the reason i asked about the “30 days to live” is because my friends over at lifechurch.tv are starting a very compelling and original series this coming weekend with that title. i love lifechurch, and since chris works saturday nights (when i’m usually home writing or cleaning or something) recently i’ve been watching their service at 7 pm via the internet campus.

anyway, what makes this series so compelling? every week, they sit down with people who have very limited time left on earth…people who actually know that they may just have 30 days to live. wow. wow.

you can check out the website for the series here. i know i’ll be tuning in at 7 pm on saturday (and i’m usually in the channel 1 “guest lobby” for a few minutes beforehand.) i’d love it if you’d join me!

thank you all for your very thought-provoking responses. and man, are they all over the place. if you haven’t had a chance to read through them, check them out.

as someone who regularly struggles with fear and “what ifs,” just the concept behind this series has caused me to really think through why i worry so much….and wonder where my boldness has gone. it doesn’t cause me to live in regret, but i guess tune in a little more to what is going on around me now, in the day-to-day…and how the day-to-day is part of a really long time we’ll just call eternity.

from reuters.com

MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - A woman in Mexico City kept the body of her dead husband by her bedside for a year until neighbors, disturbed by the smell, called the police.

Police broke down Mercedes Velarde’s door on Tuesday and found the putrefied body of her husband Edmundo on the floor of her bedroom.

Authorities said on Wednesday they were investigating Velarde’s claim her husband died of natural causes. They believe the man, in his early 60s, had mental problems that may have been linked to his death.

Local media reported that Velarde’s son regularly helped remove worms infesting his father’s body.

Police could not confirm the reports but said her two adult children knew their mother was keeping the body.

The family is being examined by a psychiatrist. After an autopsy, the family could face criminal charges or be sent to a psychiatric hospital.

Authorities said hiding a dead person, even a family member, is a crime.

“Yes, these people have psychological problems, (but) they hid a corpse. Even if it is a family member, they committed a crime,” Veronica Sanchez at the Mexico City attorney general’s office told Reuters.

how many things do we hang on to instead of properly burying them? i know for me, past relationships and mistakes easily haunt me. living and replaying moments i regret over and over again in my head do nothing but bring me down and take my eyes of the present.

this is a really gross story, but so applicable to almost every area of our lives…don’t you think?

today, as i do around the first part of every month, i send out invoices to my freelance clients. licking envelopes is not part of my daily routine. and every time i do lick one, i think of the seinfeld episode, “the invitations,” where susan dies from licking all those cheap envelopes.

Doctor: Excuse me , Are you the husband?

George: Well , not yet.. Fiancé.

Doctor: Well , I’m sorry…..She’s gone.

George: ………What’s that?…

Doctor: She expired.

George: …Are you sure?

Doctor: Yes , of course.

George: So…..She’s dead?

Doctor: Yes

George: …Huh!

Doctor: Let me ask you ; Had she been exposed to any kind of inexpensive glue?

George: …Why?

Doctor: We found traces of a certain toxic adhesive commonly found in very low priced envelopes.

George: Well she was sending out our wedding invitations.

Doctor: That’s probably what did it.

George: We were expecting about two hundred people…Well…Thank you , thank you.

every time…

insomnia has been a dear acquaintance (unwelcomed, mostly) for the last four years. i’ve finally found some medicine which actually helps me sleep…usually.

this morning at about 3:58, i’m awakened by our wonderful, adorable, fuzzy cats playing with one of my (formerly) beaded (now the beads are scattered all over our bathroom) bracelets. i take care of the mess, and try to go back to bed.

current time: 4:00 am.

about half an hour later, after unsuccessfully attempting to find the place where my dreams await, i feel something tickling my shoulder and my neck. at first, it think it’s probably a pulled thread from our comforter.

until it starts crawling.

without thinking, i reach back and crunch whatever it is in my right hand. i tell chris, who has already been awake now for a good 5 minutes, that i’m turning on my lamp, even though i really don’t want to see what was violating me so early in the morning.

yes. a spider. probably not a brown recluse like the one shown in exhibit a above, but it was the only brown spider google images would provide me.

not willing to touch it (as i am terrified of spiders), chris gets a kleenex and throws it away.

so here at 5:13 am, i sit awake on our couch. my cats are asleep. my husband is asleep, but my pulse is averaging about 105 bpm.

maybe this morning i’ll exercise and get into work early.

we just have crickets at work.

no spiders.

no spiders.

no spiders.

(assumes rocking position with her arms wrapped around her legs and eyes wide open)…

have you ever wanted to get your butt kicked? chuck norris is the first person that came to mind when i thought about getting a can opened up on me.

no, i’m not a masochist. but there are some areas in my life (specifically today, fear and lack of faith) where i wish someone would just put me in a room, lock the door, and do whatever it takes in order to purge such things from my daily life.

one memorable butt kicking was when i was 19 and one month away from marrying the wrong guy. my best friend of seven years drove up to dallas from abilene, sat me down, and refused to be my maid of honor because she knew this guy wasn’t “the one.” several hours later, i had faced up to the fact she was right (even though i had known it all along, but was too afraid to call the wedding off). it still took a couple of weeks, but i did call off the relationship. but it literally took a butt kicking for me to allow the walls to fall and for me to do the right (and scary) thing.

the second major butt kicking i had was in 2005. in august, i was hospitalized for what they thought was appendicitis. i was in the hospital about 6 days and on serious painkillers the entire time. the hospital staff weren’t the brightest and didn’t help me wean off the meds, so i went into a minor withdrawal, and resorted to “ER hopping” to get weekly fixes of prescription painkillers; they practically hand them out like candy for any sort of ailment. anyway, chris caught on and one early october morning (2:30 am) physically restrained me from leaving to get more medicine. i enrolled in therapy and took a several week leave of absence from work in order for my body to go through the withdrawal process and become healthy again.

confession
the last couple of weeks, i guess with the down time of being sick and intentionally laying a little lower than normal has caused me to reflect on this area in my life. fear and anxiety have always haunted me since may 6, 2001 - the day i was in a crazy car accident. at times, the fear is debilitating and completely occupies my mind. i know this is hurting many of my relationships, and i totally let it control my life at times.

next week, i’ll be revisiting the site of my wreck (outside oklahoma city, photo below, thanks to this okc friend who snapped this for me last week.) This is the grassy area about 150 feet off the I-35 North where our SUV landed after spinning several times across the highway, and down a small hill. we landed in that fence.

i’ve felt god really nudging me to meet Him at this spot while i’m in OKC next week, and i wonder what will come out of our meeting.

so, i am praying for a good butt kicking. it may not be chuck norris (although, that would be rather humorous), but this fear crap is something i have GOT to get over.

if anyone out there feels like locking me in a room and yelling at me…drop me a note.

Pardon this interruption to the “Power of Human Need” discussion. It is so beautiful outiside today and I am becoming more and more restless…more and more nervous.

Some job possibilities are in their final stages and all are up in the air. This is the last week I can afford to not be working. I actually don’t have health/life/dental insurance as of tomorrow (but have some starting up next week through Chris’ job.) I don’t know if we are going to be staying here in Kansas City, or moving somewhere. I’ve put my eggs in two baskets - and maybe that’s not wise to do - but I am getting more anxious by the day that either of them might not work out - Thinking worse-case scenario of course. I’ve never not worked for this long. I’m thankful we could afford me taking the break I have, but I’m beginning to feel a lack of purpose in my life. I know there is a reason for this holding pattern…I just don’t know what it is. I thought everything would be figured out a couple of weeks ago and nothing is figured out. Each time my phone rings I hope that when I see the number, it would be something that will show us direction. It’s usually a sales call, which I ignore and let fall into voicemail.

Last night I got sick to my stomach. It was probably a bad combination of spicy Thai food, a late Starbucks run and worry.

I know…I know He has things under control. I know he holds my tomorrow and he’s holding my hand. I just wonder if I am not listening….if I am missing something….or not being obedient in some way.

It’s beautiful outside…I can’t keep sitting in front of this machine…my escape into the outdoors is imminent…and prayers are appreciated, although I couldn’t tell you exactly what I need prayer for.