FlowerDust.net

i know, i know, i had to pick 7…lame. :)

7. when something good happens, don’t try and figure out why. just accept it!
6. writing a book is really really hard work.
5. just when you think you’re comfortable, get ready for stuff to shake up!
4. take chances.
3. if someone doesn’t like you, tough cookies.
2. you can always find something positive to say.
1. shut up and listen.

you?

sorry things have been slow lately…i have some posts scheduled to go up this coming week, but it’s been a little crazy with the move. we’ve made it after hitting only a little traffic…are totally digging the new place (even though we are sans couch/loveseat for a while…)

anyway, here’s to the end of 2007…and the beginning of 2008. thank you all for being a part of this…you rock!

what’s your favorite flowerdust post of 2007?

an apartment full of boxes somewhere in dallas…chris and anne are discussing final moving things, including the new living room furniture they picked out last week.

chris: so, when is our furniture getting delivered?

anne: um…i thought you said we were going to wait until we moved up there to order it…

chris: yeah, i said that, but i thought you’d get it anyway!

anne: (mouth hangs open overdramatically)…i was just being a submissive wife! i’m not going to spend a bunch of money without us being on the same page.

chris: i just assumed that what i say has no meaning!

anne: so you want me to order it?

chris: it would nice to have furniture when we get there.

lesson: wives, don’t be submissive to your husbands. evidently what they say has no meaning…

“christians like info porn”

one of my friends, who’s been working in research and statistics for the last decade or so, wrote that in an email to me.

what led us to that conversation were some statistics many of us have seen before. i know i have, and i was hoping to use them in my book. but having been recently influenced by my brilliant stats-minded friend, i knew i had to track down the source and make sure it was indeed scientific and unbiased before claiming it gospel truth.

the stats i was looking up:

1500 ministers leave the ministry each month due to moral failure, burnout, or contention
50% of pastors’ marriages will end in divorce
80% feel unqualified and discouraged
50% would leave ministry but fear they couldn’t make a living
70% constantly fight depression
40% have had an extramarital affair while in ministry
70% say their only time reading the Bible is when they prepare sermons

i looked around and was able to track most of them down to an informal survey focus on the family did. sounds legit, right?

not so.

the survey was conducted at seminars for pastors/marriages. something i’ve learned in the course of writing mad church disease is just because you have a group of people answer questions, well, that doesn’t make it real research.

unfortunately, these stats cannot be considered accurate for a couple of reasons:

-it’s not a representative sample. the group is pastors who went to a FOF event. totally idiosyncratic.
-the wording of the questions are biased. and grouped. you can’t ask if they feel something AND something.

it would be like getting a group of 20 and 30 year old pastors together and then saying a majority of pastors are young. that’s just not the way statistics are done.

97% of christians get 80% of their stats from unreliable sources, and 73% of them will pass it on as truth. and yes, that whole sentence was a bunch of bull. christians like info porn!

moral of the story? take a stand against info porn. don’t spread bad stats!

on another note, i do have some scientific research that was conducted legitimately. and because i want you to wait a year and buy the book, i won’t put it up just yet… :)

but please let me say…things are not as bad as they may seem.

on top of the merryment of christmas festivities, chris and i are moving this week! i’m not sure how much i’ll be around…family stuff, cleaning out my office, and one final mavs game on thursday night. HOLY SMOKES!

so, i’ve never done this before, but i thought i’d highlight a few posts for you to visit…some of my favorites from days past.

perfecting the art of not being a perfectionist

can i get a witness?

three reasons i’ll fancy your feed

three reasons i’ll ditch your feed

searching for my tribe

a week of deadly vipers

AND…some REALLY old stuff:

weekend thought: superman’s dead

pretty woman: my battle with beauty and the beast

%*@%^!

cindy wraps it up…

Better Than New

I remember telling my husband many, many weeks after his confession something that he couldn’t believe. We had been walking out our new life the best we knew how. We had embraced our new surroundings and jobs. We had begun to heal. And I told him that if I had the choice to go back to our old life, that I wouldn’t do it. He was pretty surprised to hear me say that. I mean, after all the pain his actions caused me, here I am telling him that I’m thankful that I endured it so that we could have what we have now.

Our pastor, Craig, preached to our congregation at the Edmond Campus about Chris’ confession and told them “we are going to believe God that they will be better than new”. He wasn’t kidding. Neither were they. We are so better than new. We are better than we ever imagined. We are better than anybody thought we’d ever be.

Chris and I are best friends and our marriage is blessed with an increasing passion for each other. (Ahem) We have had countless opportunities to minister to couples and individuals who are walking through similar challenges. (I expect this to increase as I’ve recently finished writing a book of a more detailed account of our journey.) Chris’ son has become one of the greatest blessings to our family. My relationship with his mother is so extraordinary that many jaws hit the floor when I describe it. Chris’ influence and impact at LifeChurch.tv continues to humble him as he never thought he’d ever participate in ministry again. Most importantly, my heart is full. My cup runneth over. I have a man who adores me and isn’t afraid to show it. And my trust in him is growing daily.

There are many things I don’t know in life. I don’t understand algebra. Just don’t get all that abstract math. I don’t get how a heavy airplane can stay up in the sky and not fall to the ground. I know it’s about jets and thrust and stuff like that, but it still doesn’t make sense to me. I wish I knew why innocent people have to suffer. If I did, I’d bottle up the formula to fix their problems and give it away. Don’t know lots of things.

But, here’s what I do know.

According to the Bible, I serve a big God. He created the Universe in less than a week. He formed mountains and scooped out valleys with His hands. He is everywhere, all the time. He can change a heart with the snap of his fingers. He can bring sight to a blind man with some dirt and saliva. He can part a sea and allow his people to cross on dry land. He can make walls fall down with the blast of a trumpet. He can keep a man from being eaten by lions. He can bring forth a child through a virgin. He can turn a Pharisee into a martyr for Christ. He can transform a fisherman into a minister of the gospel. He brings peace that no one can explain. He is truly a remarkable God. My marriage is living proof.

I remember asking God one day how He was going to take this awful situation and use it for His good (Romans 8:28). Tears were streaming down my face and I had no idea how I would survive this. God spoke ever so gently to my heart and here is what He said:

God: Remember when you told me that you would go through anything in order to bring glory to my name? Me: Uh-huh, sniff, sniff.
God: I’m taking you up on your offer.

Trust Him.

He is faithful and loving and kind and tender and good and miraculous and
amazing. He will carry you when you can walk no more and He will strengthen you when you need to make the journey. He is true to His word and will do what He says he is going to do. I promise because He promises and He does not disappoint.

Comments Here

“why would you move to oklahoma? they gave their land away! how dumb is that?” - wes

…and my favorite:

“so, will your teepee have electricity?” - christy

god’s grace is nothing short of amazing!

Let the Healing Begin

The morning I woke up to head back to Oklahoma from Texas was the first morning in weeks that peace was upon me. Actually, peace covered me like a blanket and let me tell you, it was well received. While it was only a few weeks in the pit of despair, it felt like a lifetime.

Chris greeted us with open arms and a warm home. He’d spent that week grieving himself and hoping his wife would return to give it another shot. We were about to embark on the most difficult road ever…the road to healing and restoration.

While there were plenty who were skeptical of Chris’ heart, he proved to be the real deal. Many men in his situation might have waited to find a “better” job…one more comparable to his previous one. Chris, on the other hand, only wanted to provide for his family doing whatever was necessary. He began selling 2X4’s at a local home improvement store and did that successfully for 18 months.

It is not by accident that I landed a part-time position at LifeChurch.tv just six weeks after Chris’ resignation. I was around the lead pastors on a daily basis and I’m sure my face was a litmus test as to the condition of our marriage. Not only that, but these amazing men and our congregation, led by our senior pastor, Craig Groeschel, supported and loved us from day one. Many ministers who fall into this type of sin end up next to the curb. Even though it was difficult, my pastor and friend took the narrow road for which I am forever grateful.

Chris began to build back my trust in him. He was accountable to a few and never once got defensive when I needed to share how I felt. As we endured the pain and the consequences of his actions, I committed to God that I would not throw Chris’ sin back in his face. Frankly, I didn’t need to…the man lived in brokenness. And still, to this day, he has NEVER been defensive when I have asked questions or when I tell him I’m hurting. He will tell you that he is willing to spend the rest of his life working to rebuild my trust if that’s what it takes. Isn’t that amazing?

I mentioned that Chris only worked at the home improvement store for 18 months. His length of time there was only cut short by the new role that Craig offered him at LifeChurch.tv. And within a year of his new position there, he’d be leading the same campus where he fell some two and half years earlier. Talk about kicking Satan in the… I’m sorry, did I say that out loud?

We are not at the end. The restoration is progressing, but not over. We still have our days where it hurts. Days where we re-live it when others go through a similar situation. Days where we have to explain to our 8-year old why he has a brother who is not his mother’s child. And the fact that we have an amazing relationship with Chris’ son and his mom is nothing short of a modern-day miracle in itself.

Come back tomorrow. More good news is on the way.

Comments

cindy continues,

My Word From God

I needed to hear from God. The state of confusion that I lived in at this point in my life was extremely overwhelming. Many wise people in my life were telling me that I didn’t have to make a decision right away, but I couldn’t live with that. Something was calling me to get some clarity.

Noah and I journeyed six hours down I-35 to my childhood home in Georgetown, Texas. I needed someone to take care of us. That someone was my mom. Not only did she play with Noah, which allowed me time to myself, but she cooked for us and cleaned up after us and rented movies for us and took us to eat Mexican food. She’s a terrific mom.

But, she also pestered me a little. She was insistent that I go meet with her pastor, Dan Wooldridge. Because I literally had no strength, I didn’t even put up a fight.

I was surprised how comfortable I was in Dan’s presence. A true shepherd, he listened to my story and watched as tears streamed down my face. I practically begged him to tell me what he thought I should do. He did something better. Here’s what he said:

“I would respect you if you felt that you needed to remove yourself from your marriage. What you’ve endured is very hard. But, you are not a fool to stay and be a part of the redemptive work in a man’s life.”

I was and still am absolutely certain that these were the words coming my Heavenly Daddy disguised in a middle-aged Baptist minister’s voice. I knew it immediately. Nearly six years later and I still remember this quote from him…word for word.

And I’m so glad my mother was a pest :)

Comment Here

what do you think are some things that cause burnout in ministry - or in general?

cindy continues bravely sharing her story…

What Now?

Within thirty minutes, a couple of our pastors came over to our house. Their attempts to even speak were futile. I was crying, Chris was scared for his life and they sat across from us hoping they’d wake up soon. After learning the news, they left and I was alone with my husband. I hated him and I loved him and I didn’t want him near me and I wanted him to hold me. I wanted details and he reluctantly shared them. I wanted dates but he could not supply them. I wanted to know why he did this to me…to us. For that, he had an answer.

Pornography.

Seriously? I thought he struggled with looking at a few naked girls from time to time on the internet. I thought he wasn’t struggling with this very much anymore. I thought we were communicating fairly well on this subject. I thought that’s why he met with his accountability group on Fridays. I thought.

I was married to a full-blown porn addict. He explained that simply viewing images of naked women no longer appealed to him. He needed something more. His sickness grew and grew and gave birth to more repulsive desires. Eventually, after years of progression, this sin completely entangled him and he acted out.

As you can imagine, my husband’s resignation was forthcoming. Had he been employed in the corporate world, that wouldn’t have been necessary. But a pastor at a church? (You do the math.) His resignation brought even more death to my broken heart. Not only was our marriage deeply wounded and more than likely beyond repair, my ministry was lost, too. I would no longer be singing on the stage that had become my home in ministry for the past several years. No longer would I be pouring into mentoring relationships with women. Now, I was the one who needed to be ministered to. This role was not something I was accustomed to at all.

Next to our marriage being absolutely torn to shreds, the most devastating part was trying to go about some semblance of a life for the heart of our 3-year old. I tried to hide my tears from him but that was a feat far too difficult to perfect. One day he walked in on me when I was crying and said, “Why you so sad fo mommy?”

What in the world was I supposed to do.

Comment Here

and, if you’d like a little flowerdust in your day, i have a guest blog posted up at swerve. :)

before cindy and i had even exchanged one word, her story had impacted me. i’ve been good friends, close friends, practically best friends, with a handful of people in ministry who had fallen to sexual sin. it has always broken my heart how, for the most part, the churches and ministries these people had invested into kick people to the curb with a trite “jesus loves you and so do we,” leaving the broken families alone to put together the pieces of their lives.

it just isn’t right.

when i was interviewing at life, they asked if i had questions, and one of the biggest ones was, “have you ever had a ‘moral failure’ on your staff and if so, where are those people today?”

i was told the story of a pastor who confessed to several affairs, and how he was removed from his position on staff, but over the last several years, because of his repentant heart and humble spirit, has been restored and now serves as a leader on their staff.

the church family surrounded him, walked through his consequences with him, and was there to help his family heal.

the way it should be.

cindy is someone i am really looking forward to getting to know better (over diet dr. peppers at sonic). :) she is opening up her life to the public and sharing her story this week on her blog. since we are in the midst of our last week at work, and moving in a few days, i am going to be posting her story here, but closing the comments so you can interact with her on her blog.

here goes:

our story - chapter 1

The day was Tuesday. February 19, 2002, to be exact. Although my husband, Chris, had completed six weeks as the new worship pastor at our church in Edmond, Oklahoma, we’d only spent three nights in our new home. Unexpectedly, he walked through the front door at 9 somethin’ in the morning. Attempting to inch my way through a plethora of boxes, I looked up and saw the face of the man I’d loved for nearly 10 years. And the man who was soon to break my heart. Chris walked toward me and asked if we could “talk.” The look on his face said enough. Something was wrong.

After getting Noah settled watching a Blue’s Clues video, Chris motioned for me to sit on the newly purchased sofa that had arrived just 24 hours before as we were beginning our new life in a new town. My heart began to palpitate as the next several minutes consisted of him confessing to numerous affairs with numerous women from numerous places. I heard the cracking of my heart as he spoke and felt the devastation setting in almost immediately. As if that information was not enough to handle, he also informed me that one of the women was pregnant and he was pretty sure the baby was his child.

You have got to be kidding me. He was not.

Comment Here

i found out today that one of my friends back in kansas died.

his name is bart. i met him when i was overseeing communication and media at westside family church. he wanted to serve on the creative team. he had a great portfolio, and a great spirit.

bart and i fell out of touch when i moved to texas. however, over the summer, he emailed me and shared what had been going on in his life.

we emailed a couple of more times, and life just got busy.

that’s always my excuse, anyway.

a few minutes ago, crystal emailed me and let me know he had passed away. i couldn’t believe it. i had never responded to his last email.

life just got busy…

today, i was hit in the face with a harsh reality. one we all know, one we all hear, all the time.

life is short.

i now realize, with a terrible feeling in my gut, that i let life get busy.

too busy for so many things that matter. really matter.

i have wasted so much time.

i must stop.

please pray for bart’s family. leesa is his wife. they have a son, grant.

thank you all for sharing your thoughts on yesterday’s question! did you know that by responding, you all were helping me research some stuff for mad church disease? you were! so thank you again, so so much!

i’d like to take a moment to give you all an exclusive peek at chapter 2 as a token of my appreciation. enjoy! i’d love to get your thoughts…

yep. that’s it…sorry… i know. i suck. :)

“Ministry isn’t a job - it’s the outflow of your relationship with God.”

Discuss…

i wasn’t sure either.

this showed up in my gmail “suggested” advertising.

why?

(and no, i haven’t visited the site either. curiosity doesn’t provoke me that much, thank you).

nine out of ten anne jackson friends would agree: i am both competitive and a perfectionist. those characteristics can be strengths when used correctly. used irresponsibly, however, and they can beat me up faster than chuck norris on red bull.

it’s always been easy for me to confuse perfectionism and excellence. one lie many of us believe is for something to be excellent, it has to be perfect. no mistakes. after all - perfection isn’t subjective. when something is completely flawless, everyone agrees.

excellence is subjective. but generally speaking, i think we’ve been taking the idea of excellence and bending it far out of shape.

let me give an example. i was recently asked by someone to speak for a general session at a conference. i talked to a couple of friends about it, who all encouraged me to do it. i prayed about it.

i emailed the conference organizer to talk to him a little more about the opportunity. i wanted all of our expectations to be clear. he shared with me his thoughts, and then shared some of what his audience expects.

in short, based on feedback he had received through the years, his crowd expects perfection. if someone is “almost excellent,” they let him know very clearly that the person should not have been a general session speaker. i appreciated his honesty in communicating what his audience expects.

i actually kind of felt ashamed for being that audience at one time. being the one writing those notes.

although i doubt any of us are perfect at anything we do, i know for a fact i am not your typical conference speaker. i’m pretty much just me, but up on stage. a little quiet. really laid back. deliberate. not charismatic. simple. my nerves show through just a bit. (if you’ve heard me speak before, please feel free to confirm or deny my observation).

when i speak, am i pursuing excellence? yes. i try and pursue it in all i do. i pray, i prepare, i study, i practice & rehearse. however, if i were to speak at this conference, based on history, would this audience think i’m excellent? probably not.

in our church world, it’s easy for us to see something that isn’t perfect, and deem it as not being excellent.

one of the best definitions i’ve heard of excellence is doing the best you can with what you have. it is totally between you and what god does through you.

i am beginning to think that excellence has nothing to do with what other people think. or does it?

your thoughts?

edit: i put this in the comments but wanted to make sure it was clarified for those who might not read them…I have nothing but THE utmost respect for this person and the conference. I have enjoyed being an attendee before. I am totally honored they even thought of me! I was thankful we were able to clarify where he is coming from, where I was coming from and decided it wasn’t the best fit. And that is a-okay by me!

I am speaking from more of an audience standpoint. Because I have sat there and thought, “this guy does not need to be talking!” Does he? Who am I to judge??

in my head:

fact: chris and i are moving in just a couple-esque weeks
fact: our boxes are pretty much packed
fact: my calendar has never looked so full with goodbye coffees, lunches, dinners, and christmas parties
fact: i am going to miss a lot of people a lot
fact: cats like scratching boxes and ripping them to shreds
fact: there are a lot of people i can’t wait to meet - and to get to know better
fact: i went to church online today
fact: craig doesn’t do a half bad aussie accent
fact: the above fact may or may not be true :) (i kid)
fact: we need to make about twenty trips to goodwill
fact: it is cold outside, so goodwill will wait
fact: the dallas mavericks played an awesome game last night
fact: when i was in high school, i wanted to be the first woman in the NBA (this was pre-WNBA days)

all of the above thoughts went through my head in the last 120 seconds.

i need a nap.

what’s up with you?

ok, not really. i didn’t. but my blog did. yeah. huge huge huge makeover. i am still working a few bugs out (mainly for you IE users) so don’t fret if something looks weird.

but please tell me if you see something that looks like it shouldn’t…

if you would be so kind…
1) tell me if stuff works for you (click on pages, comments, leave a comment…)
2) tell me what kind of computer you’re using (mac or pc)
3) tell me what browser you’re using (firefox is highly recommended…but IE, safari, opera…whatever)

i hope you dig it! :) it was fun for me to design!

PS - things could look really freaky when you first visit, so make sure you hit “refresh” on your browser to load all the new stuff properly!

known bugs:
firefox/ie contact form & speaking request forms/sidebar issue (still functional)

warning: potentially disturbing images below, courtesy of my friend blake bergstrom. blake is the associate campus pastor at lifechurch.tv’s oklahoma city campus. and he told me i could tell you this…but he’s also famous for something else which i’ll include at the bottom of this post. don’t wanna distract from his awesome story!

you can visit blake’s blog here!

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Raising Kids and Hooking their Faces!

Didn’t God know that if we raised kids that we would jack them up? Why…why…why would God ever let us raise a child that belongs to him? God knows our hearts-the good, the bad, and the ugly, and yet his big idea is to let us raise his kids???

Just admit it…your parents jacked you up, didn’t they?

My daughter Moriah is awkward when it comes to using her hands or playing sports. Last summer she sprained her wrist and about cut her finger off in the kitchen, but my favorite story was when we went fishing in Colorado. My wife was trying to teach her, (which might have been the problem) but Moriah kept casting to the side. We were trying to get her to cast over her head, so the bait would actually make it in the water. My wife grunted real hard, gave it a really good yank, when about that time, Moriah brilliantly decided to step behind her.

I was about 10 feet away and watched the whole thing. I started to yell, my heart sank, and then it happened…my wife caught my daughter! Moriah ended up with an incredible piercing in the middle of her forehead called a fishhook…its all the new rave!

Now, check this out…What kind of a twisted father says, “honey, come here, ooohh I am so sorry that happened to you…now, please stay still while I take the picture…okay, turn to the side???” What is wrong with me? While we were walking back to the campground to doctor her up, she made the funniest comment ever. This is my favorite part of the story. (I’m telling you that I’m sick)

We were walking back and she said, “Why does this always happen to me? I sprained my wrist…I almost cut my finger off…I’ve got a hook in my head!”

Here is the hard reality, I would do anything in the world to keep my girls from being hurt. However, as hard as I try, sometimes I am the one that hurts them the most. Being a dad is really hard. I want to teach them discipline, financial responsibility, chastity, an instrument, the arts, a language, the Bible, how to swim, how to crawl, how to blow a bubble, and ride a bike. Along the way, I get frustrated, my patience snaps and then I act like my jacked up dad-j/k.

What happens is that my own sin gets in the way of showing my girls what it looks like to be a follower of Jesus. I’ll end with this quote that my wife always tells me, “Our children are the message to generations that we will never meet.”

“Father, thank you for the most horrific and wonderful responsibility on earth—raising your kids!”

I’ll give you several questions/thoughts to respond to as you feel led..

1. Do you think that Anne Jackson is equally as awkward at sports as my daughter?

4. Where else might you know Blake from? This fun little video which circulated around the internet a while back!

the lovely anna meadows is the associate youth pastor at lifechurch.tv’s nw okc campus (the same one as scott!) another lifer i am excited about meeting - and her mom rocks too! check out anna’s blog here!

i hope you all are enjoying these guest blogs - tomorrow…you will see the most disturbing photo EVER posted on flowerdust. stay tuned…you won’t wanna miss it!

==========================

“Connected to the Axis”

I love riding bikes. Right behind our church building there’s a lake with beautiful trails. The winding sidewalk butts up against a plush green golf course and when the weather permits it’s my oasis, my retrieve from the craziness of life.

Sometimes I like to take my bike around the 9 mile trail and I’ve reached a personal best time of 40 minutes.

Not bad considering I still ride a bike with streamers on the handle bars.

Okay, so I’m kidding about the streamers, but I’m not kidding about how refreshing it is. Riding gives me time to think, pray, listen, which is sometimes hard to do if I don’t make an intentional effort.

As I was riding one day I noticed something about the wheels of my bike. There’s this place in the middle called the axis and no matter how fast the wheel turns or how bumpy the road gets, this place in the middle of the wheel stays still. If it didn’t stay still the wheel wouldn’t be able to turn. All the spokes of the bike are connected to the axis and that’s what makes the wheel able to do its job.

Lately, God has been showing me that He must become the axis in my life. Like the axis on my bike wheel He has to be an unmoving, constant force in my life that every spoke, like my work life, personal life, family life, everyday life, is connected to. If He’s not, then I won’t be able to do the work He’s prepared for me to do. No matter what comes my way, or how bumpy the road gets I will be protected because I’m connected to the axis.

Is every spoke of your life connected to the axis?

How would your life look different if they were?

Today’s post comes from Scott Williams! Scott is the Campus Pastor of the NW Oklahoma City Campus of LifeChurch.tv, you can check out his blog: BigIsTheNewSmall

Church Diversity Sucks

It’s something about using the word sucks in a blog title that really gets your attention. I am not saying that “Church Diversity Sucks” for shock value, I am just stating a fact. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said it best nearly 40 years ago, when he said

“We must face the sad fact that at 11 o’clock on Sunday morning, when we stand to sing… we stand in the most segregated hour in America.”

It’s hard to believe that same statement is still true today, for both traditional “African American” and traditional “White Churches.”

The Church in general does not have a problem worshipping God with people who might not look like them; however if you put a truth serum in people, Church Diversity is one of those uncomfortable, Black Elephant in the Room topics that people really don’t want to discuss. When you talk about race or diversity, a general a non-minority response will sound something like “I don’t have a problem w/ race, I don’t even pay attention, I have a good friend who is Black, I have a pair of Black Boots, and I even have a colored TV.” Maybe not the last two LOL, but you get the drift.

It’s important for churches, ministries, church leaders and The Church to understand the difference between Embracing Diversity and Tolerating Diversity. By definition; Tolerating means: To put up with or endure without prohibition and Embracing means: To take or receive gladly, eagerly or willingly. There is a huge difference between Embracing and Tolerating Diversity; it boils down to intentionality. If we are to “go and make disciples of all nations,” we need to be intentional and Embrace Diversity.

If you are being honest, do you feel like you, your church and The Church Embraces or Tolerates Diversity? Does Church Diversity Suck? I know all of the Anne Jackson readers have plenty of opinions. Share your thoughts!

this week i am taking a break from writing on flowerdust so i can focus some of that creative energy to finishing up some stuff with mad church disease. i’ve asked a few of my friends to fill in for me.

today’s post comes from my dear friend, crystal renaud. crystal is a communications associate at westside family church in lenexa, kansas.

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thanks anne, and thank you to her readers for being ok with me bringing the quality of her blog dramatically down with my ramblings today. i was telling her when she first asked me to be a guest blogger, that i have a hard enough time thinking of things to write on my own blog let alone coming up with something extraordinary for her’s. i was reminded of an old post of my mine on the topic of “fathers” and with a little re-working, i felt it was right to post here. perhaps, too personal for a guest entry, i apologize for the length, but hopefully it will speak to those who need to read it.

Am I Pretty?

Did you ever play dress up? Did you ever say, with or without words, “Mommy, Daddy, am I pretty”? I was the youngest but not the spoiled kind. I was constantly trying to be noticed. I loved to dress up in my mom’s “fancy” clothes. You know, it was the 80s so all of my mom’s clothes had sequins and shoulder pads. Alright, so they were fancy to a 6 year old.

Every little girl asks questions — with and without words. The questions like, “Am I pretty? Do you really see me?” Every little girl and every woman longs to be delighted in. We want to be seen and enjoyed. We want to be worth pursuing, worth fighting for. It’s normal, natural and good that we long for this!

The one person a little girl looks to for answers the most is her dad. Her daddy. That’s the way God designed it. Our fathers are meant to teach us of our Heavenly Father and His complete and total love for us. From our earthly fathers we learn the answers to our questions — for good or bad. That’s a lot of pressure for you fellas, huh?

Many of us have wonderful dads who love us and have told us again and again how lovely we are. But many of us, including me, have dads who have not shown us the true face of God. We have dads who have been silent, absent or for some, unfortunately, even mean. But either way, whether we have a great dad or a dad who has deeply failed us, none of us have had perfect dads. And this is something I am learning more and more as I seek the Lord for answers to why I have the dad He gave me. Somewhere along the way growing up, some of us have stopped believing we are worthy. Somewhere along the way, our hearts heard the answers to our questions as, “No. You’re not. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Not worth fighting for.” And that is when we begin to lose heart.

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Above all else! More important than your diet, your hair (even if it is pink) or your relationships, is your heart. Your heart. From there, all the rest of your life flows.

Lots of us had dads who answered our questions well, but what if we didn’t? Where do we, as young women, take our questions? Who do we ask? Boys. Young men. Other dads. Oh yeah. We ask them. And again, with or without word. As many of you have already experienced, that’s a dangerous thing to do.

This is a direct quote from Stasi Eldredge’s Captivating, is quite similar to my own experience.

“My father never told me I was pretty. He was a hard worker, away from home much of the time, and the core question of my little girl’s heart, “Do you delight in me?” was answered with a resounding “No.” When I became a teenager, I began to bring my heart’s questions to the boys at my school. I learned what was cool to wear and how to act to gain their attention. For me, the way I felt about myself depended on them. Was I pretty today? Was I worth pursuing now? Every day my identity and self-worth were up for grabs. My questions needed answering again and again.”

Because I found guys my age immature, I took my questions to grown men. Teachers. Pastors. My friend’s dads. Married men. I was thankful for the men that were in my life who were appropriate. Who knew what I was seeking and were appropriate with me. Who gave me what I needed as if I were their daughter.

But for a few men in particular… they crossed that line. That line of appropriate. Took advantage of my vulnerability. From first initiating alone time. To their word-choice. To how they would touch me. How they made me feel as a woman… and not a little girl. They crossed that line. But so did I because I enjoyed it. I sought it out. I have since come to terms with the inappropriateness of their’s and my behavior, but I can honestly say I still struggle with needing to be affirmed. Whether that is from blog comments, being on someone’s blogroll… my hairstyle… to how my designs are critiqued at work… it all stems and roots from wanting my dad to be the daddy I wanted. And appropriately affirming me as a woman.

Lots of young women’s eating disorders (in my case, over-eating) and promiscuity (in my case porn and self-discovery) come from this same place of needing the questions of their hearts answered and making the mistake of taking their questions to the opposite sex. But the truth is, guys couldn’t supply the answers. They didn’t answer my questions, and they can’t answer yours. Only one person can speak powerfully into the very core of our hearts. And that person is Jesus.

So bring your questions to Him. Let your heart rest in His answer.

Thanks for reading…
Crystal