sorry i haven’t been around much this week. it has been crazy at work as we are getting near to the one prayer launch.

my friend pete continued the “boobie” discussion over at his blog today…from a man’s point of view.

you should check it out!

what the?

yep.

as some of you know, i am buddies with the guys over at deadly viper, and they let me do some cool stuff over there…(like blog…) because as we know, the seven deadly assassins don’t just target guys.

so next week, we are having a very frank discussion about sex on the deadly viper blog.

and we want your questions.

nothing is off limits. at all. don’t believe me? read the post mike has up today.

feel free to post your questions here or if you’d rather keep it private, feel free to email me at anne {at} flowerdust {dot} net.

NOW…

i realize some people think we talk about stuff like this to the extreme level we do for sensationalism or to create a buzz or just to get comments.

please hear my heart when i say

THAT IS NOT IT AT ALL.

we realize that just because we are christians…it doesn’t mean we don’t struggle with things, or wonder things, and wonder what the bible says (or doesn’t say) about sex.

this will be uncomfortable. even when mike, jud and i were emailing today about next week, i was literally squirming in my seat too. i was uncomfortable. and chances are, if you were to ask me these questions face to face, i’d blush and stutter and sweat.

but hey, blogging just might allow us to be a little more vulnerable. to have time to process things and respond. and to ask and answer questions appropriately…just a little bit more easily, perhaps.

(also, feel free to comment anonymously).

i look forward to the conversation.

ok, married people, sex does rule (cue 80s lingo flashback…now).

but that’s not what we’re going to talk about.

i’d like for us to discuss THE sex RULE.

“the rule” (for lack of a better term) that most churches have which states a married woman and a married man cannot be alone (car rides, office time, counseling, meals, travel, etc.) with a member of the opposite sex that is not his or her spouse.

all of the churches i have been employed by have “the rule.”

yet, i was talking with a friend who is also on staff at a church who does not have the rule. he thinks it’s a little legalistic.

another friend said,

“you know that whole theory where people live up to the expectations set before them? to me, this rule says, ‘we don’t trust you to make wise decisions on your own, so we’re enforcing a rule that might help keep you out of trouble.’ of course people are still having affairs and getting involved inappropriately. they’ve already been told they can’t be trusted!!”

one church i was on staff at a while back had the rule, and yet within a couple of years, four staff members, including three in public leadership, had affairs. and this happens all the time. to churches with “the rule” in place.

so…what do you think? is “the rule” necessary? should husbands and wives involved in church leadership set “their rule” instead of the church? does it really prevent anything? or is it a darn good idea that protects leaders? what do your “rules” look like if you have any??

because of the africa trip and all the link love we’ve been passing around, i’ve noticed there are a lot of new readers over here on flowerdust. so i’d like to say welcome! you probably think the only thing i ever write about is africa (and trust me, there are many many more posts to be written about the trip), but i wanted to share an article i wrote for relevant magazine a little over a year ago. it has absolutely nothing to do with africa, but has everything to do with the girl behind these words.

porn addiction is an ugly thing, and stats show over 1/3 of porn viewers are female - and that is just the number of women who are courageous enough to admit to it. stigmatized as a man’s problem, after this article was published, i’ve received literally hundreds of emails from women who are desperate to confess and be restored.

it’s been a few years since this monster has reared its head in my life, but that doesn’t mean i don’t think about the grace and the healing every day of my life. saying goodbye to this addiction IS possible. if you read this and it strikes a chord, please feel free to contact me. i’d love to help in any way i can.

DIRTY GIRLS, THE NEW PORN ADDICTS

The last place you’d expect to see a porno would be the living room of a pastor.

But in between my family’s Christmas portrait and a broken, dot matrix printer sat a computer screen. Little did I know the place where I typed up book reports or instant messaged my friends would also become the doorway to an endless amount of forbidden fruit—and an endless amount of guilt.

Growing up the daughter of a Baptist preacher-man, I was the 16-year-old poster child for naiveté. My family had just moved from a small, secluded west Texas town to Dallas, and within a matter of days in my new residence, I was bombarded by the prevalent sexual culture of a big city.

Strip clubs and billboards lined the highways. There was a giant sex store just a few miles from our house. Ignited teenage hormones and the temptation to give in to my curiosity proved to be a dangerous combination.

My parents and brother were fast asleep as I connected to the internet one night. I searched for the word “sex” and within seconds had access to a sea of well endowed platinum blondes doing things with guys (and girls) that I’d never seen before.

Because I lived at home and the only computer was in the living room, there weren’t many opportunities to do my “sexual education research,” but whenever I was alone, I’d quickly satisfy my interest.

I graduated from high school my junior year and moved out when I was only 17 years old. I had my own space with my own computer, and all the free time in the world. I’d go to work (at a local Christian bookstore), come home, and look at porn almost every night.

I frequented erotic chat rooms, watched movies and browsed through hundreds and hundreds of pictures. Soon my porn binges started affecting my performance at work and my relationships.

Of course I never mentioned my struggle to anyone. Looking at porn was typical, even expected, for guys but a girl? A girl who likes porn? I often questioned my sexual orientation.

Why did I like looking at naked women? Was I gay? Bisexual? A pervert? I hated what I was doing so much. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t stop.

The cycle continued for years. Binging, feeling guilty and swearing I’d never do it again, only to give in a few days later. I prayed for God to take the desires away. That’s when I realized it was more than just looking at pictures.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and I had more than enough pictures saved in my memory to reflect back on, even if I was able to stay off the computer for a while.

So, why do women struggle with this? Although stereotypically we’re not as visually stimulated as our male counterparts, we’re not blind either. There is something about a woman’s body that is beautiful and mysterious and even forbidden, and that toys with our psyche and tempts us.

At least for me, viewing these outwardly flawless women fed a huge emotional need. I was able to put myself in the role of what I was seeing, and by doing that, it made me feel beautiful and accepted.

I was transformed into a perfect, sexy body, and I was desired and wanted. I was able to escape my own flawed physical appearance and be transformed, in my mind, to this perfect woman.

My online activities also played out in my daily life. I was engaged for about a year and cheated on my fiancée. After that, I “dated” several new guys a month, getting physically involved with them in some regard.

According to everything I had seen, to be accepted and loved meant a sexual relationship, and what girl doesn’t need to be accepted and loved? I gave so many pieces of my body and my heart away during those years.

When I was 21, I was in a serious car accident that caused me to reevaluate how I was living my life. At the time, I was pretending like there was no God, except for when I needed His forgiveness, and only then would I come running back to Him. After the wreck, something finally clicked, and I realized that love does not equal sex.

It was at that moment when I decided to turn around—to change my thinking—and then my actions would eventually (and hopefully) follow. I had to say goodbye to my online habits, and to my offline ones as well.

It’s been close to 10 years since my first encounter with online porn, and I’d like to admit I’ve had a perfect run at purity. I wish I could say I’ve always lingered on the right thoughts or shut down the computer when the temptation got to be too much, but the truth is, I haven’t.

I’m still a girl who struggles. I’m still a girl who lives one day at a time, depending on a God whose design for sex and love is so far beyond what I could even imagine. So each and every day, I pray for God to first direct my thinking and then redirect it as necessary.

And I’m grateful that He is faithful to meet me somewhere between the mouse and the computer screen.

cindy wraps it up…

Better Than New

I remember telling my husband many, many weeks after his confession something that he couldn’t believe. We had been walking out our new life the best we knew how. We had embraced our new surroundings and jobs. We had begun to heal. And I told him that if I had the choice to go back to our old life, that I wouldn’t do it. He was pretty surprised to hear me say that. I mean, after all the pain his actions caused me, here I am telling him that I’m thankful that I endured it so that we could have what we have now.

Our pastor, Craig, preached to our congregation at the Edmond Campus about Chris’ confession and told them “we are going to believe God that they will be better than new”. He wasn’t kidding. Neither were they. We are so better than new. We are better than we ever imagined. We are better than anybody thought we’d ever be.

Chris and I are best friends and our marriage is blessed with an increasing passion for each other. (Ahem) We have had countless opportunities to minister to couples and individuals who are walking through similar challenges. (I expect this to increase as I’ve recently finished writing a book of a more detailed account of our journey.) Chris’ son has become one of the greatest blessings to our family. My relationship with his mother is so extraordinary that many jaws hit the floor when I describe it. Chris’ influence and impact at LifeChurch.tv continues to humble him as he never thought he’d ever participate in ministry again. Most importantly, my heart is full. My cup runneth over. I have a man who adores me and isn’t afraid to show it. And my trust in him is growing daily.

There are many things I don’t know in life. I don’t understand algebra. Just don’t get all that abstract math. I don’t get how a heavy airplane can stay up in the sky and not fall to the ground. I know it’s about jets and thrust and stuff like that, but it still doesn’t make sense to me. I wish I knew why innocent people have to suffer. If I did, I’d bottle up the formula to fix their problems and give it away. Don’t know lots of things.

But, here’s what I do know.

According to the Bible, I serve a big God. He created the Universe in less than a week. He formed mountains and scooped out valleys with His hands. He is everywhere, all the time. He can change a heart with the snap of his fingers. He can bring sight to a blind man with some dirt and saliva. He can part a sea and allow his people to cross on dry land. He can make walls fall down with the blast of a trumpet. He can keep a man from being eaten by lions. He can bring forth a child through a virgin. He can turn a Pharisee into a martyr for Christ. He can transform a fisherman into a minister of the gospel. He brings peace that no one can explain. He is truly a remarkable God. My marriage is living proof.

I remember asking God one day how He was going to take this awful situation and use it for His good (Romans 8:28). Tears were streaming down my face and I had no idea how I would survive this. God spoke ever so gently to my heart and here is what He said:

God: Remember when you told me that you would go through anything in order to bring glory to my name? Me: Uh-huh, sniff, sniff.
God: I’m taking you up on your offer.

Trust Him.

He is faithful and loving and kind and tender and good and miraculous and
amazing. He will carry you when you can walk no more and He will strengthen you when you need to make the journey. He is true to His word and will do what He says he is going to do. I promise because He promises and He does not disappoint.

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god’s grace is nothing short of amazing!

Let the Healing Begin

The morning I woke up to head back to Oklahoma from Texas was the first morning in weeks that peace was upon me. Actually, peace covered me like a blanket and let me tell you, it was well received. While it was only a few weeks in the pit of despair, it felt like a lifetime.

Chris greeted us with open arms and a warm home. He’d spent that week grieving himself and hoping his wife would return to give it another shot. We were about to embark on the most difficult road ever…the road to healing and restoration.

While there were plenty who were skeptical of Chris’ heart, he proved to be the real deal. Many men in his situation might have waited to find a “better” job…one more comparable to his previous one. Chris, on the other hand, only wanted to provide for his family doing whatever was necessary. He began selling 2X4’s at a local home improvement store and did that successfully for 18 months.

It is not by accident that I landed a part-time position at LifeChurch.tv just six weeks after Chris’ resignation. I was around the lead pastors on a daily basis and I’m sure my face was a litmus test as to the condition of our marriage. Not only that, but these amazing men and our congregation, led by our senior pastor, Craig Groeschel, supported and loved us from day one. Many ministers who fall into this type of sin end up next to the curb. Even though it was difficult, my pastor and friend took the narrow road for which I am forever grateful.

Chris began to build back my trust in him. He was accountable to a few and never once got defensive when I needed to share how I felt. As we endured the pain and the consequences of his actions, I committed to God that I would not throw Chris’ sin back in his face. Frankly, I didn’t need to…the man lived in brokenness. And still, to this day, he has NEVER been defensive when I have asked questions or when I tell him I’m hurting. He will tell you that he is willing to spend the rest of his life working to rebuild my trust if that’s what it takes. Isn’t that amazing?

I mentioned that Chris only worked at the home improvement store for 18 months. His length of time there was only cut short by the new role that Craig offered him at LifeChurch.tv. And within a year of his new position there, he’d be leading the same campus where he fell some two and half years earlier. Talk about kicking Satan in the… I’m sorry, did I say that out loud?

We are not at the end. The restoration is progressing, but not over. We still have our days where it hurts. Days where we re-live it when others go through a similar situation. Days where we have to explain to our 8-year old why he has a brother who is not his mother’s child. And the fact that we have an amazing relationship with Chris’ son and his mom is nothing short of a modern-day miracle in itself.

Come back tomorrow. More good news is on the way.

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