post is already full of alliterations…yikes!)

so my little analytical brain started formulating and calculating “what is excess?” and “what is living extravagantly?”

let’s compare two very different scenarios. we will assume all parties are involved in vocational ministry and i am using dallas housing costs and the same percentage down and interest rates for the numbers.

scenario 1: we have a young married couple who live in a 1800 sq ft home which cost $160,000. they pay $800/month for their mortgage. that would mean that there is approximately 900 sq ft/person and the cost of living is approximately $400/person/month.

scenario 2: we have a married couple with three children who live in a 3000 sq ft home which cost $325,000. they pay $1600/month for their mortgage. that would mean there is approximately 600 sq ft/person and the cost of living is approximately $320/person/month.

Q: of the two above scenarios, who is living more extravagantly?
A: you can’t freaking tell, so stop wasting your time and move on.

SERIOUSLY. there is no way on this earth to measure that. you can look up how much a house cost and how big it is, but you can’t and won’t be the judge of whether or not a person is being god-honoring or not with their money. yes, pastors (and christians) should be (and will be held) responsible for what they have been given. but just because a pastor has a nice car, a plane, or a big house doesn’t necessarily mean anything.

maybe they live on 10% of their salary. maybe any ancillary income they have (speaking/books) goes 100% back into ministry and kingdom work. i know pastors who do all of the above. and on top of that they’re humble and don’t go around flaunting how much money they actually don’t take home.

i personally know a pastor with a plane (which the church did not pony up for) and i can tell you that plane has saved a heck of a lot of the church’s money in travel as he willingly uses it for church related things. but when most people hear “pastor so and so has a plane” their minds go immediately to how much of an extravagance that plane must be. when actually, it is the complete opposite. he flew chris and me (for free) so we could visit some out of state friends who were coming out of a crisis. he is an extravagantly generous person.

we will never be able to judge, nor is it our job to. so please, let’s just move on to the things that matter, shall we?

so there is my annual rant. i hope you have enjoyed your stay.

“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.” ~Henry David Thoreau

referring back to my previous post…i am guilty of this. this totally kicked me in the pants when i read it yesterday.

you?

i can’t cook. plain and simple.

last christmas, i decided i would try and impress my family with my amazing culinary skills. i purchased a boxed cake, a christmas tree shaped aluminum cake pan, some frosting, and some sparkly sprinkles. surely i could succeed at something that only required 2 eggs and a little bit of water.

have you ever seen a cake explode and implode at the same time?

i’m not sure how it happened, but it did. my rachael ray facade rapidly disappeared. my family would have to live without a beautiful christmas tree cake.

so this weekend i was thinking about the cake, and why i even felt a need to present myself as a gifted cake-maker. i wanted to be something i am clearly not in order to be perceived as something i wanted to be. and as we are slowly preparing for the move, i’ve noticed out of all my new-state, new-job moves, our upcoming move to OKC is producing a few more butterflies in my stomach than any other time i’ve moved (which has been a LOT.)

maybe it’s because i am still desperately searching for my tribe. the feelings since writing that have only intensified. maybe it’s because i’m terrified of letting people get to know the real me. i love getting to know other people, but i tremble at the thought of someone really getting to know me. i fear rejection. i fear failure.

aesop said,

“It is easy to be brave from a safe distance.”

most of you are far, far away. so i can share these thoughts with you and shut off my computer.

but things are going to be changing soon. it’s a little weird knowing how many of you OKC people read this blog. so i am going to throw a challenge out at you.

don’t let me hide. because i will try.

and please don’t ask me to bake a cake for you either…

my team is made up of five, full time guys ranging from the mid twenties to the mid thirties. not by my choosing, mind you - simply fate at this point. oh, and me. little, girly me.

for future reference purposes, i will identify them as boss man, new guy, corn allergy guy, plastic wrapper guy, and mullet man.

last week, we took new guy out to lunch. new guy has read my blog, read my articles, including “dirty girls: the new porn addicts.”

however, the rest of my team doesn’t know he has.

as corn allergy guy (who is obviously allergic to corn) eats his sans-corn salad (while the rest of us eat our tacos), boss man says,

“does new guy know the corn story?”

corn allergy guy says nothing. we all look at him. he keeps chomping his lettuce.

then he says,

“what? you were talking to me? i thought you said porn story and i was waiting for anne to answer.”

cricket, cricket.

corn allergy guy looks like he feels badly for blurting out a potentially sensitive subject.

mullet man and plastic wrapper guy look wide-eyed at each other, then back at me. boss man starts choking on his burrito.

will i be embarrassed? am i ready to share this deep, dark secret with the new guy? is new guy about to run out scared because the conversation has suddenly turned from food to porn?

new guy and i bust out laughing. i tell them he knows all about my porn story.

everyone laughs, relieved.

i know i’m only here for another two months, but will somebody please send some estrogen?!

boys…

is it christmas yet?

when do your lights go up?

from ananova.com

A Bosnian couple are getting divorced after finding out they had been secretly chatting each other up online under fake names.

Sana Klaric, 27, and husband Adnan, 32, from Zenica, poured out their hearts to each other over their marriage troubles, and both felt they had found their real soul mate.

The couple met on an online chat forum while he was at work and she in an internet cafe, and started chatting under the names Sweetie and Prince of Joy.

They eventually decided to meet up - but there was no happy ending when they realised what had happened.

Now they are both filing for divorce - with each accusing the other of being unfaithful.

Sana said: “I thought I had found the love of my life. The way this Prince of Joy spoke to me, the things he wrote, the tenderness in every expression was something I had never had in my marriage.

“It was amazing, we seemed to be stuck in the same kind of miserable marriages - and how right that turned out to be.

“We arranged to meet outside a shop and both of us would be carrying a single rose so we would know the other.

“When I saw my husband there with the rose and it dawned on me what had happened I was shattered. I felt so betrayed. I was so angry.”

Adnan said: “I was so happy to have found a woman who finally understood me. Then it turned out that I hadn’t found anyone new at all.

“To be honest I still find it hard to believe that the person, Sweetie, who wrote such wonderful things to me on the internet, is actually the same woman I married and who has not said a nice word to me for years.”

That really sucks.

i was twenty four years old. a girl. and was getting offered the title of “director” in the southern baptist church i worked at. i would be one of the few women with that title, and by far the youngest. my salary would also increase, as would my oversight of several key teams: communications & media.

internally, i was facing a dilemma. my current position was a support staff role in student ministry. i loved working with my team - we had the most unique chemistry i’ve ever experienced. my direct supervisor was the student pastor, and it was like i could read his mind. i was truly his right hand person. the ministry had developed such momentum and i had formed some very special relationships with some of the high school girls over the couple of years i had been involved.

but…director?
but…more money?
but…more influence?

i’d have my own office. my own budgets. my own credit card.

being a list-maker, i wrote down the pros and cons of each position. reading over them now, i can see how my true intent of wanting to be the youngest female staff person in leadership tainted my decision making.

i took the director position.

and it was the worst decision i have ever made in my entire life.

three years later, i can see how much i stepped off the path of how god made me so i could pursue a sweet sounding title on a business card and a status which i thought proved my worth.

sure, i can be a leader. i can take charge. i can delegate and direct. but he has specifically designed me to be in a supporting role, and it’s in that supporting role where god uses my gifts, talents, and passions the best.

for his name.
not mine.

jud writes,

“You may have no say over the organizational chart in the business you work for, but you do have the ability to serve others each day. Every person wants to be known and loved. What would happen if you stopped to talk to three people each day and asked them about their lives? Do you know the dreams of your co-workers and friends? Do you know their frustrations? Do you know their strengths? Have you thought about how you could help them win?

These kinds of questions cripple the High and Mighty Assassin. They lead to the release of sharing power and influence instead of the hording of it. They move people from following us positionally to following us relationally. This is servant leadership at its best.”

regardless of my title, i have to ask myself “what’s my position?” am i serving god and others in the best possible way now? or do i feel like a leadership role before i can lead?

=====

(if you’ve enjoyed this series, you must get the book “deadly viper character assassins.” seriously. now.)

in three years, i went from debt free to $40,000 in the hole. i was only twenty years old. i didn’t know about credit reports or collection agencies but i found out about them really quickly after i stopped paying my credit cards on time. none of that debt was school loans either - just a really pretty mustang convertible and a few credit cards on which i paid the electric bill at nordstrom.

granted, this time period is what i call my “dark years.” my head wasn’t on straight, i was making far more money than any twenty year old should make, and i had a lot of people to impress.

or so i thought.

the bling bling assassin doesn’t bother hiding in our culture. in fact, he walks down our perfectly manicured streets like he owns them, stopping by to chat with us like a friendly neighbor would. he makes shiny things shinier. he turns needs into wants.

don’t get me wrong. it’s not wrong to have nice things. but when you fear not having them or fear losing them, it shows your faith is in what’s parked in your garage or your checking account and not in the One who gave them to you.

chris and i are facing a potentially scary future. except for a couple years left on our cars, we will be entirely debt free in just a couple of months. i know if we don’t make a plan now, all of this disposable income would be completely wasted on stupid stuff that doesn’t matter. so we are in the midst of discussing how much we can give away.

we are already sponsoring one child through compassion. we hope to sponsor many more. a percentage of mad church disease profit will go to compassion, and another percentage will be invested right back into kingdom work through our church. we are trying to think of other creative ways we can give away what we don’t need.

on a side note, i think the bling bling assassin also hangs out in our church staff meetings. in the last five years, i’ve probably talked with hundreds and hundreds of pastors. so much of what is communicated in the western church culture is the keeping up with the jones’ mindset, except the jones family is that shiny new church you took your team to and drooled over their awesome lights, their “off the hook” youth center, and their amazing stainless steel accents.

i cannot tell you how many times i have heard, “if we only had what so-and-so had, we could really reach more people.”

ummmmm.

no.

no, no, no.

to close - from the book,

“So ask yourself. How satisfied are you with your income, house size, or possessions? How many times during the day do you think about what you want versus what you could give? How much personal value or self worth do you find in what you own? What percentage of your income are you giving away to help others?”

(that isn’t rhetorical. do some thinking. write down how many times a day you are lusting after that _______ you don’t have that you really really want. take a look at your bank account online. where’s that money going? for us…we eat out way too much. it’s quite sickening, really).

BONUS LINK: What Would Jesus Buy? (From Supersize Me Producer Morgan Spurlock)

let’s set the mood.

dim the lights. light those overly-scented vanilla candles. cue some marvin gaye.

boom chicka wah wah.

it’s time for a little friday love.

now, i don’t know about you, but if there is one area in my life i could rewind it would be my love life. i was about to say sex life, but that wouldn’t necessarily be true.

the assassin of boom chicka wah wah isn’t really about sex, per se.

to quote the greats,

“One of the things we’ve discovered as we reflect on conversations with thousands of people about sex is that sexual missteps are rarely about sex. They’re really about our desire for a deep, meaningful, and powerful connection with someone…Dodging the Boom Chicka Wah Wah assassin isn’t really about dodging sex, then. It’s about nurturing the right relationships.”

about a year and a half ago, i shared my story of pornography addiction. part of that journey was me realizing that one of the driving factors of my addiction was my lack of real, human connection. it was the same disconnect that i medicated by becoming physically involved with more people than i care to admit in my late teens and early twenties.

there was a big, fat emptiness inside my heart that i thought only true love could fill.

not so, grasshopper.

even after being happily married to the greatest guy on earth there are times when my heart still feels that emptiness. and i know if i am not careful, i could screw it all up.

i could cheat on my husband.

why? because i’m human. and so are you.

“Sexuality is powerful and mysterious. It is not quite tame in any of us. We must honestly respect its influence in our lives.”

maybe you’re dealing with the regrets of your past. maybe there’s something in your life now that you know isn’t what god’s intended for you sexually. or maybe you’re in a good spot right now.

do you have a plan?

a plan to deal with the past…like…accepting grace.
a plan to deal with the now…like…accepting grace.
a plan to protect the future…like…accepting grace.

it doesn’t matter where you’re at. you need his grace. and he is ready to pour it over you. he is ready to pour his grace all over your past memories, your current shame, and your future plans.

why?

because he loves you.

he really, really loves you.

so…do you have a plan?

when i learned that the deadly viper book (which if you haven’t yet, buy it here, now!) had a chapter in it on burnout, i was thrilled! if you’re new here, i’m working on a book which talks about healing from and preventing burnout in the western church culture. burnout is a rarely discussed topic and one that seems to be so prevalent in our society today. not just in the church, but everywhere.

being a type-a personality, a first born, a perfectionist, and well, just me - i have a tendency to fall into the danger zone when it comes to burnout. a little over two years ago, it landed me in the hospital for a week and consequently out of work for an additional three weeks to sort through my brain’s meltdown. it was not a pretty sight.

since then, chris and i have established some boundaries when it comes to work, freelance, writing books, and speaking. something the book says which i wholeheartedly agree with is

YOU HAVE TO LEAD YOURSELF.

for me, leading myself means saying no. and sometimes saying no disappoints people.

They write,

that is where it gets me. i hate disappointing people. i want to be all things to everyone - the best wife, the sharpest employee, the most considerate friend, the most giving family member, and the most effective communicator.

and then i realize; all those things are about me. ME ME ME. nothing about bringing glory to god. nothing about even desiring to grow in my relationship with christ. obviously, i do…but it gets so easily shoved to the bottom of the list when i feel i have to do all these things.

through both “some time on the couch” and through a “coach” type of person, i have realized my need to DO-DO-DO all the time is because i feel like i must.

confession: i am very insecure. and in order to find my security, i think i have to fill my life up with all these really great things. funny thing is i’ve been filling and filling and filling for the last ten years and i’m still just as empty as i was when i graduated.

but with some intentionality…

slowly, i’ve been able to simplify.

slowly, i’m juggling fewer balls, and i’m juggling the ones i have better.

slowly, i’ve been sleeping better, relaxing more, and prioritizing my relationship with christ.

what about you? are you hanging on by a very thin thread - ready to snap at any moment? do you have some margin built into your life? what areas do you need to reevaluate in order to be healthy?