corn and porn
November 8th, 2007 @ 3:06 pm
my team is made up of five, full time guys ranging from the mid twenties to the mid thirties. not by my choosing, mind you - simply fate at this point. oh, and me. little, girly me.
for future reference purposes, i will identify them as boss man, new guy, corn allergy guy, plastic wrapper guy, and mullet man.
last week, we took new guy out to lunch. new guy has read my blog, read my articles, including “dirty girls: the new porn addicts.”
however, the rest of my team doesn’t know he has.
as corn allergy guy (who is obviously allergic to corn) eats his sans-corn salad (while the rest of us eat our tacos), boss man says,
“does new guy know the corn story?”
corn allergy guy says nothing. we all look at him. he keeps chomping his lettuce.
then he says,
“what? you were talking to me? i thought you said porn story and i was waiting for anne to answer.”
cricket, cricket.
corn allergy guy looks like he feels badly for blurting out a potentially sensitive subject.
mullet man and plastic wrapper guy look wide-eyed at each other, then back at me. boss man starts choking on his burrito.
will i be embarrassed? am i ready to share this deep, dark secret with the new guy? is new guy about to run out scared because the conversation has suddenly turned from food to porn?
new guy and i bust out laughing. i tell them he knows all about my porn story.
everyone laughs, relieved.
i know i’m only here for another two months, but will somebody please send some estrogen?!
boys…
Dangit
Crystal Renaud said,
November 8, 2007 at 3:21 pm
boys…
exactly. i know the joys of being the only girl on a team.
Kenyon said,
November 8, 2007 at 3:24 pm
Funny! I am quite sure that they will all miss moments like that when you leave. Of course, I’ll never be able to speak nor read the word “corn” the same ever again. Thanks for ruining such a sweet innocent starch.
DetzelPretzel said,
November 8, 2007 at 3:26 pm
Ah yes…you gotta love those uncomfortable PORN moments.
I have been the guy at our church who brings this topic into the light most often…since I’ve been known to do that everyone always looks at me whenever the word “porn” is mentioned. I think it might be my sir name.
How the heck is someone allergic to corn? That would suck especially hard for me…I love corn related everything.
Questions:
* Can he eat candy corn or does he have a phantom allergy to that?
* What happens when he sees a cornucopia?
* How about the band Korn?
* Does popcorn have all it’s allergic properties blown out of it when it pops?
* What if he lived in Iowa or Illinois…would he die?
lynse leanne said,
November 8, 2007 at 3:33 pm
hahahhahahaha!!!!!
that is a great story…kind of like the iPhone lunch…
corn - porn all one in the same…. ;)
Michael Sainz said,
November 8, 2007 at 3:42 pm
I loved it. I also love when people share those moments where its awkward but also important to share. Sadly, most people don’t. It’s a breath of fresh air, Anne.
Jules said,
November 8, 2007 at 3:58 pm
Yes, A W K W A R D.
But, I would like to hear the corn story. Do tell..
nicky said,
November 8, 2007 at 3:59 pm
too funny! weirdly enough, my small group also has a corn porn story too. one of the guys was from a farm in nebraska and we are all big city people. so he was for some reason explaining de-tasseling corn to us and all this talk about female and male parts of the corn and it sounded…well, very sexual. so one of the girls said, “sounds like corn porn.” we all burst out laughing. random, huh!?
corn allergy guy said,
November 8, 2007 at 4:02 pm
DetzelPretzel,
1. How exactly is one allergic to any one thing? And, too, the fact that you used “heck” to express the incogibability of this natural, hereditary disposition was both calumnious and unnecessary.
2. Though this comment brims with patronizing jest, the presence of corn syrup as either the primary or secondary ingredients among many in candy corn obviously negates your attempt at humor.
3. Indeed, I can look at a cornucopia without acquiring hives on my cheek, though out of sensitivity for my condition (God, bless them) my family has used other cash crops to identify the symbol: wheatucopia, tobaccoucopia, cottonucopia. i thought cottonucopia was most fun to say, anyway.
4. Jonathan Davis and Brian “Head” Welch were an essential part of my eighth grade existence. Based on Korn’s timeless talent, it is unfathomable to imagine an allergy - even one this serious - to devalue their legacy.
5. During my sixth grade year, I wanted to show some of some new friends (for whose acceptance I deeply longed) just how adventurous I was to take in the soft, gold morsels in to my mouth. I began with the assumption implicit in your question, and I ended up with a headache, some hives, and a set of throbbing red ears.
6. Should that question really be limited only to corn-allergy-sufferers? But, the answer is yes.
jimmy paravane said,
November 8, 2007 at 4:12 pm
All I know is I will never look at corn on my iPhone at work again…
Kyle P. said,
November 8, 2007 at 4:24 pm
Can you imagine what this world would be like if we were allergic to porn like some people are allergic to corn? The people who own stock in Benadryl would be bankrolling!
DetzelPretzel said,
November 8, 2007 at 4:54 pm
Corn Allergy Guy
More Questions:
* What if you get stuck in a maze. Could your brain possibly confuse this maze with the maize that will harm you?
* Did you know that you can safely eat Goldfish Crackers?
* Have you ever heard of a family friendly game called “Corn Hole” or “Corn Toss”? I promise you this is extremely popular where I live and not it’s not dirty in any way. - http://www.cornpentry.com
* Are you a fan of http://www.cornallergens.com/ ?
* What’s the worst corn related “mess-up” you’ve ever made?
Andy from ‘The Office’ is my least favorite character…I bet you hate him even more than me. He went to Cornell.
Anne Jackson said,
November 8, 2007 at 4:57 pm
these questions are nothing short of amazing.
Tony said,
November 8, 2007 at 5:38 pm
“what? you were talking to me? i thought you said porn story and i was waiting for anne to answer.â€
you know - you have much more grace than most-I would have decked the little moron - or at least waved at him
some things are funny - some are not his actins were not funny, cute, or in any way appropriate - did you make a joke a bout the size of his errr - brain? oh, that’s right he’s a coworker and you’re a woman among men
OK, I will - corn allergy guy - you are a moron
Anne Jackson said,
November 8, 2007 at 6:36 pm
Aw, Tony. It’s really okay. I write about it. I speak about it. Most of our staff members who are my peers have read the article.
It’s actually something that we’ve talked about as a team before (the article) and prayed about as a team before (that it would reach people)…and corn allergy guy really meant it innocently because it’s not something that is so taboo.
:-)
Girl Gone Wild said,
November 8, 2007 at 6:57 pm
Anne, this post is extremely humorous, but Pretzel guy and Corn dude just about send it over the edge…
…I see why you’re moving to Oklahoma! :-)
clay said,
November 8, 2007 at 10:49 pm
i literally laughed out loud when i read this post. hilarious.
candice said,
November 9, 2007 at 1:08 am
BAHAHAHAHAHAWAAHHHHH!
i love you, anne! :)
Krysta said,
November 9, 2007 at 2:15 am
classic!
corn allergy guy said,
November 9, 2007 at 8:02 am
wow, tony.
ouch.
Anne Jackson said,
November 9, 2007 at 8:33 am
corn allergy guy -
i’ll bring you some nice corn muffins for breakfast to cheer you up.
wait.
dangit.
i’ll bring you a water.
corn allergy guy said,
November 9, 2007 at 8:34 am
detzelpretzel,
i don’t understand your question concerning the maze, but i do think you bring up a good point. even words similar to corn or its close relatives [maize, et. al.] i typically omit from my everyday language in an effort to avoid any possibility for outbreak. i consider proximity to the grain [though there is a substantial amount of debate concerning the validity of corn's place in that category] in any measure dangerous.
i am certainly now a fan of cornallergens.com. it’s not only beautiful because she addresses all of the major concerns faced by those with an allergy to the starch, but also because it brings the issue into the personal realms: that though the allergy is undoubtedly a constituent of our identity, it does not define it. thank you for the wonderful resource.
i thoroughly enjoy goldfish, especially now that they are now offered in whole grain, pretzel, calcium-fortified, starfish-shaped, and rainbow colors [with the same great cheddar taste, of course]!! too, they always taste much better if they’re your roommate’s and he’s out of town.
worst corn related mess up? though i typically display resilience in mexican food restaurants, where 75% of everything prepared contains some variety or derivative of corn, chips and salsa are a weak area for me. one night i took to two whole baskets of the yellow fellas, without the thought in mind that i’d be presenting a paper on Syneidisis and the Theology of Paul for critique immediately the next morning. let’s just say a swelled-shut-throat, squinty eyes, and that huge red itchy thing on my face offered very little towards a ’scholarly’ presentation. if i ever find the VHS cassette on which this fateful day was documented, i will see to its complete destruction.
though i do have a particular affinity for the name Andy, he’s also my least favorite character on the Office, and his alma mater had nothing to do with it. i will take that into consideration though.
Detzel, thank you again for your helpful resources and willingness to engage dialogue about this disparaging condition in a manner marked with meaning, purpose, and grace.
Tony said,
November 9, 2007 at 8:37 am
it goes to the “there’s a time and place for everything” thing. anne has laid it out on the line for all to see (something 99.9% of Christians would never, ever do) and the issue should be always handled with velvet gloves - gently and compassionately unless anne chooses to make light of the situation
making fun or being cute is just not cool
with that said - smacking corn allergy guy on a public forum is no better either
my apologies
corn allergy guy said,
November 9, 2007 at 8:38 am
Anne,
if i remember correctly, plastic wrapper guy stocked the cutting-room fridge yesterday with a bounty of bottles. how kind are both of you! now this is a team who builds one another up in love.
corn allergy guy said,
November 9, 2007 at 8:51 am
In all seriousness, though, Tony, Anne mentioned that my comment was out of innocence. Due to the fact that our offices share a wall, and the amount of day-to-day interaction our team shares, as well as our knowledge of the happenings here at flowerdust, contextual apropos can become somewhat grey (re: there’s a time and place for everything). that’s not to say it should be devalued one bit, and i completely understand that i was at fault in this situation. It is my desire to move and act with compassion, but i’ll be the first to admit i accidentally forget to take my velvet gloves from the glove compartment on occasion.
that said, neither “making fun [n]or being cute” were motives behind my saying it. most certainly not.
boss man said,
November 9, 2007 at 10:36 am
boss man wants to make it very clear that the pretzel dude is not on the team and that corn allergy guy is officially on probation (from what I have no idea)…
he also wishes to make it known that he hates the monikor “boss man” and is taking steps to strike that title from the record…
how flowerdust could ever leave this environment we have no idea!?!?
Anne Jackson said,
November 9, 2007 at 10:40 am
i guess i could always say boss woman? :)
Jenn said,
November 9, 2007 at 10:43 am
You know, I hadn’t read your article (apparently I’ve been hanging out in the dark ages as of late)… but it was phenomenal. Thank you for articulating that!
And I would have cracked up at the table. :)
DetzelPretzel said,
November 9, 2007 at 11:01 am
How did I get cut from the team already?
I didn’t even get my first paycheck. Dangit. This always happens to me. It’s because I smell like a cowboy isn’t it? I’m telling you, my wife’s grandma gets me Stetson every year for Christmas. I can’t just throw it away. You are so wasteful.
Here are some facts about being more environmentally friendly boss man aka Wastely McWasterson:
* Green people are not martians.
* In Copenhagen, bicycles have overtaken cars.
* Small is the new big.
* Compost has nothing to do with blog entries.
* Pollution is Batman’s newest super-villain.
So there are some things to think about next time you decide to be so unfriendly to God’s planet.
andrew said,
November 9, 2007 at 11:56 am
that graphic is hilarious. now i know why you’re paid to do what you do.
gina said,
November 9, 2007 at 2:40 pm
k… i just love the post title
DrLiz said,
November 9, 2007 at 5:10 pm
The Fall 2007 issue of ‘Going Bonkers?’ magazine has an appropriate and very funny cartoon related to this topic. In the cartoon, Mom tells the kid at the dinner table, “It’s okay to mix peas and corn, but don’t call it ‘porn’”.
You can find the cartoon and other funny cartoons by the same artist (and copyright use information) at http://www.glasbergen.com.
chris g said,
November 9, 2007 at 11:32 pm
hi anne
lynse leanne said,
November 9, 2007 at 11:43 pm
ok seriously, kept my day going….i was on here enough to get fired.
Jordan Like the River said,
November 10, 2007 at 11:40 am
I love the graphic that kicks this off.
(And everything else too.)
Melissa said,
November 11, 2007 at 8:34 pm
Anne…girl, I feel your pain!!! Atleast you could laugh about it and write it off as just one of those incredibly amazing “Bonding” moments with the “guys”!
Avery said,
November 12, 2007 at 12:22 pm
Anne…
The title of this blog cracked me up… you are a great story teller, and I thank God for what He has done in your life…
Someday I am going to share what He has done, because I have met young ladies while sharing the gospel struggling with some of the struggles you have had, and now I have a place to send them to for help…
Paul said,
November 12, 2007 at 2:05 pm
corny porn, now that is funny :)
Rindy said,
November 12, 2007 at 11:02 pm
As the only female in my house with 3 teen sons—oh….I can so relate!! ;)
Anjuan said,
November 13, 2007 at 1:48 pm
I am so impressed by your ability to be so open when it comes to porn and how it truly affects our society, especially the Church. I mostly follow tech related blogs, but I will definitely add you to my list of daily blog checks. It sounds like you have a great team of guys to work with!
Becca said,
November 18, 2007 at 3:41 am
One heck of a story. One heck of a story. haha.