FlowerDust.net | Anne Jackson

flushing my phone down the toilet

as long as i’ve been able to, i’ve been getting email on my phone. maybe four years or so? i dunno.

i’ve always felt this sense that if i wasn’t in the loop or didn’t know something, the whole world would come crumbling down. what if someone left dirty comments on my blog? i can fix that from my phone. what if a friend emailed me an urgent prayer request? what if….?

chris and i have done a lot of traveling over the last month to see family before we move to nashville. on these trips, i haven’t cracked open my computer. i don’t even keep my phone with me all the time. and you know what? i haven’t missed it.

i have over 20 unread emails in my personal account. and another 44 that came in over the weekend that i read last night and haven’t responded to. and i’m learning that nobody’s died and no wars were started because i haven’t responded.

lately, i’ve been pondering ditching the email and data plan on my phone. sure, i’ll lose some cool things like my GPS/google maps, twitter, and google reader…but it’s been sounding really good lately.

part of me doesn’t like spending the extra 50 bucks a month to get all that i “need.” part of me knows i have low self control and low self esteem to boot so i am always feeling the compulsion to check my phone and see if i’m “needed.” part of me realizes i’m setting an example for people around me of how i respect and honor those i’m with.

most of me has been cherishing the time away from my phone and in front of my husband or friends totally focused on them instead of the “buzzzzz….buzzzz….” chris saying, “can you please put your phone away?” has happened too often and i’m sure for every time he says it, he isn’t saying it the other ten times.

so really…i’m thinking of going back to the basics.

have you ever been tempted?

EDIT: As of lunch time, I took the plunge. I canceled it. Only voice and text (and only a handful of people have my number so I don’t get pinged with texts very often). I’m excited to see what this freedom brings!

addicted to cutting and self-injury

my friend lynse wrote about such an incredibly personal struggle and beautiful redemption. personally, this is something i have no experience with, but i know with the amount of readers that pop by, maybe some of you have dealt with this or know someone who has.

lynse shares her journey about cutting. cutting (and other forms of self-injury) is defined as “a deliberate injury inflicted by a person upon their own body without suicidal intent.”

lynse gave me full permission to post the entire story, and i encourage you to visit her blog to encourage her and celebrate with her. also, i actually do ask that you repost her story…so many people suffer with this addiction in silence. i know lynse personally. i was honored to be in her wedding, and just from seeing her and getting to know her, i would never have guessed this was something she struggled with. chances are someone you know might be hurting themselves, too and you would never suspect a thing.

lynse writes:

To most the thought of harming yourself would be so outlandish that you would look at me like i was crazy if i told you that it makes sense to me.

I am choosing to write about this because there is such a need around this generation to bring light and truth to the fact that a lot of this generation is stuck in the rut of Self Injury. It is a painful place to be and takes a lot to get past. It is a dark place to get stuck. And as statistics are showing there are a lot of people stuck there.

So i want to share my story……

I started “cutting” when i was 13. I dont fully remember how i was introduced to it, but within a few days had taken root in my life. The pain that was so deep inside of me was killing me. i was allowing myself to die emotionally. It was a fight that i didnt want to take place but had no idea of how to stop it. It seemed meaningless to fight to keep them alive when i viewed them as the things that were causing me so much pain.

So my only solution to make sure that i was not dying totally was to hurt myself. To feel the pain on the outside assured me that i was still alive. That there was still hope. At least that it how it all started. It started out of my desire for hope. For some feeling to let me know that i was alive. That i could still feel something. That one day maybe i would feel again.

Soon it became an addiction. I had my way of doing it. I had my “ritual.” The when and how. within 2 months it had moved past the need for hope. My body and mind were addicted to the feeling. To the release that it gave me. My rage towards myself and other people had grown so much that i didnt know how to release it. And i thought this was a good way.

As time went on whether i had a bad day or not i had to cut. I had to do it each night before i went to bed. It calmed me enough to rest and go to sleep. (and about addiction, still to this day if i experience intense pain i get tired because my mind was trained to go to sleep after pain.)

I share this because i know that there are people who are in this rut. And honestly, it breaks my heart. because being on the other side of this “journey” for hope i have found that the only hope that there is is in Christ. I know, i sound super spiritual….but it is true.

The only way that i could figure that out was to get to the darkest part of my life. I was in such darkness. I had been cutting for 4 years and no one knew. I had a secret. And it was a dark dark place to be in. full of pain and the desire to get caught in hope that someone could help me. I was tired of the darkness. And the only solution i knew was to come clean. To get someone in my head and share the journey with.

This was key for me. To let someone in and know the pains and the hurts. I knew that if i let this remain in the darkness it would grow bigger and bigger. and the thing that once started in the search for hope was driving me further and further away from it.

The person i went to had no idea what to say. She often looked at me dumbfounded. the thought of doing that to herself was so absurd that she couldnt understand. But she listened. She was determined to help me in any ways she could, even though she didnt understand.

You cant wait until you understand to help someone. And this is what i see happening. So many people know people who self injure and are trying to learn why they do it. Each person has their story. And if you ask, i am sure they will share. It is a very dangerous thing to get into. You may not realize the roots that it can create in your life. But i would encourage you to share your story with someone.

But without sounding like a public service announcement, if you self injure or know someone who does please please please let someone in. Let someone into your darkness. It will hurt at first. It will be uncomfortable. It will be embarrassing. But if you live in the darkness alone your life will never change. Let someone in and bring the light into your pain.

Find your hope.

an atheist’s response to “things you can’t say in church”

my friend hemant, aka, friendlyatheist, reposted monday’s blog about keeping your mouth shut.

his readers have left some interesting comments.

one comment in particular, caught my attention.

greta writes,

I gotta say, I don’t know if I could say anything harsher or more critical than the comments people actually made on the original post. I’m actually sort of impressed. A lot of them sound more hard-line atheist than me. I just can’t figure out why half of them keep going to church if that’s how they feel.

The one that made me want to cry:

Raising my hand:
“Umm, pastor… I have a question.”

Damn. If that’s the thing you can’t say in church, there is something seriously wrong.

now, don’t get me wrong. that post wasn’t there to make everyone feel guilty or anything. i just wanted to know deep down, what some of your thoughts were and how you felt.

why do we feel that way? thoughts?

keeping your mouth shut!

what is something you feel you can’t say in church, or around other christians?

for example…mine would be, “i suck at reading my bible.”

funny, serious, whatever…what’s yours?

weekend thought: what is influence?

a friend of mine was talking about mother theresa yesterday…how she was significantly influential, but “to influence” was never her pursuit…” she only wanted to love and care for the sick, the unloved, the least, the dying. to allow the actions of jesus to be expressed in her everyday life.

it made me think of this quote from an oswald chamber’s sermon:

“The people who influence us the most are not those who detain us with their continual talk, but those who live their lives like the stars in the sky and “the lilies of the field”— simply and unaffectedly. Those are the lives that mold and shape us.

If you want to be of use to God, maintain the proper relationship with Jesus Christ by staying focused on Him, and He will make use of you every minute you live— yet you will be unaware, on the conscious level of your life, that you are being used of Him.”

i pray to be this kind of influencer.

resolving my dual personalities

a few people have recently brought to my attention a disconnect between my blogging personality and my in person personality. on my blog, i use phrases like “shut yo mouth” and “turn it up, baby!” which i would never, ever say in person.

unless i was heavily medicated.

it’s true - it’s super easy for me to write using lots of !!! and CAPS and i am certainly a blog extrovert. as shaun said in africa, “you’re much more reserved in person…” and it’s true.

i took the myers-briggs test today (like the official one) and i ended up being an INFJ, or Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging.

i’m not that introverted…it was almost split down the middle. my two strongest characteristics were judging (90%) and feeling (70%).

FEELING? WHAT? did you NOT just say you were a thinker?

yeah…so i thought. i guess i was in denial.

anyway…since i am beginning to meet more of you in person, i just thought i’d give you a heads up.

if you want to know the details of my personality, this page right here pretty much sums it up 110000%.

have you ever taken the myers-briggs? what were your results?

the brazen spinach dip and fear

i’ll be honest. i didn’t know who penelope trunk was a few months ago. a friend said she was a fab writer, and as an aspiring fab writer myself, i figured i should click on over.

hooked. on. sentence. one.

imagine my delight when i discovered she was going to be speaking at south by southwest. imagine my heartache when i discovered she was speaking at the same time as kathy sierra.

oh well. i could get the kathy podcast later.

after an amazingly brutal career advice conversation with the crowd (i love this woman even more now) i stood in line to bid a fond (and admittedly nervous) hello. something she had said earlier about people being afraid to be amazing and great really resonated with some things i’m internalizing at the moment.

so my question for her at the end?

“what would you say to someone who’s afraid to be great?”

“well, uh, you have some food in your teeth.”

lovely. bloody spinach dip. $^@%#!

“you need to surround yourself with people who will tell you that you have food between your teeth.”

she encouraged me to find people who fail, so i can learn. she inspired me to set huge, ginormous goals. to find people who dream big too.

**
now, i know i am not the only one who’s struggling with that fear - the fear of being great. and if you have asked the why and the how of overcoming that fear…

don’t worry.

the fact you are asking that question in itself means you care.

and you will be great.

(that’s the last little bit she told me).

and with the smallest little bit of oomph in my heart, i said thank you, we said goodbye, and i scurried off to the bathroom to pick the spinach out of my teeth.