last week, i mentioned something chris had said about living in america but not living an american lifestyle. over the last few months, we have made some drastic changes that have helped us look at needs vs. wants vs. reality differently.

in oklahoma city, we lived in a brand new luxury apartment in downtown. when we moved to nashville, we could have moved into a cottage in the famous downtown franklin (read: trendy and expensive) or into a 1970’s townhome in older west nashville, sight unseen.

we chose the townhome. it’s a few hundred dollars a month cheaper. and it has wood paneling. which i have grown to love.

yet i am still tempted. i am still plagued. with the speaking engagements, and inevitable public appearances that come with widely releasing a book, i feel i must look a certain way. dress a certain way. have my hair a certain way. lose those “last 10 pounds.”

because i feel as if i don’t, people won’t take me seriously.

i am a jeans a tee shirt kind of girl. i don’t always match. on purpose. i love my flip flops. it literally takes a wedding or a funeral to get me dressed up. it really hasn’t mattered much to me…until now.

i have to admit, i’m feeling the pressure.

would it be so terrible to wear my (nice) jeans and my (nice) shirt when i talk to pastors who are old enough to be my dad? will they take me seriously? will my glasses make me look smarter, or be a barrier for eye contact? will they notice that i’m 28? does it matter i’m a girl with nine hours of college credit, and only three of those were a bible class that i barely passed? should i get my nails done?

[welcome to the inside of my mind]

it would be easy for me to drop a grand on a new wardrobe that would make me look like i have my stuff together. i could look really sharp, no doubt. i could hire someone who knows something about how to dress people so i don’t feel so darn self conscious.

but i really don’t think that would truthfully represent me — all of me.

yet i feel the pressure. and i’m struggling with it. i think deep down inside, i know it doesn’t matter. but i so feel that it does…

do you?

it may sound like it from what i’ve written before, but i’m really not about trying to pass the buck. i realize leaders have a responsibility to find accountability and talk about their issues.

but what is it that makes leaders feel unsafe to share sin in the church world?

why did hundreds of pastors and church leaders who took my mad church disease survey last year say that they were afraid of accountability, or that they have it but they lie in that relationship?

what can we do to make people feel less judged and more loved when they confess?

that fear holds so many people back methinks.

last night, i asked you what you’d like to hear if you were attending a breakout session or workshop about burnout.

“how do i say no?” was probably one of the most answered responses.

so…now i get to ask you, why can’t we say no? should we say no? how can we discern when to say no?

monday, i asked the question, “how do you feel when you go to church?”

the responses were all over the place…”at home”…”worried”…”disgusted”…”excited”

today, the question is…

how does the church feel about you?

there are so many comparisons between physical anatomy and the body of christ in scripture.  and similar to our physical health, we should be striving for harmony and unity amongst all the body’s parts.

when i was twenty six, i had my gallbladder removed.  it stopped functioning and died.  and it was making me incredibly sick. even eating a little bit of food would make me throw up and have tremendous amounts of pain.

but once it was removed, everything started working better.

so…how does the church feel about you? are you functioning and encouraging growth and health? or are you a dead organ that needs to be removed?

fill in the blank:

when i go to church, i feel _________.

i thought i’d share a few little blurbs with you from my article for the catalyst groupzine.  as soon as i know when you can order them, and when they’ll be available, i’ll let you know.

my article is called “the lonely leader and the power of truth” and here are a couple of thoughts from it:

Fear and loneliness are two inseparable lovers with a tragic common denominator: they seek to destroy the Kingdom within.

and

Sadly, we’ve often become so structured there’s no time to experience real life together.  We’re obligated to schedules and appearances but not to each other.  The business of community satisfies our addiction to productivity, but does nothing to nourish the anemia that is afflicting us.

as a leader…do you struggle with loneliness?  do you find that fear isolates you?