cindy continues,

My Word From God

I needed to hear from God. The state of confusion that I lived in at this point in my life was extremely overwhelming. Many wise people in my life were telling me that I didn’t have to make a decision right away, but I couldn’t live with that. Something was calling me to get some clarity.

Noah and I journeyed six hours down I-35 to my childhood home in Georgetown, Texas. I needed someone to take care of us. That someone was my mom. Not only did she play with Noah, which allowed me time to myself, but she cooked for us and cleaned up after us and rented movies for us and took us to eat Mexican food. She’s a terrific mom.

But, she also pestered me a little. She was insistent that I go meet with her pastor, Dan Wooldridge. Because I literally had no strength, I didn’t even put up a fight.

I was surprised how comfortable I was in Dan’s presence. A true shepherd, he listened to my story and watched as tears streamed down my face. I practically begged him to tell me what he thought I should do. He did something better. Here’s what he said:

“I would respect you if you felt that you needed to remove yourself from your marriage. What you’ve endured is very hard. But, you are not a fool to stay and be a part of the redemptive work in a man’s life.”

I was and still am absolutely certain that these were the words coming my Heavenly Daddy disguised in a middle-aged Baptist minister’s voice. I knew it immediately. Nearly six years later and I still remember this quote from him…word for word.

And I’m so glad my mother was a pest :)

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cindy continues bravely sharing her story…

What Now?

Within thirty minutes, a couple of our pastors came over to our house. Their attempts to even speak were futile. I was crying, Chris was scared for his life and they sat across from us hoping they’d wake up soon. After learning the news, they left and I was alone with my husband. I hated him and I loved him and I didn’t want him near me and I wanted him to hold me. I wanted details and he reluctantly shared them. I wanted dates but he could not supply them. I wanted to know why he did this to me…to us. For that, he had an answer.

Pornography.

Seriously? I thought he struggled with looking at a few naked girls from time to time on the internet. I thought he wasn’t struggling with this very much anymore. I thought we were communicating fairly well on this subject. I thought that’s why he met with his accountability group on Fridays. I thought.

I was married to a full-blown porn addict. He explained that simply viewing images of naked women no longer appealed to him. He needed something more. His sickness grew and grew and gave birth to more repulsive desires. Eventually, after years of progression, this sin completely entangled him and he acted out.

As you can imagine, my husband’s resignation was forthcoming. Had he been employed in the corporate world, that wouldn’t have been necessary. But a pastor at a church? (You do the math.) His resignation brought even more death to my broken heart. Not only was our marriage deeply wounded and more than likely beyond repair, my ministry was lost, too. I would no longer be singing on the stage that had become my home in ministry for the past several years. No longer would I be pouring into mentoring relationships with women. Now, I was the one who needed to be ministered to. This role was not something I was accustomed to at all.

Next to our marriage being absolutely torn to shreds, the most devastating part was trying to go about some semblance of a life for the heart of our 3-year old. I tried to hide my tears from him but that was a feat far too difficult to perfect. One day he walked in on me when I was crying and said, “Why you so sad fo mommy?”

What in the world was I supposed to do.

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and, if you’d like a little flowerdust in your day, i have a guest blog posted up at swerve. :)

before cindy and i had even exchanged one word, her story had impacted me. i’ve been good friends, close friends, practically best friends, with a handful of people in ministry who had fallen to sexual sin. it has always broken my heart how, for the most part, the churches and ministries these people had invested into kick people to the curb with a trite “jesus loves you and so do we,” leaving the broken families alone to put together the pieces of their lives.

it just isn’t right.

when i was interviewing at life, they asked if i had questions, and one of the biggest ones was, “have you ever had a ‘moral failure’ on your staff and if so, where are those people today?”

i was told the story of a pastor who confessed to several affairs, and how he was removed from his position on staff, but over the last several years, because of his repentant heart and humble spirit, has been restored and now serves as a leader on their staff.

the church family surrounded him, walked through his consequences with him, and was there to help his family heal.

the way it should be.

cindy is someone i am really looking forward to getting to know better (over diet dr. peppers at sonic). :) she is opening up her life to the public and sharing her story this week on her blog. since we are in the midst of our last week at work, and moving in a few days, i am going to be posting her story here, but closing the comments so you can interact with her on her blog.

here goes:

our story - chapter 1

The day was Tuesday. February 19, 2002, to be exact. Although my husband, Chris, had completed six weeks as the new worship pastor at our church in Edmond, Oklahoma, we’d only spent three nights in our new home. Unexpectedly, he walked through the front door at 9 somethin’ in the morning. Attempting to inch my way through a plethora of boxes, I looked up and saw the face of the man I’d loved for nearly 10 years. And the man who was soon to break my heart. Chris walked toward me and asked if we could “talk.” The look on his face said enough. Something was wrong.

After getting Noah settled watching a Blue’s Clues video, Chris motioned for me to sit on the newly purchased sofa that had arrived just 24 hours before as we were beginning our new life in a new town. My heart began to palpitate as the next several minutes consisted of him confessing to numerous affairs with numerous women from numerous places. I heard the cracking of my heart as he spoke and felt the devastation setting in almost immediately. As if that information was not enough to handle, he also informed me that one of the women was pregnant and he was pretty sure the baby was his child.

You have got to be kidding me. He was not.

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october 7 is national porn sunday. many churches (but not nearly enough!) are celebrating this weekend a little differently - by addressing the topic of pornography. i am preparing to speak at crosspoint community church in decatur, alabama on porn sunday. i was working on part of the message this morning…i have a great story about boobs i get to share. oh yes, indeedy.

anyway, i receive emails from time to time with people who are going through struggles with porn or sex. if you have a question about pornography addiction, questions about my own struggle [read it here] or anything along those lines, please email them to me by using the contact anne link under my goofy mugshot.

Q: Did you ever “relapse?”

A: Honestly, no - not in any consistent sense. There were durations where I was incredibly tempted for long periods of time but because of safe-holds we had in place (like no internet access at home, etc.) it was harder for me to fall. My journey hasn’t been perfect. I’ve goofed up a couple times in the last six or seven years. But just a couple. And with each “oops” came a very fast confession to my husband. It may seem impossible but I promise - you can be porn free for YEARS at a time. You just have to take it one day at a time.

Q: I am really struggling…even little parts in movies or TV will get my mind going….is that normal?

A: Absolutely. I have to really watch what I view. We have a no-nudity in movies rule that is VERY RARELY broken. That may not be the right answer for everyone but it is for us right now. There is so much crap on TV. You know what gets your mind going…We all do.

Q: Do i just need to fall off of the face of the earth? And the cell phones now a days does not help any either….you would be amazed at what you can find on YouTube….There is no way for me to take that off.

A: You’re right about finding stuff on YouTube…but you don’t have to visit YouTube now, do you? Especially when you’re really trying to cut it all out - sometimes you have to be drastic. I threw away my computer. THREW IT AWAY! When I felt I could have a computer again, we didn’t have internet. Not for the first couple years of our marriage.

I know many people need cell phones. Call your provider and turn off your internet plan! And heck, it will save you money. The $40 you are spending on internet at home or for your data plans can sponsor you a child through Compassion and give them the extra $8 for AIDS work. Trading porn for needy kids might be some good motivation…

i haven’t written about sex on here in a long time. with some recent comments on my post, an emotional affair, and some emails resulting from that topic i thought now might be a good time.

the title of this post is true. 100%. i could cheat on my husband. i remember a couple of years ago, hanging out at my old church talking with one of my friends. i don’t know how we got on the subject but we started talking about infidelity and how nobody is immune from it.

she said, “i could cheat on my husband. no doubt. i totally could.”

her inital candidness surprised me at first, but within moments i realized how right she was. two of our staff members had fallen into the trap of an affair, several of our key volunteers had as well, all within a year. i remember everyone’s reaction who learned of the affairs:

“never in a million years would i have thought…”

exactly. and let me tell you, i keep in touch with some of these people who were involved in the affairs, and they say the exact same thing:

“never in a million years would i have thought…”

i love my husband. i adore him. he is the most generous and patient person in the world. and never in a million years would i think i could cheat on him.

but it’s that mindset of letting your guard down where satan would love to throw you in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and then before you know it…

you are the one who is looking in the mirror wondering how in the world you could have done it.

you are the one who is crumpled on the floor like a big ball of goo, weaping your entire being out in a deluge of tears and pain.

it could happen to me.

it could happen to you.

what are you doing to make sure it doesn’t?

today, chris and i celebrate our fourth anniversary. june 27, 2003 we were married at 6:30 pm and spent the following days in a huge cabin in green mountain falls, colorado playing xbox, watching harry potter, and white water rafting. and duh, other stuff too…

i still get picked on by some of our friends on my OCD wedding planning - color coded schedules for everyone involved, timed out to the half minute. no joking. but i knew things wouldn’t go perfectly, and they didn’t…

-i felt a little athletic during the rehearsal and jumped down all the stairs at the front of the church and sprained my ankle. walking in 4″ heels the next day was not fun.

-i refused to start the wedding until my friends from oklahoma arrived. so we started probably closer to 7 pm.

-we accidentally blew out our unity candle. so while we were supposed to be praying, we were doing our best not to bust out laughing. our pastor kindly relit it.

-the wrong song was played as our recessional song. ironically, the wrong song was also played the night before. however, the rehearsal song talked about drinking and getting lit up. the one played at the wedding was at least a love song (both were frank sinatra.) the correct song, was “here goes” by frank.

-on the way to colorado, we almost got sucked up in a tornado and had to take shelter in the back of a random gas station somewhere in west kansas.

love is not perfect. marriage is not perfect. these four years have been anything but perfect. but i wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world.