theory: why people don’t confess
September 23rd, 2008 @ 11:13 am
we have had some discussion on what happens when people confess and when people don’t confess.
today, i’d like to throw a theory your way….
one reason why people don’t confess:
…because deep down, they don’t want to change.
carry on.
Related posts:
Authenticity · Confessional
Jenn Ruggles said,
September 23, 2008 at 11:24 am
I totally agree with that. But I also think that so many times when you do confess others tend to treat you like they are better than you. I dunno that just seems to be my experience.
Kenyon said,
September 23, 2008 at 11:30 am
…because the truth is hard…
Michael said,
September 23, 2008 at 11:32 am
I think a lot of the time it’s the “older brother” issue… The prodical son knew on some level that the father would forgive him, it was his older brother that caused the problem. I think it’s the same in the church: people know God will forgive them, they’re just not sure that the church will.
Michael said,
September 23, 2008 at 11:41 am
Thank God the older brother was working and the father was actively watching for the younger brother when he came home… can you imagine how that may have turned out if the younger had net the older before meeting the father?
Yonas said,
September 23, 2008 at 11:49 am
I disagree Anne.
I am open my good friends for many years (one Christian and one non). It’s great to have virtually no skeleton in the closet.
I usually test the water by giving them my ‘1st tier’ ‘2nd tier’ ‘3rd tier’ confession…if they started even chewing me off based on my lowest form of offense, there’s no way I’m going to share more…and yes, it has happened.
Kevin M. said,
September 23, 2008 at 11:57 am
I 100% agree! I understand all the other reasons why people don’t confess (judgment, shame, etc.) and they are valid BUT this statement is very true as well. I know that is an “OUCH” statement but it is SO true!
Thanks for sharing that Anne!
Anne Jackson said,
September 23, 2008 at 11:58 am
Just coming from personal experience here. ;) Not the ONLY reason. Just one.
Diana said,
September 23, 2008 at 12:05 pm
To confess is to be truthful with yourself before being truthful with someone else… and sometimes we really like the blinders on with ourselves.
Emily said,
September 23, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Wow. Brutal note to self.
Yonas said,
September 23, 2008 at 12:30 pm
I didn’t see that ‘one’ sorry :)
OK I confess, I have Anne’s picture as my desktop wallpaper.
Sarah Valente said,
September 23, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Maybe people are disagreeing because they don’t fully understand. I don’t think confessing necessarily means telling everyone. You have to “tell,” but I think you can be selective. Great short but sweet post!
BTW…I just found you from Suburban Turmoil
Tim said,
September 23, 2008 at 12:45 pm
For me it’s simple. Confession of sin leads to freedom; from guilt, from shame, to renew my relationship with the God that saves me. If I don’t confess, I begin to live in the shadows of who I think I should be, and in the shame that I’ve failed to live like a man that has been set free from sin. Confession is the difference between freedom and slavery.
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sinse and cleanse us from all unrighteousness”
1 John 1.9
It’s really becoming the man that God created me to be.
Susie A said,
September 23, 2008 at 12:47 pm
I agree that it could be that we don’t want to change, but I think fear is a bigger reason. Fear of rejection….would we still be accepted in our circle if we confessed.
Great question!
S.
Tim said,
September 23, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Sarah, Definitely. I have one person that I go to in particular, the Pastor of my church and then I make direct amends to individuals where necessary afterward. Confession need not, and probably should not, be a public spectacle. Amends can be public or private, usually in proportion to the offense.
dewde said,
September 23, 2008 at 12:58 pm
I think it is true often but not always.
For example I did something I am not proud of, exactly twice. After the second time I knew I would never, ever do it again.
I entered into marriage with this secret. I knew it would be something my wife *should* know. I knew it would not change us or our relationship (in the long term), but it would cause her pain in the short term and change some beliefs she had about me and “the kind of person I was.”
I did confess 5 years later. It was an emotional blip on our marriage timeline that has never come up since.
My reservations in confessing were 2-fold. First I wanted to save face. Second, I didn’t want my wife to suffer emotionally from the consequences of my actions. Fear of changing wasn’t even on the radar.
peace|dewde
http://dewde.com
lynse leanne said,
September 23, 2008 at 12:58 pm
i agree….or because there is some comfort in having a secret or that sin provides comfort.
Kevin M. said,
September 23, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Tim - great thoughts! Confession is all about freedom.
dewde - I think in your situation “fear of changing” wasn’t on the radar because it wasn’t an ongoing “sin”. I think Anne is referring to ongoing sin issues here. Correct me if I am wrong Anne. :)
jill said,
September 23, 2008 at 1:40 pm
I think that’s why I, personally, have held off confessing things in my life. Even little things.
John Ireland said,
September 23, 2008 at 1:59 pm
hmmm…is it resistance to being a changed person or is it resistance to the act/consequences of the change process?
i suspect - in our deepest core - we like the idea of being a changed (in whatever way) person. what gets in the way is our multi-faceted sin that pushes against the work and sacrifice involved with the “metamorphosis”.
yeidy said,
September 23, 2008 at 2:53 pm
because they risk loosing everything if they confess the truth so they rather live a lie
Joe Louthan said,
September 23, 2008 at 3:04 pm
I know you can’t see me, Anne, but I am pointing at my nose because you just hit it.
PJ said,
September 23, 2008 at 3:48 pm
I agree.
Is this similar to why people with addictions, often don’t change until they hit the absolute bottom …?
Bill G said,
September 23, 2008 at 3:54 pm
For me it was fear of having to face the consequences of what I had done. I did finally confess but only because the guilt was too much to bear.
daniel d said,
September 23, 2008 at 4:05 pm
fear of what others might think about you (judgement i guess)
charis said,
September 23, 2008 at 4:29 pm
I agree with this and can say that because of personal experience. For me, it is cutting, and most of the time I don’t really want to change but have to realize that something larger than what I want for myself is going on.. that God is working.
Nathan Hov said,
September 23, 2008 at 4:31 pm
That might be one reason. But I think a better reason, in some case, is that people know there sin very well - they would like it to just be gone, but struggle in it known-the-less.
They are afraid of being rejected, even by Christians (mostly by Christians) afraid of being frauds, who haven’t it all together.
B.McCoy said,
September 23, 2008 at 4:44 pm
agree 100%, sister. change is scary. it’s easier for people trapped in something to stay there because sadly, its comfortable. to confess is to commit to the fear of the unknown.
Cindy Beall said,
September 23, 2008 at 4:48 pm
I agree but maybe included in that is that they don’t really believe they can change. Maybe the shackles are too tight and they can’t imagine walking without a big ball behind them.
Great conversation here.
Jenni Catron said,
September 23, 2008 at 5:41 pm
Ouch, I think that’s painfully true.
tony said,
September 23, 2008 at 6:13 pm
darn it, anne!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stephanie said,
September 23, 2008 at 6:21 pm
In a way I agree with this. I feel like if we don’t confess we can almost pretend that it doesn’t exist or that it will eventually go away. Or even think that we can just “enjoy” the sin for now and that someday later we’ll deal with it. I also think that fear of judgment plays a really big role.
Carole Turner said,
September 23, 2008 at 7:49 pm
I agree.
Kat said,
September 23, 2008 at 7:57 pm
Oh my god you’re right. I like being a screw up- it makes me feel like I have something to work on. A goal to achieve. Now that I think about it… I always leave one part of my house unclean. Like I never want to have the entire thing straight because I still want there to be something left to do. Now that’s messed up.
Robin Storch said,
September 23, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Sometimes I think it’s just easier not to. And go about your merry way as if nothing has happened.
Pete Wilson said,
September 23, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Right on. Most of the time the reason I don’t come clean because I’m just not ready for transformation. As long as I keep my stuff in the dark it will continue to grow. When I drag it into the light God can begin to do His work.
Jan Owen said,
September 23, 2008 at 10:27 pm
i’ve wondered if we keep deceiving ourselves in order to not fully face the truth which would lead to us needing to confess…..
in other words, do we justify our thoughts, actions, attitudes and thus deceive ourselves?
I have been very affected by the verse in Psalm 51 that says “you desire honesty from the inmost being”……
when we fully face our sin, we have to choose to confess and repent or not…..
mike foster said,
September 23, 2008 at 10:53 pm
its hard to just “carry on” after that brilliant nugget ..right on anne…that one was dripping in truth…love it…………m.
Lanna said,
September 23, 2008 at 10:58 pm
It is my opinion that a true confession can only come when someone has truly changed in character and true change can only come through sanctification.
Lory said,
September 23, 2008 at 11:03 pm
Cindy–you make a great point.
In fact, tonight I had dinner with a good friend and accountability partner..the reason…I had to confess a sinful lifestyle issue. Was I forced? No. Was it hard? You bet. And one thing I talked about is how I’m almost afraid to “give up” this sin because I don’t remember what life was like without the ball and chain. I don’t know what to expect if I truly turn from it and change scares me. (and not just in sin/confession situations)
By the way, I know you all don’t know me or my story, but prayers for strength to stay the course are much appreciated!
Brad Huebert said,
September 23, 2008 at 11:10 pm
Agreed. WIlliam Law wrote about that — that most “Christians” really have absolutely no intention of becoming like Jesus and doing what he says. They kinda like being part of the social club, but they are not consumed by the Beautiful Fire.
In my battle with lust, a turning point was when I railed at God, “Why don’t you answer my prayers to set me free?!” And he said,
“Because you don’t want me to.”
So my prayer became, “Then make me willing to be willing.”
It was a start. To read the whole story, check out my blog at http://www.presencevoicetouch.com
Anita said,
September 24, 2008 at 12:21 am
Ummm for SURE. I’m doing a fight week on my blog, and I ran right smack up against this concept. The whole thing idea is that I am fighting to do something differently, fighting for change. My biggest barrier to getting real in these posts is that I have to confess, and doing it in public means I have to be serious about fighting against the things I’m confessing!
So I agree wholeheartedly. And I’m glad I stopped over here because a little more clarity is a good thing (unless you don’t want to see).
Anita
http://www.mudandcoffee.blogspot.com
Joni said,
September 24, 2008 at 9:08 am
Right on sister! If you confess, you actually have to DO something about it. Rats.
scarlet letter holder said,
September 24, 2008 at 9:16 am
I can give you a personal reason why people don’t confess. Because contrary to what the Bible says… so called Christians don’t always follow it.
As a former employee (support staff) of a large church, I was recently fired & our family “banned” from this church because I had an affair with a non-staff member of the church. It happened once and shortly afterwards our contact with each other was over. A year or so later the church found out about it, asked me about it, I confessed to doing it. They then fired me & banned our family from the church. I asked for grace, mercy, & forgiveness… but, the church thought it better to fire me and my wife (who also worked there) and told us we must find another place to worship.
Now… I can find a ton of scriptures to show that their action on ‘banning’ us was extreme. While I may not have come forward initially - I was at least willing to be open and honest about it once asked. Why didn’t I tell initially? Afraid of being fired of course, which was the result anyway. While I know many would say if I’d confessed upfront that things would have been differently, but it doesn’t change what the word of God says about those who sin. I think there is a clear protocol in place biblically, and it wasn’t followed.
So in essence, I didn’t confess because I believed there would be no mercy, grace or forgiveness given to me by this church. They had the opportunity to prove me wrong but, instead only confirmed my fear of confessing upfront. I now wear the Scarlet letter I earned but, I know God will - Jesus will take away some day.
~ SLH
krysta said,
September 24, 2008 at 9:46 am
i don’t confess because i don’t like admitting that i’m wrong (aka that i don’t have it all together)
Jason said,
September 24, 2008 at 10:25 am
@SLH, love your honesty. Prayin.
Fear of judgement.
scarlet letter holder said,
September 24, 2008 at 12:12 pm
@Jason, please know my point is not to condemn this church. It’s only to point out that the Bible encourages us to confess our sins to one another and encourages those who hear them to show mercy, grace & forgiveness. If the latter fails to do their part, you can be sure the former will not happen or will happen less & less. You can understand my fear in confessing any future sins. If one can’t confess their sins within the body of Christ due to fear of persecution, where else can one go?
~ SLH
wanita said,
September 24, 2008 at 4:00 pm
even admitting that to yourself is powerful. whispering it to God allows Him to strengthen you in your weakness.
Beth@theaccidentalpharisee said,
September 24, 2008 at 4:08 pm
piggybacking on the idea that “we don’t want to change”
I don’t thnk the church–be it small groups or Bible studies or whatever– is very good at creating an atmosphere where we can live out “confessing our sins to one another”
It’s not an environment of change
It’s an environment of “I’m doing just fine in my Christian walk, thank you very much”
and “Me, too”
and we pat each other on the back and go our merry ways
instead of being honest about our struggles
You have to have the “want to” and you have to be brave enough to be the only one standing up and saying, “I need to change”
That can be pretty lonely at times.
I’ve found it more often in one-on-one relationships–rare friendships of brutal but beautiful honesty.
Erica said,
September 24, 2008 at 7:32 pm
I think it is because you don’t want others to look at you and see that mistake or sin. I think that some things need to be confessed and other things are better dealt with just you and the Lord….It is a tough call…you can’t confess everything to all people. Some people can not and will not handle it….. So confession is between you and the Lord…He may have you to confess in order to hold you accountable…that hurts but it is a good thing. I wonder……do I have anything I need to confess? lol….