my google homepage has widgets.

one of these widgets produces random quotes.

one of these random quotes said this:

There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love, but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be. ~Pearl S. Buck - US author, Pulitzer and Nobel Prize Laureate

so tell us, has your heart ever been broken by a dream dismissed?

describe:

trust is not a four-letter word.
[at least, that is what i keep reminding myself]

i think you know the place of which i speak.
the small area
[approximately the size of a quarter, i'd imagine]
which rests in the center of your chest:
between the cages of your ribs
beneath the muscles and tissues
of your heart and of your lungs

this is the place we feel trust
[or lack thereof]

at its most intense times
[when betrayal is fresh]
the pain and discomfort
radiate across our entire being

the tension in the neck
the pressure on your stomach
nauseated
[imagine the tire of a texas-sized truck
running over your torso
repeatedly; repeatedly]

arms folded
trying to protect the emotional;
the spiritual;
the mental;
using physical means
survival.

logical redemption?

with grace
and time
forgiveness chosen
the once overwhelming
sensation of suffocation
retreats back into
aforementioned quarter-sized area
and quietly refrains
from causing disturbances

emerging and unsuspecting

hibernation
by definition
conserves energy in
those frigid winter months

but once the warmth of the sun
touches the air
[touches my being]
instead of spring
the fear of feeling
those things that have been
felt before
[crushing me before]
[shredding me before]
emerge

questioning this new light
[or this one? or this one?]
is real; shining; radiating?

perhaps another fluorescent clone
which will project
a washing out of my skin
[grey
lifeless?]

i find myself
staying…

…buried

still afraid
and unable to find it.

[to find trust]

and as a poetic man
expressed similarly
i find truth in his art:

remember the words
of someone
someone I used to know
love everyone
but keep them
far from your soul.

seven years ago this week, my friend matthew died on his 31st birthday. i was about to head to bed the night before, but saw him come online on my instant messenger and told him happy birthday. he said he had bought a new bike and if i ever made it up to tulsa (he came to dallas a lot), we’d have to go riding.

the next day, after a late night work meeting, i came home to an answering machine full of messages from our mutual friends. evidently matt had gone for a ride on his new bike and his heart stopped. they were unable to revive him. and he passed away.

i remember standing in center my living room alone. it felt like the world had come to a standstill. all of my surroundings became sucked away like i was in a black hole.

what was crazy about this was there were so many things about matt nobody knew until after he died. the places and how frequently he volunteered. the tattoo he had. matt was the first close friend i had who had died.

i flew up to tulsa for his funeral. i sat on the second row, behind his family, in a group of his closest friends. i wasn’t sure how to react. on the flight back, a flight attendant offered me a glass (well, plastic cup) of wine. even though i was underage, she said it looked like i needed it. i didn’t argue.

i unfolded my slightly damp napkin and scribbled on the back my recollections of the day:

silhouettes of black pass by and
flowers fragrant overwhelm
the heavy air of sadness for
you’re gone and in this madness
i close my eyes, remember
when we met upon that december
day and now you’re gone
(not far away)
for on another day we’ll see
each other and embrace just
like there was no other time that
had come between now and the minute
when we said our last goodbye

and now i start to cry

standing for one last time
i gaze upon your face and say farewell
until we meet again, my friend
close your eyes so peacefully rest
your hands folded upon your chest
as silhouettes of black pass by and
flowers fragrant overwhelm

================================================

three years ago this week, my dad’s sister, my aunt, also passed away. she had an undiscovered brain aneurysm. it had ruptured, and despite several attempts to save her, she eventually passed away too. chris and i lived in kansas city, but i got on the first plane i could and flew down to dallas.

my aunt was crazy. literally. she was loud, and caring, and animated. she loved holidays and every summer when we’d visit my cousin, i would swim in their pool. we’d play pinball, pingpong, and watch cowboys games on their tv.

christmas isn’t the same without her, or her nacho cheese sauce.

================================================

matthew & sharon…i miss you both. i love you both. and i am remembering you both fondly this week.

one of my favorite bands for a long time has been the band ours. frontman jimmy gnecco’s voice is as close to perfection as one can get on earth. he is certainly influenced by jeff buckley, but far more poetic and spiritual (although i am not sure of his specific beliefs).

chris and i saw them on valentine’s day at the curtain club in dallas. i documented it obscurely here. ours is returning to dallas on may 24 at the house of blues and i will be there.

there is something in his voice, his words, his mood, his stage presence and his passion that allows me to shut off the surrounding word and somehow it all meshes together in my heart and i am able to converse with god so freely through whatever it is that i am feeling inside. each of his songs somehow defines a point in my life - past, present, or future - and somehow my soul just is able to breathe through it all.

probably the most influential song in my present time is this song called “i heard you singing.” you can actually download a free legal copy (and i suggest you download as many songs as you can).

here are the lyrics to “i heard you singing:”

I Heard You Singing
Jimmy Gnecco
Unreleased

Stop thinking it’s ok
Things are gonna change
You can’t go on like this again
You can’t avoid the day
You’re the star that blasts away

I heard you singing
Heard you sing, you sang to us
You sang Hallelujah
How we’d lose ourselves, ourselves

Stop drinking it’s a waste
Things have lost their taste
The light that circled ’round you face
Has gone and now replaced with a darker tone again

I heard you singing
Heard you sing, you sang to us
You sang Hallelujah
How we’d lose ourselves, ourselves

Are we better on our own?
Are we better on our own?

Was I good?
Was I brave?
Did I throw it all away?
There’s a light in the crack
He’s never coming back
I got lost in the wind
And I messed up everything

Till I heard you singing
I heard you sing, you sang to us
You sang Hallelujah
How’d we lose ourselves??, ourselves?

I heard you singing
I heard you sing, you sang

anything sparking your soul lately? music? a book? something you’ve seen?

i know there is Truth.
and i thought i knew truth.
fortunately for all of us
they can be mutually exclusive

{although, they shouldn’t be}

when sorrow redeemed itself
i found the grace i had hidden

but when light shined brightest,
grace became lost in the shadow
of memories and questions

everywhere
and it’s a good thing
moving so fast
and finding it hard to stop
at least i can rest in
the fact you
are in each in breath
filling my lungs
circulating in my veins
coursing with each beat
through my heart

thank you