girls and porn
February 22nd, 2008 @ 10:02 am
because of the africa trip and all the link love we’ve been passing around, i’ve noticed there are a lot of new readers over here on flowerdust. so i’d like to say welcome! you probably think the only thing i ever write about is africa (and trust me, there are many many more posts to be written about the trip), but i wanted to share an article i wrote for relevant magazine a little over a year ago. it has absolutely nothing to do with africa, but has everything to do with the girl behind these words.
porn addiction is an ugly thing, and stats show over 1/3 of porn viewers are female - and that is just the number of women who are courageous enough to admit to it. stigmatized as a man’s problem, after this article was published, i’ve received literally hundreds of emails from women who are desperate to confess and be restored.
it’s been a few years since this monster has reared its head in my life, but that doesn’t mean i don’t think about the grace and the healing every day of my life. saying goodbye to this addiction IS possible. if you read this and it strikes a chord, please feel free to contact me. i’d love to help in any way i can.
DIRTY GIRLS, THE NEW PORN ADDICTS
The last place you’d expect to see a porno would be the living room of a pastor.
But in between my family’s Christmas portrait and a broken, dot matrix printer sat a computer screen. Little did I know the place where I typed up book reports or instant messaged my friends would also become the doorway to an endless amount of forbidden fruit—and an endless amount of guilt.
Growing up the daughter of a Baptist preacher-man, I was the 16-year-old poster child for naiveté. My family had just moved from a small, secluded west Texas town to Dallas, and within a matter of days in my new residence, I was bombarded by the prevalent sexual culture of a big city.
Strip clubs and billboards lined the highways. There was a giant sex store just a few miles from our house. Ignited teenage hormones and the temptation to give in to my curiosity proved to be a dangerous combination.
My parents and brother were fast asleep as I connected to the internet one night. I searched for the word “sex†and within seconds had access to a sea of well endowed platinum blondes doing things with guys (and girls) that I’d never seen before.
Because I lived at home and the only computer was in the living room, there weren’t many opportunities to do my “sexual education research,†but whenever I was alone, I’d quickly satisfy my interest.
I graduated from high school my junior year and moved out when I was only 17 years old. I had my own space with my own computer, and all the free time in the world. I’d go to work (at a local Christian bookstore), come home, and look at porn almost every night.
I frequented erotic chat rooms, watched movies and browsed through hundreds and hundreds of pictures. Soon my porn binges started affecting my performance at work and my relationships.
Of course I never mentioned my struggle to anyone. Looking at porn was typical, even expected, for guys but a girl? A girl who likes porn? I often questioned my sexual orientation.
Why did I like looking at naked women? Was I gay? Bisexual? A pervert? I hated what I was doing so much. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t stop.
The cycle continued for years. Binging, feeling guilty and swearing I’d never do it again, only to give in a few days later. I prayed for God to take the desires away. That’s when I realized it was more than just looking at pictures.
I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and I had more than enough pictures saved in my memory to reflect back on, even if I was able to stay off the computer for a while.
So, why do women struggle with this? Although stereotypically we’re not as visually stimulated as our male counterparts, we’re not blind either. There is something about a woman’s body that is beautiful and mysterious and even forbidden, and that toys with our psyche and tempts us.
At least for me, viewing these outwardly flawless women fed a huge emotional need. I was able to put myself in the role of what I was seeing, and by doing that, it made me feel beautiful and accepted.
I was transformed into a perfect, sexy body, and I was desired and wanted. I was able to escape my own flawed physical appearance and be transformed, in my mind, to this perfect woman.
My online activities also played out in my daily life. I was engaged for about a year and cheated on my fiancée. After that, I “dated†several new guys a month, getting physically involved with them in some regard.
According to everything I had seen, to be accepted and loved meant a sexual relationship, and what girl doesn’t need to be accepted and loved? I gave so many pieces of my body and my heart away during those years.
When I was 21, I was in a serious car accident that caused me to reevaluate how I was living my life. At the time, I was pretending like there was no God, except for when I needed His forgiveness, and only then would I come running back to Him. After the wreck, something finally clicked, and I realized that love does not equal sex.
It was at that moment when I decided to turn around—to change my thinking—and then my actions would eventually (and hopefully) follow. I had to say goodbye to my online habits, and to my offline ones as well.
It’s been close to 10 years since my first encounter with online porn, and I’d like to admit I’ve had a perfect run at purity. I wish I could say I’ve always lingered on the right thoughts or shut down the computer when the temptation got to be too much, but the truth is, I haven’t.
I’m still a girl who struggles. I’m still a girl who lives one day at a time, depending on a God whose design for sex and love is so far beyond what I could even imagine. So each and every day, I pray for God to first direct my thinking and then redirect it as necessary.
And I’m grateful that He is faithful to meet me somewhere between the mouse and the computer screen.
Sex
john in colorado said,
February 22, 2008 at 10:22 am
Anne,I really really think you should post this every month. it’s so true and so helpful. men and woman need to know that there are safe places where they can get this out in the open, be loved and find healing. healing is hard work!
i have total praise for you to continually work to help people with their struggles because sexual addiction is a HUGE problem that needs to be addressed as much as anything we do.
many blessings.
Carol said,
February 22, 2008 at 10:52 am
Incredible testimony! And you are totally non-judged or condemned for being so crystal clear and sharing. I totally commend you for being led by the Holy Spirit to write it at this time. I’m teaching a W.O.W. (Women of Worth) class twice a month at our church and of all weeks am covering addicted to porn sites this coming Sunday. For sure we are never beyond struggles…….These past two weeks I had a struggle with lonliness while my hubby took the long trip to NYC. (I’m usually a basket case because my sleep goes way off the radar screen!!! (Yikes) I just called some of our ladies and had breakfast, lunch, or supper to fill the gap and feel so much better! (He’s home now). May God bless you richly for sharing, because I know it will make you feel better, as I so experienced.
tony said,
February 22, 2008 at 11:15 am
you absolutely rock - we will meet one day in OK when my wife and I visit for LC business - (that’s a friendly warning!) I want my 15 yr old son to meet you ‘casue he wants to write and the way you lay it all out there is an inspiration to anyone.
so, please write a book on this - it’ll be fully funded from my piggybank, seriously!
you could change the world with this testimony and you work for a chuch that understands and will support you in your effort.
btw - welcome back to OKieland, Tejas misses you
Crystal Renaud said,
February 22, 2008 at 11:19 am
again, one of the greatest and most important articles ever written. i will probably use it as an intro my class on tuesday, if that’s ok?
Nathan said,
February 22, 2008 at 11:20 am
You wrote that article?!!! I remember reading that a long time ago, and it struck such a chord then, and like TV commercials, it’s rare to find a blog post or article that will stick out a year later.
I posted about this odd connection between porn and our perception of beauty here: http://nathangann.com/?p=113
But I still can’t say I have a firm grasp on why an addiction like this can have such deep roots. My experience through college was like most guys, I eventually conquered the beast, only to relapse months or weeks later.
Periodically my wife will say, “have you been good?” Usually I can say…100% yes! But geesh…those roots…they sink in deep to your soul, and I don’t know if they ever disappear?
Cheers.
Connor Mccullough said,
February 22, 2008 at 11:36 am
awesome post… thanks for being so open and honest…
beth said,
February 22, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Anne, I knew there was something about you…something GOOD underneath all this Africa love! Thanks so much for re-posting this - I’ve never encountered such honesty on this topic. It really resonates. I agree with John - re-post often. It’s a message that remains buried.
I am going to link to this from my blog if you don’t mind…
Anne Jackson said,
February 22, 2008 at 1:59 pm
thanks everyone.
and beth, i would be honored. thank you.
Tyler said,
February 22, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Relatively new reader. Just before you left for Uganda. Thanks for sharing Anne…Very powerful and authentic.
Hope said,
February 22, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Anne, thank you so very much for taking this risk to be so vulnerable. This post is awesome and touching and gently corrective. I know the struggles well. God bless you for your courage and bless Him for having blessed you.
Joe Louthan said,
February 22, 2008 at 3:30 pm
When it comes to porn and all the issues of lust, there are several themes that are consistent in the church:
1. The subject barely gets touched in the weekend services.
2. Too many people struggle with it by themselves.
With the exception of kiddos running around, if I can at all share my testimony on how God reached down and broke every single chain of lust holding me down, I will.
I was waiting for one of my worship classes to start where I got placed into a small group. One discussion lead to another and it ended up a conversation about submitting your entire will over to the Lord. I gave the group my example on what God did in my life over struggles with lust.
If you looked around, on every guy’s face was the image of hope and relief.
Everybody wants to talk about it and how they struggle with it but for some reason, our struggling with it is still taboo. Not with me. If I can talk about it, I will.
Joe Louthan said,
February 22, 2008 at 3:32 pm
That said…
God willing, one of the desires of my heart is to preach about this very subject during weekend services in any church.
I hope I get to do it for Porn Sunday this year at my church with 13,000 in attendance.
Monica said,
February 22, 2008 at 3:43 pm
I’m one of those new readers, but I’m way ahead of you Anne. I read it one of my first times here. All I have to say: ya got guts, girl, admitting that for all the ‘net to read.
may we all have the boldness to share these types of testimonies. the world - and church - need them.
I’m looking forward to reading your book too.
Christa said,
February 22, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Thank you for the courage it took to share this. I am one of your new readers. I read through the trip to Uganda and this is my first time to comment. We need more people to be willing to openly and honestly share their struggles and the freedom that can come from the Lord. In that there is hope! Thanks for sharing the hope you have found! Isn’t that part of what the church is supposed to do…to give hope to the hopeless.
chad said,
February 22, 2008 at 5:07 pm
anne, thank you for your candor. shame is such a powerful force in the church fed by secrecy. posts like this are a great reminder about the power of accountability and healthy relationships.
Marla Taviano said,
February 22, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Wow–thanks for sharing. You write beautifully. My husband was just talking about your upcoming book the other day. Can’t wait to read it.
Nic said,
February 22, 2008 at 11:36 pm
A friend sent this to me tonight, and I sit at my computer screen in tears because sometimes reality hurts. There is a struggle between the new life and the old life and sometimes the old life is so much easier than the new one.
Tyler dawn said,
February 23, 2008 at 3:24 pm
I was hooked on porn when I was just seven or eight and it was never in my home, and we didn’t have computers in the home, and hadn’t even heard of the internet when I was that age. I was writing erotica for internet groups in my late twenties and it all spiralled into an internet affair when I was 29 — the same year I met Jesus. It took years for Abba to love me out of it and deliver me from that demon. But today I am free, praise God. But I had to take issue with the first bit of your post — a pastor’s house is exactly where you should expect to find porn, I mean, why not? In the whole human scheme of things, pastors are nobody special when it comes to sin. 40% of pastors (the last time I looked) admit to being hooked on internet porn.
Natalie Witcher said,
February 25, 2008 at 9:48 pm
Thanks for your honesty. I’m glad God is bigger that all that crap out there. HE WINS! dude, he wins
Stephen Cross said,
February 26, 2008 at 9:56 am
Hey Anne,
All I know is those that have been forgiven much love much, and like my sister who has always been a goodie 2 shoes and not sinned much does not love God much and I who had much to be forgiven from, love Him a whole lot more. This might be a great generalization, but it’s been the expierence for me and a lot of those around me.
I will say this too, the right guy that the Lord sends you is worth every extra day waiting for. I have found am amaizing woman who has driven me nuts for a while, but she’s worth it and she was not my ‘default attraction’ - the certain profile that I seemed to automatically gravitate to. I would have never have looked at her twice. But the Lord had plans and now I see other great qualities that I would never have looked for before and I love her. God know’s what He’s doing !!
Steve
Luke Gilkerson said,
May 8, 2008 at 9:56 am
Hello Anne,
Thanks for the article you wrote about porn addiction for Relevant Magazine nearly two years ago. Thanks for being so honest about your struggles.
I work for a ministry called Covenant Eyes. We provide people with an accountability program on their computers that enables them to better avoid temptations on the Internet. It isn’t a filter (although we do also have a filter program). It just monitors all your surfing and sends reports to accountability partners. Its helped tens of thousands all over the world break free from porn addiction and temptations.
I’m the blog editor for Covenant Eyes and have just written a post about porn addiction among women (http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2008/05/08/not-just-a-mans-problem-women-and-porn-addiction/). I confess, its a bit academic and dry, but then being a man, I couldn’t really offer a first-person testimony on the subject. As a recovering porn addict myself, I am both hugely sympathetic to anyone who is caught in this struggle and fascinated with the psychological and spiritual dynamics of porn addiction.
The reason for my email is I would love to post your testimony on our blog. We have many daily readers who would probably love to hear your story. I thought about just posting a link to the Relevant article, but then I also wanted to hear more from you about how you started recovering from your addiction, specifically what role accountability, discipleship and the church played in your recovery. Would you be interested in writing as a guest on our blog about this?
In His Grip,
Luke Gilkerson
Covenant Eyes
http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/