So, first thanks for your prayers an encouragement from last Saturday’s post.  Instead of dropping back to 150mg of Wellbutrin, I stopped taking it all together. (*Note-don’t ever do that unless you’re under supervision from a doctor!)  I got switched over to Paxil, which affects a different chemical in the brain.  Some friends of mine have had success with it, but more importantly my own brother has been on it for a while and the difference it has made in him his tremendous, without very many side effects.

I haven’t started taking it yet.  Wellbutrin has the world’s longest half-life so it is still in my system for a few more days. I’ll probably start next weekend.  I know this stuff takes time to work and the side-effects diminish over time, but what Wellbutrin did to me was a little more than a side effect…I’d even say I was literally hysterical.  It was so crazy.

On to the next step…

when i feel any emotion intensely, my eyes turn an unbelievable shade of bright green - almost a green-blue color. which is weird. because for the most part, on any given day, they are a boring brown-green hazel color. the day i started high school they actually were blue. i was that nervous.

they’ve been really green the last couple of days. i just looked in the mirror and noticed how green they were. the last couple of days have been hard on me emotionally. maybe the increase in the wellbutrin was too much, but i crashed hard yesterday, and even harder today. i feel like i am having an out of body experience. the real me is floating around somewhere, probably sipping a peppermint mocha and instead, some crazy lady who cries any time a word leaves her mouth, who gets angry at the first sign of tension and who is scared to even be alone has embodied this shell with bright green eyes.

i know the crazy me isn’t really me. and tomorrow, i’m dropping my dosage back to 150. it seemed to be working fine, whereas the 300 is creating a monster. what i hate most about this is the feeling i am letting people down. chris didn’t marry a crazy lady. lake pointe didn’t hire a crazy lady. a crazy lady doesn’t work with my co-workers. but here is crazy lady and her inability to control even the slightest emotion.

i know i really need to get a grip. i wish i could figure out how much of this is me that i am not letting god control and how much is actually the medicine jacking with my chemicals. regardless, i could really use your prayers right now.

So it now day 8 of 42 on Wellbutrin. Today was my first dose of 300mg versus the 150mg I was taking last week. The first few days I felt really tired and spacey on it (and it’s a stimulant, so I should have been more awake!) and kind of dizzy, but nothing too bad. I am waiting for the appetite-suppressant effect to kick in…

Maybe it was the double dose but today was the first day I noticed a huge difference in the way I felt. At the risk of sounding corny, I actually felt … SUNNY … today. It was weird, but that was the only word that popped in my mind all day. Side effects have changed a little bit…the stimulant part is kicking in as I was seriously CRACKED OUT several times today. It was like I had 10 shots of espresso or something (and I don’t drink coffee much anymore so that’s a huge thing) - I was really hyper and weird, but a  least Chris found it to be entertaining. It would come and go in waves of spastic-crazy-psycho-lady to normal-I-keep-going-to-bed-really-late feelings. A few headaches that come and go, but really nothing too extreme.

So that’s the story so far. How are YOU doing today?

Hi, I’m Anne. And I’m officially on an anti-depressant. I work at a great church, I am married to the most incredibly patient and loving man, I have some great friends, and I suffer from mild bouts of depression. There. It’s said.

I popped my pill right before eating breakfast this morning. One down, 41 to go. I marked the days on my calendar (perhaps being a wee overdramatic?) and realized that my last day of meds is January 1. Appropriately so. A new year, and hopefully new chemical levels that my body will enjoy.

Thanks for your encouraging words and emails and prayers. I’ve gotten a few emails from people who have been thinking about getting some kind of anti-depressant, so occasionally (maybe weekly), I will post the good, bad and ugly of how Wellbutrin XL is effecting me.

The biggest way depression has effected me in the last couple of years is I have lost my motivation. I used to be extremely movtivated, would love to hang out with friends late into the night, was spontaneous, and lived for the freedoms the weekend brought. Now when my mind isn’t kept busy, I tend to enjoy just being alone - all the time - and feel really sad. And worthless. Sometimes I’d think Chris would be better off not being married to me. Pretty much a selfish pity party I wouldn’t mind wallowing in, but could control when I needed to.

Looking forward to seeing how this will change…

What are your thoughts on taking medicine for Depression or Anxiety?