pull up a chair, have a seat…
February 24th, 2008 @ 8:04 pm
so, i’ve been dealing with some stuff over the last few weeks that i haven’t really talked to too many people about. it started just a bit before africa, intensified while i was there, and has lingered around my heart since returning. los wrote a little bit about what he was experiencing tonight, so i figured, what the heck. i’ll share too.
i’m twenty-eight years old. i’ve moved thirty-two times. you can do the math. seven major school changes as a kid. and as an adult, in 2001 i left texas for kansas. in early 2006, i left kansas for texas. in late 2007, texas for oklahoma.
i know beyond a shadow of a doubt god has put chris and me here in oklahoma. no question. but, can i be completely raw with you? this has been the hardest move of my thirty-two. and there were some really difficult ones in there.
i’m not sure why. everyone here is great. we’ve been here almost two months, and we’ve had some really good times with people who have opened up their homes, kitchens, ears, and arms.
i think it really struck me watching the nashville group of bloggers that went on the africa trip interact and talk with each other (that sounds creepy…sorry, guys).
close friendships…those that develop over time. decades of time. and i can’t imagine having friends that close. it’s kind of hard when you’ve never lived somewhere for more than four years.
i know i keep referring to this post on finding my tribe, but i’ve yet to find a better way to express those longings.
intimate relationships terrify me.
but i am completely incomplete without them.
Authenticity · Confessional · Moving
Clayton Bell said,
February 24, 2008 at 8:17 pm
It’s that trepidation that creeps into my soul every time I consider a move. How could I ever replicate these relationships?
Perhaps I don’t. Perhaps new doesn’t mean leaving old. Grace and Peace to you in this transition…
debraparker said,
February 24, 2008 at 8:41 pm
As a child, I did not move. As an adult I have moved way too many times. We are in ministry so moving seems to be essential. I am hoping to settle soon and base out of one certain city. The main reason would be to tie in with long lasting friendships. I long for that.
Tim Irwin said,
February 24, 2008 at 9:32 pm
Anne, feeling some of the same thing myself. I haven’t moved as many times as you have, but I can honestly say I have no place to call home. My parents retired to Florida, and my brother and sister moved away from our home town. I have a couple cousins remaining there, but no real draw to going back. As a pastor, I move more than I’d like, always thinking the next church might be a place that I could stay for a nice long pastorate. That hasn’t really happened yet.
Don’t get me wrong; I have people I love and who love me in every place I’ve lived, but there’s just no place I could really call home.
Now I’m packing again, preparing for yet another move, and I don’t have a new church yet. No telling where the next place we land might be. Thanks for your post… and for your honest heart.
Matt Roden said,
February 24, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Anne!
I sooooo resonate with that. I am learning how to open up in ways I really haven’t before. I’ve been married and we’ve lived in 4 cities already! Thanks for posting that and clearing the air!
-Matt R
Jonathan Brink said,
February 24, 2008 at 10:01 pm
Anne, do you want to find a Tribe?
SANDY said,
February 24, 2008 at 10:06 pm
Being a military brat for my entire childhood I can relate. I moved continually until I graduated college and ended up here in Alabama. It took me years to develop any kind of relationship at all and though I did not move geographically I changed churches after 12 years. Hard oh my gosh the first few months were sooo tough. However I realized this weekend after being with some friends in a house for five days that intimacy and deep relationships happen when we are gut level real with each other. You my friend are on your way.
Anne Jackson said,
February 24, 2008 at 10:26 pm
jonathan…
not so much find. rather, envelop.
Patrick Sievert said,
February 24, 2008 at 10:37 pm
Anne, I feel what you are going through way too much. The longest I have ever lived anywhere was the 4 1/2 years I went to college in Stillwater. I moved three times on my birthday growing up. And now, after two years in my current location, I’m on the verge of moving again.
I’m scared of being the new guy again. I hate it. I want so much to have long-lasting friendships. Decades long friendships.
So I hurt for you. I pray for you. Pray for me.
Theresa said,
February 24, 2008 at 10:44 pm
I can relate with what you are feeling. When my husband and I moved to his hometown to take care of his parents I left behind wonderful people in Pismo Beach. I remember looking at pictures of a Cabo San Lucus trip that they all took and I was suppose to go on. It was great to see the pictures but I sat there and cried and cried. If we hadn’t moved I would have been there with them all. I missed them so much it hurt. It isn’t that I haven’t created great relationships here but I had deep sorrow for missing my friends elsewhere.
DetzelPretzel said,
February 24, 2008 at 10:54 pm
The first time I tried coffee it was a pretty horrible experience. It tasted bitter and strong and I just wasn’t ready for it.
A few years later I tried a cappuccino and I thought to myself, self, this tastes kind of like coffee, but it’s really good. Maybe I do like coffee.
As I began to experiment with lattes, macchiatos, and other espresso drinks; only then did I realize the love I had buried in my heart for those little brown beans. Before I knew it I was hooked on coffee…even just regular java.
When I look back at my coffee journey I realize that I had a desire to be courageous and put myself out there…even though I thought I was afraid of the stuff at first. There were just too many people saying good things about it for it not to be worth exploring.
You’ll never learn to trust…unless you trust.
Jeremy said,
February 24, 2008 at 11:41 pm
Anne, I am with you 100% on this one. I don’t know about a tribe, but I’m thinking about starting a gang if you want to join it. We can get cool weapons and all wear the same colors. We might even have initiations for new people to join. Wait a second, this sounds like a church I used to work for. You are a great writer.
Gina said,
February 24, 2008 at 11:47 pm
I’m a friend of that “rock star” Lynse Leanne! I moved to the south 20 years ago. I grew up on the east coast, moved to Alabama from the west coast, moved yearly for the prior 10 years, and attended four different institutions of higher learning during that time. But now, I finally have “my Tribe”, most of whom have only know me for the last 5 years.
The problem for me with developing friendships in my new locales was that I constantly reinvented myself to be who I perceived the “friend” wanted me to be.
These relationships never ended well; at some point, I and the “friend” discovered that I wasn’t at all who I had tried so hard to be. It’s like the “imposter” that Brennan Manning writes about in “Abba’s Child”, trying to be who I think God wants me to be instead of who He created me to be.
After much pain and much failure, I decided to give “being me” a whirl. In the process, I lost a lot of “friends”, but gained a “family”; a “tribe”. People who can come and go in my home and my world, knowing I am secure in their presence and they in mine. I’ve found the few with whom I am safe, and I think, it is because I made them feel safe with me. These relationships may not have a past, but I know they have future.
Craig said,
February 25, 2008 at 12:36 am
Anne - I have no way of relating to moving 32 times. I have lived in Edmond/OKC my entire life. I can tell you that deep relationships are essential in your walk with Christ. My LifeGroup knows my deepest secrets. Still I am always meeting new people. I recently started serving in Switch(youth ministry) and I have met some really great people. I look forward to growing close to them. As Christ followers we are all in the people business. I encourage you to start by opening up to your LifeGroup. If you don’t have a LG, finding one should be your first priority.
lynse leanne said,
February 25, 2008 at 2:32 am
I know exactly what you are saying. When my family started to move when i was 13 it was every 3 years. then i moved myself to Birmingham where i have found my home.
I have lived here for almost 4 years and it has been my longest stint since when i was a kid. it is weird. i still notice that i have a bit of a guard up at times cause every 3-4 years seems to be a trend…so who knows, what if it is again. i cant invest too much. what if i leave? i will miss the people that i have found home with.
but i am learning to not care. that relationships are very intentional. that they require a lot of work…and time…and you must invest in them. they are the kind of thing where you truly get what you give.
so through my 4 year process in Birmingham i am learning that even if i leave tomorrow the people around me have too much to teach me that i cant not know them. i can not resist to make them my home and dare i say tribe.
Helen said,
February 25, 2008 at 7:56 am
I know what you mean about intimate relationships being scary. I have a lot of friends. And a few of my friends know me pretty deeply…But I know that I have never truly experienced a completely intimate relationship. Even with Jesus who knows me better than anyone. I know he knows, but I try to pretend I’m OK sometimes when really I’m a bleeding mess inside. I keep people close, but I still have my hand covering my heart to some degree. This past year has been very difficult in terms of close relationships, from my marriage to needing to let go of some close but unhealthy relationships. My trust has been ripped to shreds and I’m really not sure how to get it back. I know that love is supposed to “trust all things and believe all things”. I think I used to have that kind of innocence. But it’s been lost along the way. I have prayed. I have prayed. I have prayed. I have taken some steps forward and been shoved backward and sometimes I have run backward. I guess it takes time.
Thanks for having the courage to share your journey.
Anna Meadows said,
February 25, 2008 at 8:20 am
Girl! I KNOW how you feel. A lot of it is our fault though… the friendships are there ready to be made, and deepened… we have to let go of the fear of letting people in, letting them see our weaknesses, letting them build us up… let me know when you figure it out!
Jan Owen said,
February 25, 2008 at 8:25 am
Anne
While I have not moved too much, I have had some very painful church experiences in ministry that have forced us to make a decision to move. We just went through two TOUGH years and I experienced friend after friend - people who I thought I would grow old with - walk out the door and yes, out of my life with seeming unconcern. I am a pretty open person but this has scared me to death and I find myself battling fear and the urge to totally withdraw because I NEVER want to hurt this bad again. Yet when I do this I am only doing what I most dread and fear - being isolated. I think as a minister I find it difficult to truly know who my “tribe” is and if people even really know ME. (not me, the minister, just me!) You’re on a journey of the heart. God’s blessings.
robin said,
February 25, 2008 at 8:39 am
Hey there sista! I have to say that I knew without a doubt that God was calling us to OKC, and cried almost the entire time. For me though, I completely relied on my “tribe”. This move has caused me to let God be my tribe and be okay with it. I may never have the kind of intimate relationships here I have in Dallas, then again I might. Only time will tell. Until then God and I will dance around the campfire and tell stories together. (Terry, of course, is my best relationship. But girl talk cannot be more necessary for me personally!)
I’ll be in prayer about this for you; and call anytime you just need to tell me how much OKC/Edmond grocery stores stink and the restaurants fairly lackluster. =)Although, check out Adobe Grill for some great Mexican. Ok, I’m done. Really. Gotta go.
ryanb said,
February 25, 2008 at 8:49 am
Feeling the same . . .
Douglas said,
February 25, 2008 at 9:46 am
Blech.
And the worst two months you could ask for in Oklahoma if you ask me.
We’ve been back in OK for just over a year after living in the mountains of sunny Colorado for 8 years. If I could get a huge vacuum and suck all the clouds out of the sky to see the bright blue again I’d do it.
We too have had trouble replacing the closeness of the friends we made in CO. Not replacing the friends of course, but the familiarity and intimacy.
I’m never good at advice, it always comes out like “deal with it” or “cowboy up”. And you didn’t really ask.
What I will say is, I am pretty sure that you have to be the kind of friend you want to have. until you find someone to be that back.
Jennifer said,
February 25, 2008 at 10:06 am
Anne,
I recently was introduced to your webpage. As I can tell, you are in the throws of learning exactly who you are and your purpose. I am proud of the way you verbalize your feelings- which means you accept yourself. Your tribe? I think you will have more than one. Your primary earthly tribe is with your husband. Your second is with a close friend or even mentor. Your third could be a lifegroup. God is working in you showing you things about what needs to go and what needs to stay and what needs to be matured - I believe that is why this move has been the hardest- your flesh and spirit are at war once again. Rest in the knowledge that God is fashioning you to look, feel, and act like a genuine Princess of the King. One day you will be a mom and all of what you are learning and growing in will be passed on to them! You are doing a fabulous job!
Vikki said,
February 25, 2008 at 10:11 am
I believe that you have more close friends than you realize. Remember, things are not always as they appear in “tribes.” The friends closest to you are not necessarily the ones that will watch your back when times get tough. Just keep being “real” and if you should ever really need a close friend, “Cry out to Jesus.”
Janel said,
February 25, 2008 at 10:24 am
Anne, I enjoy reading your blog so much because you are so real. I find your writings to be intimate and full of truth. I can only imagine that a conversation or building a friendship would be much of the same.
But yes, time is what it takes to form those friendships you miss. Time time time. It does seem to be forever when you are right in the middle of it, though.
Janel said,
February 25, 2008 at 10:26 am
I meant a conversation with you or building a friendship with you would be much of the same which is such a blessing in a friend. Sorry, if that last comment was confusing! :)
John Ireland said,
February 25, 2008 at 11:17 am
hey, friend..
sorry your heart is feeling heavy these days.
i wonder if you might find some movement out of this “muck” by genuinely asking God to remind you of the “why” He gave you and chris that prompted the move to okc.
and, ask Him to remind you of all the confirmations that have come since arriving in okc.
then, write those down and thank Him for each one.
whatcha think?
much love from ky
Shannon said,
February 25, 2008 at 11:42 am
I haven’t moved as much as you have, but our move to Oklahoma over five years ago was incredibly difficult, even though I felt confident we were where we should be. I had to plow through some stuff. Learn a thing or two about being transparent enough to foster TRUE friendships. Not the let’s-have-coffee kind, the let’s-sit-in-the-living-room-and-weep-together-about-our-sin kind.
I tell you that to tell you that it really is out there (of course it is, since Scripture seems pretty clear that this is the kind of community God designed us for). Keep plugging ahead. Keeping being transparent–not just on-line, but with others. Know that sometimes it won’t be reciprocated, but sometimes it will–and when it is, it’s worth the struggle.
Or, you can just drive over my direction and we can have lunch. ;)
Julie said,
February 25, 2008 at 11:54 am
I can totally relate to what you said! I have moved to many times…in fact, I’m moving again in two weeks! Augh! I just want to stay put for a while and build deep relationships…The church we connected with has been great, but constant moving doesn’t help with those of us that take a while to really open up and show ourselves to others.
Linda Sue said,
February 25, 2008 at 1:59 pm
A friend and I have a continuing dialogue about this issue - longing for deep intimate relationships that are filled with trust and shared wisdom. Haven’t found them yet - and I just turned 60. We do seem to agree that these deepest connections may be in the world to come not this one. Churches have their limitations. Shannon is obviously offering you a relationship of great value - take her up on it! I’m not sure the moving so much helps or hinders - as a military brat I learned how to jump in fast - but also which groups were closed to me completely. ewww - this is getting into my not happy place -you are still decompressing from Uganda and on top of a major move, you need to be gentle with your sweet self.
Christi D. said,
February 25, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Honestly, I think the hardest part is when you have experienced that closeness with a friend and then you have to move away. For about 2 1/2 yrs. I have wanted a replacement for my best friend in California. I have cried so many tears about missing her and the fun we had together. We just connected on so many levels. I’m trying to realize that she can’t be replaced and I will find friendships, but they might not look the same. For the ones that haven’t experienced that, they are not sure what they are missing. Be grateful that you had friends like that. You can look back on those good times for years! Girl, you have been through a lot in just a few short months. Give it time. You and Chris are too great of people to not have close friends:) I’ll lift you up in prayer today.
Jordan Like the River said,
February 25, 2008 at 3:53 pm
:(
(commiseration)
(sympathization)
Hilary said,
February 25, 2008 at 4:21 pm
I can relate to some extent.
I’ve been afforded the opportunity to live in the same place for 22 years. As a PK, especially in the Methodist church, this is quite uncommon.
But despite being here with a lot of the same people for 22 years, I don’t really feel like I have any close relationships. It’s sad, because you would think that amount of time would provide ample opportunities for close-knit relationships. It’s probably just a huge character flaw on my part. Or, as you said, being terrified of intimate relationships.
P.S. In your life experience as a PK, have you ever been called/referred to as a TO “theological offspring” ? haha….I’ve gotten that a few times……scary…….
seven said,
February 25, 2008 at 4:26 pm
I know the feeling… I yearn for intimate friendships, but when it comes right down to it, I have a hard time trusting anyone with my heart. It sucks, because I know I’m denying myself something I really need.
I gave you an award on today’s post.
erin said,
February 25, 2008 at 8:07 pm
the more i read the more i feel like we have so much in common, i hope i hear from you soon ~ check your email :) ~
yeidy said,
February 25, 2008 at 8:40 pm
wow Anne - this is so exactly how I feel- I heard in eternity there will be no oceans which means no separation and you are formally welcomed into my tribe anytime! I think a lot of people I’d want on my tribe each day are just too darn far!!!
Jamie said,
February 25, 2008 at 10:50 pm
I’m with you girl! I grew up a minister’s daughter and have lived in 10 cities (5 states). I made friends easily, but have never been able to maintain friendships across the miles. I have been where I am now for 5 years and am moving in 2 weeks to Birmingham. You’d think I’d be used to this by now. My husband and I are excited about the change but I yearn for a friendship that will be lasting.
Jodi said,
February 25, 2008 at 11:12 pm
I read this post, and I take a deep breath in and let it out. I do this because I feel so much like this. Due to a negative experience in my old church, I have been an “in cognito” church attender at my new church. For awhile, it was good to rest from the burnout, but then it became unhealthy for me to hide out and stay disconnected from week to week. Recently, some difficult life circumstances propelled me to seek out support. God has used these hard times to teach me that it’s time for a friendship-base. It’s not a good thing to find myself in hard times, needing people, and not having very many around me. Not good at all. So, I joined a women’s Bible study and connected with an older woman. I’m hoping God will bless me with a mentor and some new friends. Part of me is scared. I don’t want to experience what I did before, but I can’t keep hiding out any longer……Thanks for your post.
Jenn Cady said,
February 26, 2008 at 12:04 am
WE NEED TO DO COFFEE!! I’ve Moved 22 Times in 35 years…5 states..9 schools and no roots! I get this..This has been my LIFE! It’s hard to really invest and make life friends because you always move…life changes and so do the people…but you crave stability!
Kevin Leggett said,
February 27, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I relate. I was raised by druggies and alcoholics who constantly moved. I hated always being the new kid and was often introverted. When I came to college I reached out and make a lot of friendships. Unfortunately, most of them were surface only. Nothing deep. I was wounded by the immaturity of my mom and the lack of a father in the household. Even now I find myself clamming up in a group of new people.
Sheri said,
February 28, 2008 at 8:09 am
Anne, thanks for your honesty. I lived in Kansas for 9 years and made the best friends of my life. There is something about spending that much time with a group of people - years of experiences together. I had a wealth of relationships. I recently moved myself and feel the absence of these friendships daily. I am meeting people in my new location, but I just don’t seem to have the energy to open up and start over. It takes so much to build that kind of intimacy - I seem to be bankrupt of time and energy due to my travel for work and other pressing responsibilities. I feel your pain, Anne. Thanks for sharing.
Mike said,
March 5, 2008 at 8:36 am
Hey Anne - you’re whole train of thought about the tribes has really stuck with me. I’m 43 today, and have realized some things in the last couple of days - the biggest is that I honestly don’t know who I could say was my “best friend.” What surprises me about that is how important it is to have that person in your life. I’m plenty busy, believe me, but I think that’s just a smoke-screen to keep me from coming face-to-face with the fact that I’m lonely.
I was talking w/ my nephew last night, and he was talking about a possible Led Zeppelin tour, and how there was a contest were the winner got a ticket for him and a friend to go to the concert . . . and it hit me: Who would i take to that show if I won? Seems pretty unimportant on one hand, but revealing on another.
Anyway - just wanted to say thanks for being open enough to share real stuff, and being courageous enough to be real as well.
Peace.
Yonas said,
March 5, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Intimate Relationships: From what I’ve experienced living in the US for 15 years. I see a lot of dysfunction and passive/aggresiveness in US culture with regards to intimate relationships….it is ironic to see people talk endlessly about relationships, loneliness, need for friendships…but yet at the same time they PULL BACK when the opportunity presents itself. How can people develop intimate relationships if the culture constantly promotes self-reliance, self-sufficiency and lots and lots of ‘personal space’. I’m not suggesting we should go to the other extreme. But I have experienced this first hand over and over…many people here are like just like the soda drinks they invented…hot and heavy in the beginning of the acquaintanceship ..only to fizzle not long after. I’ve given many benefit of the doubts to people before, but I think in many cases those people just only to satisfy their own need for acknowledgement and they often fail to contribute back. Ask a few personal questions and then chalk one up in their book (yep, I made another ‘friend’ today) and moved on. I know an ‘acquaintance’ who keeps referring me as a friend (while having about 450+ phone numbers in her cell phone)…I can go on and on about many other examples. Yes, some may have the ‘intentions’ of creating good acquaintanceships, but if you know in your heart that you’re incapable of doing so or may not have the time to follow through, don’t do it…you’re just contributing more pain to the relationship problems that’s already there. I personally think people misuse the word ‘friends’ a lot in this country and don’t really know how to clearly communicate their intentions without creating any expectations. I know that my experiences lately (blogs and real life) have taught me to really evaluate people, myself and my definition of friendships/acquaintanceships.
Rant Over.