FlowerDust.net

I think it’s fair to say if you’ve been around here any amount of time, you’re familiar with my on-and-off again battle with depression. I had some bloodwork done a couple months ago and they found out I was severely Vitamin-D deficient.

Insert mega-high dose of 50,000UI/week of Vitamin D for the last month.

Insert a huge difference.

Now, it’s not a perfect fix, but it’s helped tremendously.

You know those weeks where it’s cloudy all the time, but every once in a while the clouds break for a while and the sun is out, but then it gets cloudy again?  Instead of being cloudy all the time…there are significant breaks.  Which is AWESOME.

There are enough breaks that I haven’t felt necessary to actually start my antidepressant.

Anyway, I know many of you have also shared your own stories of depression, so if you haven’t had your blood tested for Vitamin D levels…I recommend it highly.

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve had a few conversations with some friends of mine.  None of them know each other — they’re all living in different parts of the country doing different things.  But all of them have one thing in common:

They’re surrounded by people yet they feel so isolated.  They’re afraid to talk about what’s wrong.

A couple of them are really wrestling with past demons and addictions.  A couple others are having really bad marital problems.  Over lunch, another one told Chris and me that he was filing for divorce from his wife.  Their marriage had no hope.

Christmas time was hard for me (for a variety of reasons that are personal) and I felt isolated…it wasn’t because people were ignoring me, but because of choices I made to isolate myself.  I felt too insecure to share the darkness I was experiencing.

After talking with my friends who were also struggling and thinking about my own reasons for keeping quiet, I just can’t stop thinking about how many of us out there have the happy face on, but are almost hopeless on the inside.  Where, from 9-5 we are productive and joyful enough to not let anyone catch on but the moment we get home we collapse and fall back into the black hole that’s inside of us.

There’s more of us than you think.

I realize posts like this are a wee bit on the melancholy side of things, and that every time I write one I’m guaranteed an email from two people:

1) My mom, who gets worried.

2) The person who questions my spirituality because I wrestle depression.

Please let me address you both.

1) Mom - Just remember the talk we had on my layover in Dallas.

2) Self Righteous Person - You’re one of the reasons we don’t feel comfortable talking about our problems.

Sorry, but it’s true.

After my post about using medication to help with anxiety, someone actually got angry.  Something along the lines of “What do you have to be so depressed about? I can’t read this blog anymore.  I mean I’m worried about you, but there’s seriously something wrong.”

Gee, thanks.

Please pardon me while I curl up into a ball in a corner somewhere.

And feel free to kick me while I’m in that position too.

Galatians 6 has been a Scripture that has been weighing on my heart lately.  Verse 2-3 says:

Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.  If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important.

If we really carried each other’s burdens like Scripture says, I can’t help but to think that maybe, just maybe…we wouldn’t feel so afraid to talk about those dark areas.  We wouldn’t fear the judgment and criticism of others.  What if we actually look forward to confession because we knew the grace we’d receive, and the restoration that waited for us?

Could you imagine?

I’d like to.  But it’s really really hard.

And that’s what’s depressing, if you ask me.

it was interesting some of the emails i received about monday’s post on depression.  it made me realize a lot of people have some misunderstandings about what depression is and why some people battle it.

now, let me preface this by saying i am not a doctor or a psychologist (although i’ve been to more than my fair share of both) :-)  however, here are some common myths about depression i thought we’d remove so that everyone can have a better understanding.

why are you depressed?  i thought you loved your new job and it seems like stuff is going well for you.

you’re right.  i love my new job and things are going great.  for the first time, we’re not financially stressed out in our marriage, the relationships i have are incredible and i have never felt more at home than i do in nashville.  all of my external circumstances are awesome!  too bad depression isn’t caused by any of them.  sure, environments can influence ups and downs, but a lingering bit of sadness or feelings of low self worth means it’s probably something more.

to further prove this point, last year at this time i was going through probably one of the toughest times in my life.  i had an awful, no good, very bad situation i was walking through over the course of late fall and early winter.  on top of that, i was also weaning off of anxiety medication (stressful!), writing a book (stressful!), and getting ready to move from dallas to oklahoma city (stressful!)

but you know what? i had absolutely no symptoms of depression at all.  nada.

don’t worry.  if you trust god more, he’ll bring you through.

thanks for the kind and faithful words. and i don’t doubt that.  but depression generally has little to do with someone’s relationship with god.   if that were the case, every person without faith would be miserable and every person with faith would be happy all the time.   can i afford to spend more time with god? absolutely. depression isn’t caused by a bad relationship with god or healed by a good one.  if anything, i have to lean even more into that relationship (and the relationships with my husband and friends) to get the strength i need during the seasons of depression.

so, you wrote this book on burnout and you talk about being emotionally healthy.  your past struggles with this and your current struggle doesn’t really give the best example.  what gives you the right to write about this?

i won’t lie. that email hurt (and that is just a small snippet of it).  and the thoughts of my own human inadequacies haunt me all the time when i ask myself, “really, what authority do i have to speak into this topic? i’m struggling right there!” fortunately, i got another email after this one that said this.

Listen, your struggle doesn’t mean you are broken as a person, and it doesn’t make you less spiritual.  The devil is going to lie to you and say you have no business writing about Mad Church Disease with this going on.  Don’t give in to that lie!  Your experience and even your struggles uniquely qualify you to speak authoritatively on this subject.  God uses our weaknesses to demonstrate His strength in us.  I believe our precious Lord wants to take what the enemy meant to destroy you and use it to bring glory to Jesus.

that answer was for both the person who wrote the first email, and the demons that walk around in my brain.  but i know that question is something probably a lot of us wrestle with: what qualifies us to do the work we do when we screw up all the time?

grace.

so there you have it.  depression has little to do with your environment, relationship with god, and capacity to be used in this world.  it has much to do with our bodies’ brokenness, chemical imbalances, and the hand we’re dealt.  we honestly have very little control over it.

what we do have control over is how we manage it if we have it, or how we treat others who are struggling.

both require a little patience, a little wisdom, and a lot of love.

i don’t talk about it much, but depression is something i’ve fought with most of my adult life. it usually comes and goes in seasons, and like a lot of people, it typically gets worse around the holidays.

two years ago, it got pretty nasty and i blogged about it a little bit. but last year, i really can’t say that it even affected me.

this year, it’s back to rearing its ugly head. it’s been about six weeks now and that dark cloud hasn’t left yet.

i’ve decided this time around, it’s time to try chemical help again. last time i was on medication, it didn’t help so much (in fact, it just made it worse), but a pastor and friend i deeply respect has recommended trying something new. he’s battled it for over thirty years, while leading a very large church. he has a ton of insight. he even wrote a book about it.

all this to say a few things: if you suffer from depression, i’m sorry. i know how it envelops your soul, your life, your joy, and turns you into someone you don’t want to be. if you’re married to or friends with someone who has depression, thank you for supporting them. it’s not a fun place to be either and i’m sure a lot of the time, you feel helpless and you don’t understand it. and that’s okay. and if you’re reading this, you know what? i could sure use your prayers and i bet a few of you could use mine.

again, depression isn’t something i like talking about much because, well, it’s pretty depressing. i don’t like being depressing. i like being the girl who has everything all figured out and her life’s all put together perfectly.

(let me let you in on a little secret - that’s SO far from the truth!!!)

on the other hand, depression is something many of us face one way or another, and i just wanted to say you’re not alone.

and i’m pretty sure that i’m not either.

===

“you’re not quite there, but you’re on the low side of healthy.”

and even though i’m from texas, i’ve never been a steak girl. in fact, slowly, i’ve been eliminating meat from my diet…not for any ethical reason…i just really don’t like the taste of it (except bacon! YUM!) and it’s getting really expensive, too.

i went to the doctor last week for something minor, and since i was a new patient, he did a full work up on me, including blood work and a stress test (my dad has a wicked heart history).

the results came back early this week, and evidently, i’m starting to get old.

first, i was “mildly anemic.” no more dancing on the edge. i had crossed the line into low red blood counts.

so, he told me to start on some iron supplements. or start eating more meat. i chose the supplements.

then he told me my heart beat was funny after i ran on my exercise stress test.

psshh. whatever.

and he told me to start taking a low dose beta blocker for a month to see if it helps. so, i started those this week too.

ummm….is this what being almost thirty is like?

i thought i’d share a few little blurbs with you from my article for the catalyst groupzine.  as soon as i know when you can order them, and when they’ll be available, i’ll let you know.

my article is called “the lonely leader and the power of truth” and here are a couple of thoughts from it:

Fear and loneliness are two inseparable lovers with a tragic common denominator: they seek to destroy the Kingdom within.

and

Sadly, we’ve often become so structured there’s no time to experience real life together.  We’re obligated to schedules and appearances but not to each other.  The business of community satisfies our addiction to productivity, but does nothing to nourish the anemia that is afflicting us.

as a leader…do you struggle with loneliness?  do you find that fear isolates you?

my book deadline is february 28 march 14.

i sent this letter to my agent a few moments ago.

Oh, my dear Beth.

Sincerely yours,
Anne-Going-To-Hide-Under-My-Bed-Jackson

your role in this, bloggyfriends? pray…hard…for me! being sick/asleep twenty-one hours a day lately isn’t really helping my schedule.

(bonus points for whoever can tell me who sings the song with the title of this post as one of the lyrics - no googling!)

a couple of months ago, i wrote about my gradual weaning off my sleep/anxiety medication (it’s one pill - a really strong sedative). i was a little nervous. one, i didn’t know what kind of withdrawal symptoms i’d have and two, i didn’t know who the person on the other side of this journey would be.

i’m still not completely finished with the withdrawal, but by this time next week i will be. i am so very happy to report i’ve only had some minor symptoms (mainly headaches).

i think that probably the biggest surprise is the fact the non-medicated version of me is SO MUCH DORKIER than the medicated version. i say that with as much emphasis as possible.

even though i had only been on the meds for almost a year, they were very emotionally numbing, and i didn’t even realize it. frequently over the last seven weeks, i kept getting these weird looks from my husband, like, “who is this woman?!” in a good way though (i hope)…at least he was laughing. hmmmm….

anyway, just wanted to update you all. if you want to read a little bit more of the journey over the last year, you can here.

thanks for your prayers & support!!

if you are on medication for anything, don’t make up your own plan for getting off of them. talk to your doctor. work out a plan. don’t just stop. my doctor has been great at helping me through this, as well as talking to friends and a counselor. disclaimer over.

if you’ve been around a while, forgive my redundancy. i’ve been on a sleep/anxiety combo medicine since january and a “stress” medicine (did you know they made those?) as well. you can read about some my attempts at medication through some stressful transitions here.

a lot of people - christians in particular - have questions on whether or not medication for depression and/or anxiety is biblical. shouldn’t you just snap out of it? my personal experience with taking my doctor’s advice, and working with a therapist as well as discussing all of this with my husband led me to decide that going on medication temporarily as i worked hard core through some issues in counseling would probably be best. and i think it was. if i felt healthy enough, i would be off the medication in a year.

so because of the kind of medicine i am on, i have to gradually wean off. over the next eight weeks (beginning last night) i will be cutting back by eighths on one medicine, and thirds on the other.

how do i feel about it? i am so looking forward to what’s on the other side. my emotions have never felt more stable, my sleep is back to normal, and i’m not stressing out a ton. it may not seem like the best month to start this withdrawal, with all of the stress of current events, but i really think i am in a good place. with the support of my friends, family, husband, therapist, YOU GUYS and undoubtedly resting - really resting - in God’s promises of truth, justice, confession, and provision; i am not too worried about it.

my final week of medication is november 26. i’ll occasionally post updates of how i’m doing if i think about it, but i am really looking forward to taking this next step!

on a side note, this weekend in alabama went great. it was all a little bit of a blur to me but after speaking with several people after the message or getting emails from them over the last few days, i know God did a great work through everyone - the volunteers, the band, the teams that set up, dave, and even myself. i love seeing god move!

that’s about all from flowerdust land. i hope you all are having a great week!

there are a couple “categories” i haven’t addressed here in a while, and some of you have emailed or myspace-messaged me asking questions, so i thought i’d put it out for all to see….

1) fat ragamuffin. my goal weight was between 140-145 (i’m 5′6″…almost) and i have stayed in that range for the last two months. i’ve been putting on some size 8’s again, which i haven’t done in four years. it feels good. i just need to tone up, and stay away from my mom’s brownies tomorrow.

2) depression. last i wrote, i dropped the wellbutrin which turned me into crazy lady, and was on paxil one single day until i quit. i’m not on any anti-depressants, but i still have some bouts with anxiety which are usually helped by upping my sleeping medicine (it’s really an anti-seizure medicine (20mg), but used in really low doses for insomnia (1mg) and anxiety (4mg)). when i get a little edgier, i just take 1.5mg and it seems to help balance me out. i’ve been feeling pretty good lately.

i don’t plan on being on medicine forever, but until i can heal from some things in my past (which i see a therapist for), it is aiding me in becoming a little more centered. i’ve had a few breakthroughs in my marriage and other areas and that has been INCREDIBLE. exercise (although i haven’t officially worked out in three weeks) has been another big help in this area, i’m sure of it.

so there are some updates on the not so pretty things. it’s easy to write about the good things or the questions, but hey, we’ve all got our warts.

everyone knows today is tax day. this is the first year in eleven that i have waited until the last minute to file. why? because i know i owe and i was afraid to see how much, as well as i knew it would be a complicated return. both chris and i worked in kansas (which has a state tax), we moved, we both were self-employed, we both worked in texas (which has no state tax), we bought office equipment for our self-employment, we traveled for it and i knew it was just going to be a mess.

this year, i got turbo tax deduction maximizer for our tax woes. i have always done them manually (and kind of enjoyed it) but not this time. i purchased a copy on eBay for $15 (which is a tax-preparation write off, however, you might actually owe tax for things you purchased online…) i found this little piece of software to be a magical charm. with all of the self-employment items, the deduction maximizer walked me through every possible thing we could deduct. it was amazing. it filled in every blank on the 67 page return we are filing. yes. 67 pages. although we still owe on our federal return, it is a very small amount. on the kansas state return, we are getting a pretty hefty refund. they almost balance each other out perfectly.

i did log on to e-file.com to get some information from my taxes last year and saw the ticking clock. now that stressed me out! we decided to mail our return in this year. i’d rather pay $4 for priority mail than the fees they charge you online (which is also a tax-preparation write off).

did you get your taxes done?

So, first thanks for your prayers an encouragement from last Saturday’s post.  Instead of dropping back to 150mg of Wellbutrin, I stopped taking it all together. (*Note-don’t ever do that unless you’re under supervision from a doctor!)  I got switched over to Paxil, which affects a different chemical in the brain.  Some friends of mine have had success with it, but more importantly my own brother has been on it for a while and the difference it has made in him his tremendous, without very many side effects.

I haven’t started taking it yet.  Wellbutrin has the world’s longest half-life so it is still in my system for a few more days. I’ll probably start next weekend.  I know this stuff takes time to work and the side-effects diminish over time, but what Wellbutrin did to me was a little more than a side effect…I’d even say I was literally hysterical.  It was so crazy.

On to the next step…

when i feel any emotion intensely, my eyes turn an unbelievable shade of bright green - almost a green-blue color. which is weird. because for the most part, on any given day, they are a boring brown-green hazel color. the day i started high school they actually were blue. i was that nervous.

they’ve been really green the last couple of days. i just looked in the mirror and noticed how green they were. the last couple of days have been hard on me emotionally. maybe the increase in the wellbutrin was too much, but i crashed hard yesterday, and even harder today. i feel like i am having an out of body experience. the real me is floating around somewhere, probably sipping a peppermint mocha and instead, some crazy lady who cries any time a word leaves her mouth, who gets angry at the first sign of tension and who is scared to even be alone has embodied this shell with bright green eyes.

i know the crazy me isn’t really me. and tomorrow, i’m dropping my dosage back to 150. it seemed to be working fine, whereas the 300 is creating a monster. what i hate most about this is the feeling i am letting people down. chris didn’t marry a crazy lady. lake pointe didn’t hire a crazy lady. a crazy lady doesn’t work with my co-workers. but here is crazy lady and her inability to control even the slightest emotion.

i know i really need to get a grip. i wish i could figure out how much of this is me that i am not letting god control and how much is actually the medicine jacking with my chemicals. regardless, i could really use your prayers right now.

So it now day 8 of 42 on Wellbutrin. Today was my first dose of 300mg versus the 150mg I was taking last week. The first few days I felt really tired and spacey on it (and it’s a stimulant, so I should have been more awake!) and kind of dizzy, but nothing too bad. I am waiting for the appetite-suppressant effect to kick in…

Maybe it was the double dose but today was the first day I noticed a huge difference in the way I felt. At the risk of sounding corny, I actually felt … SUNNY … today. It was weird, but that was the only word that popped in my mind all day. Side effects have changed a little bit…the stimulant part is kicking in as I was seriously CRACKED OUT several times today. It was like I had 10 shots of espresso or something (and I don’t drink coffee much anymore so that’s a huge thing) - I was really hyper and weird, but a  least Chris found it to be entertaining. It would come and go in waves of spastic-crazy-psycho-lady to normal-I-keep-going-to-bed-really-late feelings. A few headaches that come and go, but really nothing too extreme.

So that’s the story so far. How are YOU doing today?

Hi, I’m Anne. And I’m officially on an anti-depressant. I work at a great church, I am married to the most incredibly patient and loving man, I have some great friends, and I suffer from mild bouts of depression. There. It’s said.

I popped my pill right before eating breakfast this morning. One down, 41 to go. I marked the days on my calendar (perhaps being a wee overdramatic?) and realized that my last day of meds is January 1. Appropriately so. A new year, and hopefully new chemical levels that my body will enjoy.

Thanks for your encouraging words and emails and prayers. I’ve gotten a few emails from people who have been thinking about getting some kind of anti-depressant, so occasionally (maybe weekly), I will post the good, bad and ugly of how Wellbutrin XL is effecting me.

The biggest way depression has effected me in the last couple of years is I have lost my motivation. I used to be extremely movtivated, would love to hang out with friends late into the night, was spontaneous, and lived for the freedoms the weekend brought. Now when my mind isn’t kept busy, I tend to enjoy just being alone - all the time - and feel really sad. And worthless. Sometimes I’d think Chris would be better off not being married to me. Pretty much a selfish pity party I wouldn’t mind wallowing in, but could control when I needed to.

Looking forward to seeing how this will change…

What are your thoughts on taking medicine for Depression or Anxiety?